You Don't Matter

:::TRIGGER WARNING::: abuse, rape, drugs, pretty much everything terrible

Before I start, I want to say that this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I understand that I am setting myself up to be attacked in more ways than has already been done to me. People may accuse me of lying and may try any tactic to protect him because they don’t know who he truly is. I will have to take the heat for being the first person to openly come out about this, though I am NOT the only one who has experienced the abuse from him. There are soooo sooo many of us. I know of some, I’m friends with some, and I’m without a doubt sure there are some I don’t even know about. It’s not my place to tell their stories. I can really only tell mine.

Throughout the five years of knowing him, I have been mentally and physically abused… by Toby Turner.

I first met Toby when I was working at E3 in June 2011. I had flown there from Georgia and he was doing a hosting gig. He added me on facebook and as I was returning home, eventually my number. We texted almost daily and Facetimed with each other. He kept telling me that I should move there and that he needed a female host for his new gaming show, so a month after E3 I had bought a new car and packed my stuff for LA. I didn’t know at the time but that would be the one of many broken promises.

-I was writing way too many details when I realized that I have WAY too many things to tell that happened in five years. So I’ll cut out the small stuff. I was being cheated on since day one. He would fluctuate between telling me we weren’t together, to saying we were. Once I started finding the evidence of other women, he would fluctuate between admitting he was cheating, then to saying he told me he didn’t want anything serious. Every time I would try to leave, he would tempt me with saying he was ready to come out about dating me now. He would say he was just worried about what the fans would say to me and all the hate I would get. But he never cared about that. When he started dating Olga, we were still dating. He told me that they weren’t real and it was just a show for subscribers and views. At the beginning I actually believed that. Then my gut feeling was going off like crazy and I realized I was just being weak. I stopped seeing him and started seeing someone else. Of course I kept getting texts that he missed me and that I was the one he wanted. Once I stopped seeing the other guy, we went right back to dating. On and off just as I now know was coinciding with Olga and his breakups. Or maybe the breakups were lies. Who really knows. I know this makes me look really dumb, but you have to understand how he makes women feel. It felt like a drug. I would try to date other people and I was so stuck and in love with him that no one ever compared. But I notice now how I was also being manipulated and forced. He thought it was a game to keep going when I would say No. He would grab me and try to tear my pants off and I would say No and pull them back up. So forcefully that they would tear. I still have my pants folded in the drawer that have ripped belt loops and holes in the crotch from him trying to tear his way in. I even headbutted him once bc I was starting to see another guy and did not want to be physical with him. But I was so scared of losing him that I would just let him win and have his way with me. He would call me his girlfriend, then if he found out I told someone I was dating him he would accuse me of trying to ruin his career and insult me.

