Making Love With His Ego

So apparently I just picked up an $8,000 organ off of the curb

The few seconds before I realized you meant the instrument were terrifying

There’s a very specific emotion the tone of that last line conveys, and I can’t place what it is, but I feel it in my bones.

adulthood is just a constant struggle of, “man, i want cookies for breakfast, but I also recognize this is a bad nutritional decision.  On the other hand, the only one who can stop me is me.  i know that fucker’s weaknesses.  i could totally take me in a fight.”

Stampy floofs

who wants to fling my awful body into the sun

unbelievable. i have to do everything myself

People keep posting ‘what’s REALLY in your food’ articles like I’m gonna stop eating whatever it’s about lmao Listen, death is coming. Death is coming. Pass me a hot dog.

Lmaoooo. Me af.

you guys really just don’t check your fucking phones huh? you don’t give a fuck and a half about your notifications? you just carry it around with you everywhere but don’t actually go on it? maybe someone texted you. maybe you received an email. maybe you need to take your daily duolingo lesson. but no, you really just can’t be bothered. fuck you

The Duolingo owl wrote this post

If George Washington was a kid today he’d have to tell his dad the truth about like, downloading Minecraft inflation art to his office PC instead of cutting down a cherry tree

if george washington was a kid today i’d pummel that fuddy duddy bitch to kingdom come