Diamond Girl

Yesterday, me and him had a moment. So I had a bad day and start crying in the train and I didn’t stop till I came home and he hugged me and we just lie down and talked. I have this moments when I have a situation that make me nervous or stressful  – and I start to question everything : my life, my choices, my mind, my feelings. But now I feel more bad about crying because I have this little…

I wish, my love…

‘Cause no, we’re not promised tomorrow… This morning 5 am – no sleep. Sadness, an empty stomach and some kicking little feet inside me. I look over my right side. “He is not home yet…” You don’t wanna know what I was thinking and how hard I was crying. I am strong but being in love or maybe being pregnant make my eyes be an infinite river. And is not just a few tears but an ocean that are leaving…

When I said that I love this man – I meant I love him more than myself. I was thinking he is happy but he proved me wrong. I used to think till this morning that this is it. This is what I wanted and waited all my life, this is why it didn’t work with the rest of the men – he is my life now. I don’t know anymore if we are a family. I think I might need to be used to the fact that some people are…

I am back…I hope I last.

My life changed in a whole different direction that I expected. My life with him –  I waited for this man all my life, of course I didn’t expect everything to be perfect but the feeling of rejection that followed me all this years is still here. He sees it like a complaint from my side and me on the other hand just want to be listened and cared. For every I love you, I hear I love you back – but…

From February 2017. *** I am 9 weeks.  And i am already very tired. Nausea and no food that sticks to my stomach. Its not wonderful and magical.  From 5 weeks and coming my days are good or bad. I cant wait to eat. Eat and feel better, cause food comforts me. Used to. So today my boss, looked at our kitchenette while i was at work and said: – oh, Alex, you have such a big appetite. Take it slow.…

I think he doesn’t know yet how much i love him. Like he never see my eyes when i look at him, that moment when they start filling with tears. Like the morning waking up when i touch his lips very carefully to not wake him up. Like when i kiss him everywhere just cause i cant stand without his touch. Like when i am so in love that i sleep alone in my bed and cant breath thinking of him. Like the…

Hold on, we are going home…

This week … is just past continuous all the way up to hell. I couldn’t cry today, not even a tear. No crazy thoughts through my mind and I didn’t even get angry. But on the other hand, I felt stupid. I got cold and very stubborn. I was just sure that this is not the end, that he is not that guy who will let me wonder or will call me bitch for cutting the call when he was speaking. I just knew, so…

Am un adevar sau un ‘of’ de scris, pentru ca nu m-ai suport femeile care isi iarta sotul dar o detesta pe amanta. Cind am inceput acest blog, eram intr-o relatie cu un baiat brunet si inalt, destept si cu simtul umorului dar dupa cum am aflat mult mai tirziu (dupa ce m-a lovit ‘dragostea’) avea prietena. Eu aveam 19 ani pe atunci, cu o experienta zero si cu o naivitate uimitoare. De prietena, nu…

How many boys or man I loved here?! It could be hundreds, or maybe just one. I  know the answer, but I dont feel like defending myself.  Look what they all did to me. Now I can’t trust my future husband; loving him, and pushing myself to trust him, rolling  into the circle gets me so tired and wasted.  I ask everyone but me. I need to stop worrying and just live. If he is gonna walk away, thas…

Yesterday I put out the desperate woman. He wanted to slow down the things. I said no! You know what ‘lets slow down’ means. No more things, no more nothing. I back-up it, I refused and explain my reason. But now, I can’t lose this feeling that he already decide for him; I can’t get this out of my mind that the things don’t go with the flow anymore. We don’t have fun, we don’t talk, we don’t even…

I died at the age of 25

I couldn’t sleep, I even start crying but didn’t get any tired eyes enough to fall asleep. Did work through the night like a zombie, but my mind is not stuck anymore. All my wars stopped and all the weapons are down. No more. I got him. And cause I believe in this, I got stuck in the crazy side of me. I want it now and here. No excuse, no explanations. Nothing. Here and now – no tomorrow. I lied…

I didn’t write much lately, did I? Is not like I am losing my passion, I think is just laziness and lack of time. I am so tired, and I write this with my eyes ‘wet’. I got stuck with routine and loads of unfocused goals. London gives me a lot of stories, but no muse and time for writing them. They just buzz in my head for days, months, years. This stories need real time and the girl behind this…

When I was in college, I was always speaking my bad inexperienced mouth, and I mean, that at that time I wasn’t reading too much, didn’t put any efforts to be bold and graceful. The one thing I do remember about those time that I was saying that I don’t believe much in marriage. I never did live a love story, I had had just burn it down to ashes every time I feel in love. Now, I react bad and…

When he told me he is not legal here, I was so relieved but once again I was just thinking ‘How the hell I do find them?’. He is this young-old guy, good christian with good manners and all this stuff. From his stories, he was homeless some time ago. People who lost everything once, intend to keep them self always on high alert, protected and are wiser with money than other. From the day he told…

Whatever it is, it feels like it’s laughing at me Through the glass of a two-sided mirror Whatever it is, it’s just laughing at me And I just wanna scream What now, I just can’t figure it out What now, I guess I’ll just wait it out, wait it out What now, what now.  

They are the one with problems and in the end I am the crazy one, too sentimental. Zero fuck given. I am so mad. I am terrible at keeping myself together. I want to broke everything and smash. But this time will be different? Zero fuck given my ass, I wish. How I wish to detach myself from it and focus better into my life. Tired for explaining myself, tired hearing all this complains and guilty…

I am so tired. I work like crazy, I don’t even have time for good sleep anymore. Everybody who knows me, know that I don’t accept anyone in my life, especially men. But this one, I swear to God, he was shy and all this calm and warm, that all I could feel was connection right there. I was relaxed but I could feel that from us two, I was the hurricane. I was crushing, falling and … swearing. Sorry…