2013 was when the drugs really started. I’m not going to get into too much detail with that, but this was when the abuse started getting very violent. By this time I was conditioned to always make sure he was happy and I had so many panic attacks and anxiety when I was with him because I never wanted to upset him. We were writing most of his parodies and songs together and then fighting when the “high” would start to fade. Everything was a bipolar mess. There was an incident where we met up for dinner (his classic line “wanna eat?”) and he was on drugs of course. I told him not to park in the 30min parking spot. He was immune to all rules in his mind (“im a god”) so he left it. Our conversation at dinner turned toxic. He said some girl was aborting his baby, I said years ago I had a miscarriage but would have had it. This caused him to get angry that I would have kept the kid. He called me stupid, a faggot, among other things. (FYI to this day he STILL calls me a faggot. He uses that term all the time and calls me names even when he is being “nice”) So I am upset and trying to stand up for myself but only making it worse. I’m sure I cried at some point. I was always crying. We leave the restaurant and low and behold, his Range Rover got towed. He is yelling and mad. We get a uber(taxi?) and go back to his place. By this time I am absolutely terrified and just trying to not make him more upset. He started punching things in the kitchen. He kicks his stove and I get out of the way as he punches the pantry door. It has a big giant crack in it. (He later covered it with a chinese new year calendar and made jokes on vlogs saying “how did this get here?”) I’m crying and he’s blaming me for stuff, and then I go and sit down on the beanbag chair he has in the living room. He starts screaming at me to get the fuck out of his house. I’m balling and crying and asking him why he is doing this to me and he is screaming at the top of his lungs that he hates me and to get the fuck out of his house and that he’ll call the cops. He grabs his phone and saying he’s calling the cops and I’m just crying and crying. He screams and asks me “did you hear what I said you stupid fucking dumb blonde?!” (he would always tell me he hated blonde hair) and so I stand up to leave. I’m hysterical and get in my car and I speed off to drive away and he jumps out in front of my car. Immediately saying imsorryimsorryimsorrycmere cmere… I’m crying and I stop the car and he pulls me into the house. I’m nothing but a hyperventilating crying mess and I’m having a panic attack and shaking, when he starts taking off my pants and saying shhhhhh. He sets me down on the end of the bed and starts having sex with me. The entire time I’m crying and mumbling for him to stop but he keeps saying shhh. After he’s finished, he pulls my pants back on and I turn to my side and keep crying. I honestly don’t remember if he cuddled me after. Maybe he did. Once again I was psychologically damaged and stuck around. I even dyed my hair brunette to please him. We spent valentines together. At this point I knew I had to find a way to get over him. I just didn’t know how. He was turned on every time I cried and he was always mean and insulting to me, so this was the pattern. Friends tried to intervene and I actually lost a few because I kept going back to him and they thought I was weak and an idiot. I was. I finally mustered the strength and told him we should be just friends.

