You Belong

This path was mine to uncover. No one could do it for me. One step at a time. I believe, and I act in accordance. I tell myself and others I am a writer, I started this blog, I left a career path draining my creative energy, fearlessly loving, and trusting God with everything I know. This journey is one of purpose.  

I send these words into the universe with faith - faith in God, faith in myself, and faith in you. These lines don’t belong to me. I write because I believe my story of healing could be of encouragement to others. For within every soul, I see a reflection of myself. 

I felt perpetually lost, continually drained, forever striving after my “one day” salvation. You can trust I speak candidly since I tattooed those words on my body at the age of twenty-two. 

The idol of my external salvation was a love relationship. When I tell you I fervently dreamed and fantasized about this love, I could not exaggerate. I eagerly consumed romance stories and existed in most spaces wondering if “he was there”. As a young person, I spent considerable time at church, listening to sermons about “holy relationships”, thinking if I only trusted Jesus a little bit harder or prayed with more passion, then my soulmate would arrive. My thoughts and external influences established a neural pathway that my joy was dependent on being chosen by this idol. For me, this was a love relationship. That idol passed from man to man to man until I saw the pattern for what it was.

This incessant search for love could have proven fatal. There were countless nights of reckless action, countless moments of using alcohol to suppress the pain, countless moments of wishing the loneliness away in the arms of another lost soul. While indefensible, the sexual abuse and trauma I experienced were a devastating reflection of my inner world. I was never a masochist. I was simply yearning for a love I couldn’t access within myself. Furthermore, the wounds I carried would continue to sabotage my life until I became aware of their power and decided to alchemize the darkness into light.

Without my healing journey, I would have carried these wounds on my back forever, lost in my misery. I am eternally thankful for the experiences, friends, therapists, and for life itself showing me another way of being.

I proceed with unconditional forgiveness and love for myself and those who hurt me. Now I believe in something greater than my pain. And instead of searching for validation from a relationship, I decide each day to exist in love. I arrived exactly where I needed to be. 

And you, are exactly where you need to be. Only through the present moment is true peace experienced. Whatever your idol may be, we walk this path together. 

I missed this space. I missed the practice of sharing my heart through these words. Thank you for being here.

The past five months provided five years' worth of lessons and growth. Alas, I wish each of these accounts was documented. The following list includes ten of the lessons I was reminded of or newly learned of late:

1. Revisiting past versions of yourself or behaviors is a natural part of a soul’s evolution. Observe the behavior and approach with loving compassion for what your soul is trying to show you. Within the light of your consciousness, you are empowered to decide what patterns no longer support your highest self.

2. There is nothing more nourishing to my spirit than conscious connection with another soul.

For those who can communicate freely from their heart, the opportunity for connection is powerful. By mirroring what I hear or observe, expressing compassion, and offering grace - hearts are forever transformed. I am a living testament to these transformative moments. I would not be alive without the loving witness of countless individuals. 

3. Asking for help is not weakness. Identifying your need for support and acting accordingly is a mark of humility and intelligence. Humans were created to live within a community, supporting one another.

4. Sometimes there is no logical reason why a relationship or circumstance doesn’t align with your present. Learning how to trust your intuition is an essential lesson on the path of spiritual living. 

5. Each day is new. In truth, each moment is ripe with possibility if we can surrender to the present.

On Sunday, I experienced a panic attack for the first time in years. On Monday, the universe provided a miracle in the form of a job. Circumstances can change quickly. If you continue believing in your inherent worthiness, believing you will attract abundance, and trusting that life is teaching you or preparing you for something greater, you will live within the flow of life. Divinely inspired action coupled with the embodiment of surrender will result in miracles. 

6. A person’s unconscious wounding or programming will impact their subconscious mind, consequently manifesting as their conscious reality. 

Recently I became conscious of lingering wounds relating to my worthiness. Affirmations, meditation, plant medicine, and somatic practices help me continually.

7. Your mind’s anxious thoughts are lying to you. You either feel anxious about the past or about a future possibility - both of which are illusory mental projections. The only true reality is the present moment.

In this lifetime, I experienced childhood trauma and identified as someone with a mental illness throughout my 20s. I tried a slew of SSRI and SNRI medications to help me through daily functioning. I say the following with humility and gratitude for the tools and support that kept me alive to pen the following: You are not your anxiety. You are not a diagnosis. You are not the trauma, the abuse, the pain, or the losses. I held onto the identity of “depressed and disabled” because, without these qualifiers, I interpreted my existence as lacking.

