marina albarracin

For a while, it was really hard to adjust to Ma’am Kitty’s workload. I used to really stress out about all the things we had to accomplish but I later realized that it was for our improvement as students and as designers. It’s rare to see a professor who really cares about the well being of their students especially with all the workload that they themselves carry.

Anxiety and Depression runs in my family and out of all the siblings, I was the one who got it in our generation. It’s not fun, nor is it something to be glorified. There are days that I wake up extremely nervous and extremely disoriented and by the end of the day, I just cry myself to sleep. There are days also were I break down over simple sounds because it makes my heart beat fast and since I more or less live alone, I don’t have much of a support system when this happens. I started having suicidal thoughts at the age of 6 but realized that I had the irrational fear of dying and being put in very uncomfortable situations that make me feel trapped (Thanatophobia and Agoraphobia) at the age of 9. This is one of the reasons I have a hard time opening up to people about how I feel, despite being such a chatterbox. 

This week was honestly so “ngarag” or in better words DRAINING. Other than my GEs, we had to catch up on the wardrobing and the CT 11 project filming for our video. I don’t really like to rant but since only a few people will ever read this, I might as well.

I understand that group works are meant to make us better people by strengthening our skills in cooperation, compromise, and PATIENCE but some people really feel like the whole world revolves around them. I won’t name any names but this one groupmate of ours kept complaining that we needed to send her the videos for her to edit but the script was incomplete and she did not film her part yet as well. So how did she expect to edit any clips with even herself not being filmed? So we complied and set aside all of our other matters to meet up on tuesday. On tuesday she arrives 10 minutes before the next class begins so it was totally pointless for her to go since ALL OF US WERE FINISHED filming our parts. We gave her till wednesday lunch time which she said she’d go to. So I cancelled all my lunch plans and moved them to the afternoon to adjust to her. When we went to the meeting area we waited 20 minutes before I get a message saying she had to process a medical certificate TOTALLY UNRELATED TO CT 11. She had all the time to do it but decided to skip our filming time to do it. But I was trying to be understanding so I gave her until the afternoon to drop by. In effect, I had to cancel all of my plans once again FOR HER and it made a lot of the people I made plans with upset but what could I do? I needed it for my requirements. She took FOREEEVER and she was so bratty about the whole thing. After filming, she made me walk all the way to the other side of the academic oval to give her the flashdrive because she said she was going to be late for her class. Guess what? When I rush to got to her classroom, SHE WASNT EVEN THERE. I just didn’t understand what was so hard about complying to protocols. And finally, for the submission, since she was to edit the video, SHE WAS LATE. That was the last straw for me so I told her in a professional manner that she had to submit the requirement, and informed her that she wasn’t and hasn’t been following protocol for the whole project. The reply I get? She swears at me. 

--- REST WEEK DUE TO ASEAN ---

This week, I did not go to class because I needed to rest. I realized that academic success doesn’t really mean anything when you’re not even acting like a human anymore. I was getting anxiety attacks almost every day (but none that were so so extreme. I had about 3 or 4 though, in the first semester.) which was really taking a toll on me. I felt alone and I really wanted to drop out and start over. On Tuesday, I went to the makeup class hosted by Katcy which was actually really fun. I learned a lot about colors and shapes in relation to my face and skin. 

This week we did not meet due to the ACLE and also to give us time to do our sketches, field work, and to discuss our class project.

For week seven and eight, we didn't have class so I wasn't able to blog what I learned in class. However, I did have some realizations. (Brace yourselves for a very long reflection!!!)

The workload was heavy while Ms. Kitty was gone. I think it was partly my fault because I took for granted the free time I had to do other things. I’m not saying it’s bad to do other things, but I think my priorities weren't set straight. I would do all my other class work and forget about my tasks in CT. When it came to the day before the concept board draft deadline, I was going to work on my product but ended up falling asleep while doing the board. I was so pressured into finishing it that I got late to my 7am class, even if I was up by 4AM. It came to me that what I did, not only affected the quality of my work for CT, but also pulled down my other classes. 

Honestly, I was really thinking of whether or not I liked Clothing Technology still. I was meeting a lot of people who talked about their course and their direct impact on society afterwards; and I thought, maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be. I always wanted to make a difference in society and listening to people from Sociology, Economics, and all these big colleges made me forget that my course, Clothing Technology, makes an impact on the world as well. I feel embarrassed for considering shifting out of CT over this one small bump but I think it happens to a lot of us. 

When Ms. Kitty came back and gave the exam, all the more I felt like I wasn't fit for the course because no matter how hard I studied for the test, nothing was coming up in my head. I really tried to reflect on whether or not I was happy with what I was doing. I think it’s also because of how I am as an individual. I was forced to get into Engineering or Computer Science by my family; but since I picked a course they weren’t in favor of, I was told that I had to be the best in it since it had “no future” or that I couldn't “eat my profession.” Because of all the pressure from my family and expectations for myself, I really lost motivation to do anything for school. I’d do my work because I had to, and not because I wanted to. 

On our second meeting, we had to finish an extremely long reading. I actually finished the reading, but told Ms. Kitty I didn’t. Whoops? I got confused with the number of pages and the way it was stapled which made me think I didn’t and so I ended up embarrassing myself in class--I guess it’s okay because we all need moments to humble ourselves. When she was giving her sermon, a lot of things struck me. She mentioned a lot of things; “Don’t dwell on the negative stuff.” “Pull yourself together.” “Remember what you wanted at the very start, when you were applying as a CT student.” “If you think you’re straying away from the right path, force yourself back to it.” “It may be hard but you chose this for yourself. Don’t waste your chance.” From this, I realized how petty my reason for wanting to quit was. I began to understand that not everything came easy and that the start of the race is usually the hardest, since you’re still looking for the right pace to finish the race in. That sermon didn’t just apply to CT 11, or my GEs, but to my whole life as well. 

We can’t always have what we want, and that’s okay. We have to struggle in order for us to feel fulfillment, and be pulled back in order for us to shoot back--just like an arrow. The harder we’re being pulled back, the faster and stronger we’ll come back. I just hope that I don’t make the same mistake again.

For this week, we were only able to meet once but that did not stop me from being able to learn new concepts in that single meeting. Since all design elements and principles were discussed, we were able to apply what we learned through analyzing the collections of various designers. 

To be honest, I thought designers just “felt” their creations. In reality, they do much more than go by feel--which is to go by or against certain practices. It’s nice to see how each designer has a different way of translating their design philosophy with the use of lines, textures, harmony, balance, etc. 

For this week's class we discuss the principles of design. What struck me most was the definitions of both unity and harmony. I didn't know that it was possible to have no sense of harmony but have a sense of unity. I learned that for us to see unity in a collection or piece of garment, you must first understand the rationale behind it.