Feb 26th, 2013. I came over to help him with something, I’m not sure what. My friend Alissa was having a party I wanted to go to and he kept telling me not to leave. I told him I had to go. He was being flirty and cute. I was conditioned to enjoy the tension and “game.” But I told him I was going. He asked if I would take a shot with him. Just one before I left. Yes, I know I should not have even said yes and taken a shot before driving. I am aware. But you have to understand, at this time drugs were running rampant in this house and I was so exposed to drug and alcohol abuse that I was just used to it. I said ok and took a shot with him. Instantly I knew something was wrong. At first I thought it was shitty vodka. I even asked what vodka it was since it was the worst taste I ever had. Then I saw his face… and I realized I knew what that bitter taste was. I asked him if he had slipped something in my drink. ::insert cute grin with gryphon voice denying it:: I asked a bunch of times and he denied. But I already knew the answer. I also knew that the people who die from mdma/molly have always been mixing it with alcohol. That both of those together are a DEADLY mix. That Toby is a drug addict and that the amount of drugs he put in my drink are far more than I will EVER be capable of handling. I start crying and telling him he’s going to kill me. Why would he try to hurt me. That he is selfish and that I am going to die because of him. This somehow gives him a moment of clarity or maybe it was just the drugs taking effect, but he admits to putting it in my drink. He tells me it was only just a little bit and it must have still been on the glass from when he used it. Then he admits fully to doing it. He starts crying as well and admitting he is a sex addict and drug addict and needs to get help. I am SO FUCKED UP at this point that I honestly don’t remember what happened. Did we have sex? Did we only talk? I’m not sure. All I know is at some point he is passed out cuddling me on his beanbag chair and I’m just staring straight ahead wide awake with anxiety. I literally feel like I am being held hostage and kidnapped. I don’t know this man. I want to escape but I am so fucked up that I cant leave. Once I feel like I can maneuver a car (the next afternoon), I drive home. I really shouldn’t have drove but I needed to escape him. I come home and my roommates are in the kitchen. They would be so mad if they knew I was still talking to Toby after the blatant rape, so I tell them that someone at a bar drugged me. They tell me to go to the hospital and I say I just want to lay down. I go in my bed and just start sobbing. I was fucked up on this drug for 3 days. I regret never going to the hospital. I regret never going to the cops for what he did. I honestly thought about his career ruined and I didn’t want to hurt him bc I loved him. How messed up is that? He had just tried to kill me. I knew I was too weak to go to the hospital, but I made sure to text him what he did so I would have evidence. So I would at least have a text proof that he drugged me. So he couldn’t turn around and deny like he always did. Like he denies ever dating me now. What’s messed up is the text he gave me before I texted the proof. “'twas fun”. Yeah. FUN. I wish I could say I stopped talking to him after that. But we all know that’s not true. He said he would change his ways and I took him back again. March 2, 2013, I go in his bathroom and see a black thong and condom in his trashcan. He’s in the other room gaming, so I walk in there and grab him by the arm and he’s shocked, but I take him to the bathroom where I have put the items on the floor and I push his face down towards it. His response??? “what?”    'WHAT?!?’    “yeah what?…so?” and I’m livid. I say ‘Who the fuck is she?’ He tells me “It doesn’t matter. You’ll never meet her.” I really wanted to destroy and break everything in his house on the way out, but I just grab my stuff and go. Done. Except not, bc I’m an idiot and I stay friends. The last time I ever have sex with him is Memorial Day of 2013. This isn’t by choice of course. This is a violent hate fuck after he thinks I am flirting with Max Landis at his (Toby’s) bbq party. Then of course I find out he was hooking up with another girl from the same party who is also a friend. The list goes on and on. Mid to late 2013-  He finally has a relationship with someone else. (By this time, they are known as “mains” in my circle of friends that know the drill). So luckily I can say I never slept with him after that. But things still were messed up because he would always try to use me to masturbate. Either do it in front of me or try to grab my hand to do it for him. It’s disgusting and i’m embarrassed but it’s the truth so whatever. I became “just a friend” and I really thought things were looking up. We started doing songs together, even though I was helping him write them throughout this whole time. But NOW I was included and he was actually letting people know we were friends! Yay. Gag. I wont get into the lack of payment for anything I did, cause that’s a separate issue. But I knew I was being used. I was just so happy to be included! Yay. Gag. He always strung me along and would wave that carrot of songs or gaming to get me to come back. 2014- He tells me we will perform Depressing Song at Playlist. I’m super happy bc we wrote it together  and it was our “look how magic we are together” song. Once it gets close to Playlist time… he starts getting wishywashy like he always does. I ask him if we really are going to play the song because he never gives me a straight answer and he starts telling me he only has passes for Seth and Gabe and he doesn’t know. Then tells me he will only be doing standup. This is after I already have my flight and hotel. So now he all of a sudden doesn’t have a pass for me that he said he would have. So I decide to go anyways. My amazing friend gets me into playlist and I have a really good time even though I know the drill of if Toby sees me there, he will ignore me and I have to lie to fans and play along that he’s just sooooo awesome. He asks what I’m doing and I text him that I’m hanging with these other youtubers and he gets mad (and jealous) because I shorten their channel name and accuses me of acting too cool. I say they’re my friends and that’s just what I call them. He then texts a mutual friend and says something along the lines of, “April is on her high horse and I’m about to put her down.” The day of his performance, I tell another mutual friend that I just KNOW he’s going to play our song. She assures me he wouldn’t do that. I have Toby energy and we are super connected. I FEEL IT. I know he is. And he does… I’m going to admit to the internets, that I almost committed suicide. I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Worse than the cheating, the lying, the physical and mental abuse. I’m not sure why, but to deny me the very thing I created… to perform my song when it was my DREAM to be up there… That was worse than death. I was on a high balcony of my hotel, and the opportunity presented itself. Luckily I didn’t go through with it. I vowed not to talk to him. He didn’t get to use me in this new life. I spent all of 2014 getting constant texts from him. Some spamming, blaming, and attacking me, some saying he wanted to say sorry. Towards August I think, I started to respond. I have only seen him a few times since then. I saw him a few months ago in January at a friend’s birthday and though he was nice to me in person, he started flirting with my best friend and then was trying to text her to entice her to hang out with him. When I texted him to stop (bc hello we’re bffs and she’s gonna show me), the attacking verbal abuse was back again. He never changes. He’s still abusing and damaging women. There are women with stories similar to mine. He’s still playing his games of multiple girls at a time. Still asking hot chicks to game with him as a pick up line. I keep hoping maybe he has changed and I tried not to give the gory details to the women he tricks and fucks over. But I see he hasn’t. Two “mains” found out about each other just the other day.