 8. Learning to distinguish between anxious thoughts and my intuition is an experience I am actively working through. 

If you learned anything about the latter, I would appreciate hearing your wisdom. (There is a “Contact” option on the blog where you can send me a message). 

9. I no longer associate my worth with a source of income or the amount of money in my account. 

For as long as I can remember, I struggled with the balance between honoring employer commitments and my own physical, interpersonal, or professional needs. For the majority of these employable years, I saw this as a personal failing and a character flaw. I never wanted to leave my being at the front door of a job. Moving forward, I will only accept professional opportunities that align with my values and allow for my self-expression. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will always be writing. This is my calling to fulfill. 

10. I need God in this season and in each one before.

I recognize the word “God” is now hollow of meaning for many. God doesn’t belong to one religion or ideology. If the word doesn’t resonate for you, I hope you can feel into the spirit of the word. That being said, I live in constant recognition of my connection to the God essence within all life. I hear a bird’s song, I feel the sunshine on my skin, I observe how a human loves, I experience pieces of art and I am reminded - there is purpose and all of life is connected to this source of energy. 

I am at a loss for what to write.

I wait for inspiration to befall my spirit during the in-between moments of life - in between work, my relationships, physical needs, or the unanticipated adventures I choose.

While writing these words, I realized my mind was searching for what I “should” write instead of speaking from a place of stillness and truth.

So, here goes…

These days I am awake past midnight, sleeping for over ten hours, and then arising to a schedule that allows for creative freedom. I haven’t worked for the past six days, and I experience moments of worry about the financial abundance I desire. I never hold that worry for long because I know that mental narrative doesn’t serve me. I simply accept the worry with compassion and parent that emotion with messages of reassurance that I will take care of myself and be aided along the way.

At the age of 23, I started a full-time job as an employee of a small business. The agency was contracted by a state department to provide supervised visitation between parents and their children placed in foster care. I used my own vehicle to pick up the child from daycare, school, or the foster family before transporting the child for a supervised visit with a parent. (This opportunity was a powerful teacher professionally and personally. I plan to write about the dramatic end to this job in my memoir). I recall driving on the job, gas tank nearing empty, and doubting if I had enough change to pay for fuel. In that moment, and to this day, I remember the countless stories my dad shared about when his bank account was empty, bills due and a unforeseen miracle appeared. This experience was true for me again and again. 

I visited my parents yesterday, spirit burdened and thoughts of self-doubt persisting. My mom shared something I never knew about their financial struggles during the first years of marriage. Further, I won’t easily forget when my mom told me about arriving in the U.S. and seeing her new husband’s apartment for the first time - little to no furniture, experiencing poverty, living paycheck to paycheck. She was 23.

In understanding my ancestral stories, I better understand my own. I believe my struggles are purposeful, not a consequence of personal deficiency. 

My enduring dream is to eliminate my parent’s Earthly burdens. The fact that my father is now legally blind, was consequently forced to retire, and now worries about paying the bills when his disability insurance ends next year - it’s not fair. Life is not fair.

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” -William Goldman

And yes - life consists of pain. This existence also promises tremendous joy, healing, tranquility, and excitement for those who believe. For whoever reads my memoir, the stories therein may surprise even my closest friends. These 31 years contained depth, nuance, contradiction, and innumerable lessons. I experienced hell. I craved the end of my life because the pain felt intolerable. As such, it is no surprise I am a person of faith and conviction. I had no choice. I was either going to believe in another kind of existence or I was going to die.

Writing as a professional path, blogging with a goal, using social media to share my art - this is all new to me. To every person who reads these words, from my heart, thank you.

In large part, I chose Tumblr because the platform is nostalgic for my younger self who found solace at my computer screen. For many years I used this platform to write about my dreams, fears, and relationships. For your reading pleasure, here is an entry from 02/20/2014.

“You turned into a ghost right before my eyes. I loved you to the point of absolute ignorance. Whatever you said was cherished, whatever you did was sacred. I do not know what was reality and what was my dream. You provoked this illusion with your smile and voice that you were my forever, when you were only temporary.”

What I want to say is I don’t really know what I am doing. I am learning every day what it means to be a soul living a human experience and how to be a vessel for my artistry. Since I can remember, I found solace in words and stories. My soul craves beauty - both to bear witness and create this experience within myself. Our souls chose this Earthly existence to experience love, beauty, grief, and everything in between. What a magical adventure when you think of it. 

