You Know You Have ADHD When..

I am so scared to try it. I am terrrriiifed of the weight gain!

I have been on Vyvanse for like 7 years and recently it hasn’t been working that well and I have been getting side effects. I liked the Vyvanse mostly bec it keeps me awake and helps me get started for the day. We tried to increase the dose and my anxiety got so bad

My neurologist prescribed me Lexapro instead. He wants to see if he helps me and maybe it can improve the adhd symptoms. Esp since I am anxious and always tired.

I am going insane thinking if all the things she did wrong and trying to think if the reasons why she did them. I obsess over the things I said and I wished I asked more questions before I ended things so I wouldn’t have to over think about her intentions. I started to wonder if this is a sign of undiagnosed OCD or something. Or is this my anxiety?! But this is a classic ADHD trait right? What do I do! It has been a month and I am losing my damn mind. I even started talking to someone new who meets my needs and we have wayy more in common than the other girl, but I still cant stop thinking about if she was trying to play games with me, if she had underlying trauma that made her be distant, if she felt bad for me so she just strung me along. So many posibilities run through my head. I was the one who ended it, I am free now, but yet I am not.

I was talking to my therapist about how a psychiatrist who just did my recent eval suggested I take a non-stimulant adhd medication to decrease my anxiety. I told my therapist there is absolutely no way because I was able to lose weight bec of my stimulant and finally stop obsessing, stressing over calories and hating my body. If I stop it and take something else that has weight gain as a side effect I will gain double the weight. And she was like think of the benefits of taking the non stimulant and just rank the weight gain next to the benefits and make your decision and I said theres no way. And she was like maybe for some people they see the benefits and that weighs the weight gain and now they have the ability and energy to workout during the day and plan meals. But its up to you to think what medication is best.

And idk that didnt feel right to me. Like shes saying if I worked out I can combat the weight gain from a medication plus the weight gain of stopping a stimulant. And ugh I just hate that ai couldnt speak up more in the moment. Like she just didnt accepts how big of a concern my weight is for me. She knows that it used to cause me so much mental hell until vyvanse literally made my hatred for myself abruptly stop.

I feel so disconnected from everyone.

My friends have been distant

The girl I was “dating” has always been distant but I accepted it bec the thrill of reading into her actions figuring out of shes playing games was exciting. I wasn’t happy lol.. but it kept my brain preoccupied for the last 8 months!!! I took everything I didnt like bec I knew this wouldnt last forever bec of the way she acts. But I reallly loved the good parts and it made me feel something during this pandemic.

I didn’t see her alot, but looking forward to the next date and next time I got to cuddle with her all night was fun. The actual date was great. Kt was nice being held , kissed and touched. Then being able to tell my friends about the date and being happy about it.

For the past 8 months I had stories to tell. My life was so boring before, I finally had something new and interesting to consider and discuss. New things to wonder about.

Last weekend too many things happened with the girl. I felt like I did not matter and I couldn’t accept that she barely cared about me anymore. I snapped and no longer thought about how it was great to get out of the house because of her. I ended it. Felt guilty when she told me she didn’t mean it. Idk what emotions even came into play. Maybe RSD. Even tho the stuff was actually problematic. I asked like 10 million ppl to make sure it wasnt just me.

Now I regret ending things. I wish I held on just so I wouldn’t be lonely. We barely spent time together, but in the past 8 months my mind was always on her. It feels weird to not have that to stress about. I keep crying each time I think about it. I have never dated before. She was the first person to give me a slight bit of attn. So I guess It would be alot.

I feel so pathetic that I wanted to hold on to someone who often forgot about me just so I can have something to do sometimes.

All of my years with this blog I have seen ppl talk about it, and I have never had to ask about it because I havent liked anyone!

Lol idk if I am hyperfixating or just having normal demands during the start of a relationship? Like I know people are busy, but when she doesnt text me back every day it makes me sad.

Like 1 time she  didnt text me back for 3 weeks. We talked about it Later and she apologized did not even realize it was three weeks during the time. she was having a bad time at work.

But I thought I was ghosted there or she didnt like me. Now it still feels like she doesn’t like me

Like my therapist asked does social media make you feel bad about yourself and what have you done to fix it. And i said no.

But I should have said yes I used to follow pages that made me feel bad about my body now I follow body positive pages. But it was in the past so I never thought about it! I no longer have the body dysmophia probs. But now I am thinking about it. I forgot about it so I didnt even mention that social media was the bane of my mental health lmao.

Ugh idk what to do. Which is insane bec I am going to offically be a speech-language pathologist in 6 months lmao

But now the work I am assigned is actually mentally taxing it requires a lot of focus. It literally hurts to do it. It took me 7 hours for one assignment. That was time actually spent bec the computer records the time. It was way longer if you count the time I procrastinated. And one section was wrong so I have to redo it! It’s just so much critical thinking it literally hurts. It’s one big case study so everything you do will lead to a diagnosis. So if you mess up anywhere the diagnosis is wrong.

There was some math too! Very little just adding a lot of numbers. I struggled using the calculator! I would rather be assigned a 20 page paper than do things that require problem solving. Idk what to do. I guess to break it up over time but it’s still a lot 😭