...on Tumblr.

Yet no police report from this supposed numerous amounts of women that were raped, and no evidence but a supposed “phone conversation” (Oh btw I can edit a phone contact to be named obama and then send a few texts back and forth, OH EM GEE GUYS LOOK I TALKED TO OBAMA)

But gets all triggered when Toys-R-Us are selling toys of this man that isn’t even formally charged of rape, abuse, or drug abuse.

But if you say online that you’re otherkin, and specify that your belief system is past lives, then suddenly people are quick to hurl insults at you (most of which are rather ableist in nature, but that’s aside the point). I’m always open to politely discuss and explain my beliefs, answer any questions, and I do when people want to understand. But a huge majority of these people aren’t looking to understand or discuss politely, even if they say they do. Disagreeing with someone is not grounds to act like an asshole. If someone is polite to you, be polite back. That’s common decency. But I digress.

Some of the difference is based on the fact that this is the internet, where people can hide behind accounts, but I feel that a lot of the issue is that for whatever reason, otherkin as a label (which I really only use now to have a community) has become so widely misunderstood due to misinformation. People make fun of us without stopping to understand our beliefs, make fake otherkin blogs that people see and use as “proof” that we’re ridiculous.

Otherkin is not the belief system. It is a term that describes a variety of beliefs, and gives community to the people that hold those beliefs. It is not a “condition”, it cannot be proven or disproven. It is no more or less valid a belief than atheism, or Christianity, Islam, or Judaism, or any other religious or spiritual belief.

I do retail, and if some nut came in talking about how they need dog food since they were a dog in their previous life, I’d think they were straight retarded, but I wouldn’t say anything; I’d just help them find whatever they were looking for and pray they left as soon as possible and never returned. 

I bet your teacher does exactly what I do. Wait till the nutjob is out of the vicinity then laugh about it with all the coworkers.

MFW you actually think someone working their job and having to hold their silence about this autistic shit means they don’t think you’re insane or laugh about it behind your back

You know what’s actually sad? Having an opinion you claim to believe in but being unable to defend it against someone who wants to challenge your perspective using nothing but intellect.

I already said what I think. I think you’re a fatass that knows in your heart that you’re not beautiful and don’t have the intellectual means to defend your grandstanding. Just say you’re incapable of actually admitting you don’t believe that bullshit you spout instead of making it seem like you’re oh so busy to, because that’s even more bullshit. Fuck your bullshit grandstanding.

Oh, and PS - laughing at you fat cunts who try to grandstand about your so-called beauty and circlejerk each other into thinking you’re beautiful on the cancerous “safe space” that is Tumblr doesn’t make me angry, it makes me do a mixture of laugh at you and pity you. You’re the fat fucking slob, not me, I have nothing to be angry about. But by all means, get back to your shallow, idiotic attempts at trying to validate your own beauty by posting selfies of yourself in your panties and bras hoping to get likes and reblogs by people who don’t even see you as a person but rather as a fetish and other fatasses that also want to circlejerk this fake as fuck definition of beauty to make yourself feel better.

I don’t know what you thought you’d gain by reblogging my photo and spluttering your fat phobic bullshit on it. Nice try honey, it didn’t work :)

Wikipedia: “Beauty is the quality of being pleasing, especially to look at, or someone or something that gives great pleasure, especially when looking at it….There is evidence that perceptions of beauty are evolutionarily determined, that things, aspects of people and landscapes considered beautiful are typically found in situations likely to give enhanced survival of the perceiving human’s genes. (i.e. not fat)“ “Standards of beauty have changed over time, based on changing cultural values. Historically, paintings show a wide range of different standards for beauty. However, humans who are relatively young, with smooth skin, well-proportioned bodies, and regular features, have traditionally been considered the most beautiful throughout history.“

(PS all of that is cited as well in the page, before you bitch about it being Wikipedia, lol)

Hmmmm. Well, I guess you aren’t. Though I would LOVE for one of you fat people to actually try to have a debate with me over you being beautiful. Using nothing but logical arguments and sources.