As humans, we unconsciously become engulfed by our mind’s narrative. For instance, if my recurring thoughts are, “I am broken, unworthy, lost.” Does that automatically mean any of these thoughts are objectively true? 

My evolution toward consciousness began when I realized my identity and thoughts were not the same. If you spend the next minute watching the contents of your mind, that would make you the observer, not the thought itself. Once you realize this truth, it is your prerogative whether you use your mind in service to your divine self or you allow the mind to use you. 

Without this spiritual awakening I would not be writing these words. I doubt whether or not I would be alive. My mind was consumed by thoughts of victimhood, grief, and anger. Following years of psychotherapy and antidepressants, I couldn’t shake my underlying belief of unworthiness. It wasn’t until I became curious about where I learned these beliefs that I observed the dysfunction within my mind and the stored trauma within my physical body. I was tired of living for pleasures that would only temporarily numb my senses or quiet my mind. 

The strongest impetus for examining my methods of survival was separating from my last partner. Whenever he would pack up his items to leave my apartment, I would fall to the floor, weeping uncontrollably. My abandonment wound was activated with full force because I couldn’t cope with the thought of being alone, believing I was unlovable.

“Love simply is” -Paulo Coelho

How do you define love?

I recall posing this question of prospective romantic partners. Perhaps, I wanted to hear how someone would respond to this ineffable question. 

I previously believed there was a universal language of romantic love. Of course I acknowledged Chapman’s ubiquitous five love languages and accounted for the individual’s unique life circumstances, but as it applied to someone loving me - there was only one way. I desired a partner to express their love verbally, intentionally, passionately, and the list goes on.  For those who asked my question in turn, I would say something including the words ‘unconditional’ or ‘selfless’. And while these words still hold true, I lacked a depth of understanding when it came to the embodiment of such a love.

I admit the above with considerable grace towards myself, while now observing the selfish nature of my perspective. I held tightly to the narrative that when I met ‘my person’ (another misunderstood narrative) they would effortlessly show love in the way I anticipated. There was little flexibility for the needs and limitations of others. I unconsciously loved transactionally because I didn’t yet understand how to love myself, or why my expectations were so fanciful. 

I now realize that certain aspects of healing can only occur within relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic. My healing journey catalyzed when I realized my love for a person who could not express what I wanted to hear. The inner wounding of two previous experiences I categorized as “unrequited love” unconsciously arose, causing acute emotional pain. I told myself I wouldn’t allow a similar circumstance to unfold as I mentally projected these past experiences onto my current one. It would be months later when I realized my love for him was conditional. 

I could only love him to the degree in which I experienced love within myself. And deep within my subconscious, I believed he was unworthy of my love because he could not soothe the emotional triggers and inner child wounds that continued to plague my heart.

Now having sat with these emotions and repetitive thoughts I previously avoided, Spirit is peeling back the layers of pain, self-protection and misunderstanding built around my heart. I am irrevocably changed in both perspective and manner.

Less than two weeks after my twenty-second birthday, I committed to my second tattoo. I asked for a bird, tail entangled by a piece of barbed wine. Underneath the bird is the word freedom in Farsi.

My dear parents were the first of our family lineage to immigrate from Iran to the United States. The exceptionally brave choices they made individually and as a couple resulted in my life circumstances.

Long ago, I promised myself that any financial prosperity I experienced would be used to care for them. And while this dream is yet to be actualized, a dear friend spoke truth over my current season: I am choosing to serve them through my presence. I am forever humbled by my parent’s courage and sacrifices. I live at peace knowing that whatever transpires, we love one another. We forgive the other. And we honor the other’s soul journey. 

In Fall 2021,  my dad sent me the following email message:

“Big changes are coming for my dear, brave daughter. Higher you fly, higher you aspire, more you will see God's beautiful, loving presence. Proud of your stance for positive thinking, just words and proper conduct. Love you much!”

My beloved father never forgot his homeland and if he could, he would return. He sacrificed his own dreams for the external security my mom craved. Her tender heart was cruelly tormented and rejected by the family who was meant to love her unconditionally. Her experiences still challenge me to embody forgiveness for those who hurt her. I observe much of my mother's character within myself. 

I am perpetually aware of my privilege to reflect, to question, to heal. 