As for why? For the shits and giggles. Oh, and I had lots of them, so mission achieved I suppose, so it did work.

As I mentioned, I would LOVE for one of you to ACTUALLY engage me on this topic using logic and sources. Not even joking, I would seriously LOVE to be able to have an intellectual discourse on this topic with someone who actually goes around correlating beauty to fat. Since you believe so strongly in this and yourself, why not actually put your money where your mouth is and actually engage me on an intellectual front about this? My end goal isn’t even to prove you wrong, but it’s to try to understand where you all even draw this belief from because where I am right now just makes me think it’s purely delusional. So either I’d prove you wrong, or I’d gain a new perspective, I’d win with either one.

Of course, there’s the third and fourth route too, third being where you’re not intellectual enough to actually be able to have a logical discourse on the topic, or the fourth route where you just plain won’t because you know in your heart of hearts that fat isn’t beauty despite all your grandstanding. That’s what seems to have happened to every other single person I’ve contested so far. So what’s it going to be?

I don’t know what you thought you’d gain by reblogging my photo and spluttering your fat phobic bullshit on it. Nice try honey, it didn’t work :)

Wikipedia: “Beauty is the quality of being pleasing, especially to look at, or someone or something that gives great pleasure, especially when looking at it....There is evidence that perceptions of beauty are evolutionarily determined, that things, aspects of people and landscapes considered beautiful are typically found in situations likely to give enhanced survival of the perceiving human's genes. (i.e. not fat)“ “Standards of beauty have changed over time, based on changing cultural values. Historically, paintings show a wide range of different standards for beauty. However, humans who are relatively young, with smooth skin, well-proportioned bodies, and regular features, have traditionally been considered the most beautiful throughout history.“

(PS all of that is cited as well in the page, before you bitch about it being Wikipedia, lol)

Hmmmm. Well, I guess you aren’t. Though I would LOVE for one of you fat people to actually try to have a debate with me over you being beautiful. Using nothing but logical arguments and sources.

As for why? For the shits and giggles. Oh, and I had lots of them, so mission achieved I suppose, so it did work.

I’ll answer this for you. Movies/TV/Magazines are meant to appeal to as many people as possible. They need to sell. Fat women are not traditionally attractive to most people, just like neither are most obviously underweight people. That being said of course they are going to put traditionally attractive people into things that need to sell.

Its the same with men. There is a reason why Thor isn’t a fat or underweight guy. Muscular men appeal to most women so that’s why they use. The “issue” isn’t gender specific.

Since a lot of people seems to have a problem with this, I decided to make a flowchart to make this easier for you. Believe it or not, it is actually this simple.

Seriously, why does this happen every single time.

Random person on the internet: I headcanon (insert fictional character here)  as transgender. 

Transphobe: Stop saying it’s canon!

Random person on the internet: I never said it was canon. I said it was my headcanon. 

Transphobe: Stop saying it’s canon!

Random Person on the internet: *facepalm*

Also, here’s a thought: Did the creator of a character say said character is cis? Yes? The character in question is cis. No? The character in question is not cis. It’s that simple.

If I saw someone do that, I would condemn that too. 

Statistic measured in America, as of 2012:

“approximately 3.4 percent of American adults identify themselves as being LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender)“

Do people not understand how fucking ‘defaults’ work anymore?

Default: “something that is usual or standard.“

What do you have to show for your side of the argument? Absolutely nothing. What do I have? The entire fucking language we’re using to communicate right now, alongside some statistics. I shouldn’t even need that study though, its a pretty WELL KNOWN fact that the majority of the world is straight and cis.

i dont want equality i want justice, i want the same oppression of millenia to be put on cishet ppl, i want heterosexuals be denied from marrying, i want straight couples be denied of adopting, i want heterosexuality to be classified as an illness & i want public displays of heterosexuality punished by prison, i want cis people to be denied basic healthcare & forced sterilization, i want presenting as cis lead to imprisonment, i want cishet people to go thru everything they put us through