After what felt like a lifetime of battling my mind and experiencing the energy of ancestral pain, I awoke to salvation within. There is no worldly evil that can demolish the divine light within and around. Freedom is your birthright. 

What if I fiercely trusted self? Believing that however the road lay before me, whatever the obstacle - I would traverse my destiny. I would be content. I would endure.

The paradox of this journey is wanting you more than anything, and needing to let go of you entirely. 

Tonight, I require surrender minute by minute.

The story of my mind: 

‘You never cared for me’. 

Surrender.

‘You forgot me’. 

Surrender.

‘I dreamed you - the way you looked at me - it never happened’. 

Surrender.

‘You are lost to me forever’. 

Surrender.

‘I will never love another as I've loved you’. 

Surrender.

‘You don’t need me’. 

Surrender.

‘You rejected me’. 

Surrender.

The story of my heart:

'You loved me then. You love me now. You will always love me’. 

Surrender.

‘Our love will be felt across generations’.

Surrender.

‘Our souls are an amalgamation of the divine and stardust. We are forever one.’

Surrender.

‘You will always choose me’. 

Surrender.

‘You will always choose yourself’. 

Surrender.

‘You didn’t forget. You remember my touch, my voice, my eyes’. 

Surrender.

‘Our love was decided by heaven'. 

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

-George Addair

This week, I made a choice. I observed two paths at my feet. 

Down one, the story went something like this:

She was content. She knew the number on her bi-weekly paycheck. She would trade her integrity for the will of another - humans with power, governing and creating policy in response to vulnerable adults experiencing illness, aging, loneliness/isolation, and addiction. She knew the employer’s expectation of her, so there was little room for error. Her resume was shinier. 

Down the second, the story went along like:

She was content. She was forced to trust the universe, fully believing her mere existence was worthy of a paycheck, attracting abundance, maintaining nonattachment to the material. She was living in flow - existing in complete alignment with her mind, body, and Spirit. She knew nothing, and yet everything. There was both no expectation and complete faith in her abilities to overcome every challenge by the grace of God. Her resume was irrelevant.

Life is a series of choices - small and expansive. 

My skill of consciously taking pause in my body and as a witnessing presence to my mind is a relatively new one. This time, I listened to my body over my mind. 

And because of this, I know there is no failure. There is only what we create. 

So, please, watch me create a masterpiece...

My dear reader,

Allow me to introduce you to my vision for "You Belong", and include a few details about myself.

I was always this way - craving written reflection, harboring logophile tendencies, passionate to share my thoughts with others. Until a few months ago, I hesitated to call myself “a writer” for the same reason any one might when considering a divergent path. Those of us privileged enough to step beyond daily survival, are inevitably crippled by fear, doubt, or the pursuit of external validation at some point in our life. I exist alongside all three.

I believe in a divine purpose for my healing journey. It is no accident you are reading these words. For every person energetically meeting me on this page, I desire your highest good. That is your birthright. 

Iain Thomas, a writer who influenced my own aspirations, wrote, "And everyday, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, 'This is important! And this is important! And this is important! [...] And each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, 'No. This is what's important'".

No one else can fulfill your individual purpose. And there is no one else who can tell you which direction to choose. Fear, doubt, and seeking the answers outside of self are a reality. And yet, I know you are wiser that these shadows.

At the end of the day, the world needs you. I need you.

Thank you for choosing life again and again. You belong here, and don't let anyone else make you believe otherwise.

I will not pretend to know the darkness haunting you, but I will sit beside you as you face the long night.

I can not wrap my arms around you from this side of the phone, but I am with you in spirit, wishing you could feel the immeasurable love you inspire.

I do not understand every nuance of this existence, but I have faith that the answers, guidance, healing, respite, community you need will arrive when you are ready.

There is much I do not understand, and I will never comprehend the depth of your suffering. Your journey is unique to you, and there is no other soul who could carry your burdens for you.

What I do know, and believe with my whole person is that you belong here.

You are worthy of this existence and all the joy you are yet to experience. I hope you choose to stay, to fight, to experience all that is yet to come.

I pray you choose this life, over and over and over again. When your demons call and your body feels weak, I pray you choose to believe in your worthiness as many times as it takes to sit up, to breath, and to disidentify from the thoughts in your mind.

I will not pretend to know the darkness. But, I will be here to remind you that no Earthly pain or evil can survive in the light of your divine presence.