Yessica

I am a writer that doesn’t know what to write about, better yet, doesn’t know how to start flowing all the things going through her head. Looking within her and what awaits... As within in as without, I must see first the love I have for myself because only that way I can feel as of service to love others with respect. And to do it with honor. To educate the rest because we are all one. We are all connected. How can I help?  Guide me, Lord. I am at your service to contribute to the best of mankind. To the beauty of your rivers, oceans, the wind we feel when you touch us, your eternal love for all of us. We are all your creation dear godly universe, whatever shape or figure or whatever, we are all yet so ignorant to know who you truly are. There is yet no known face for the creator of this beauty. Now lord, how can I help if I can’t even help myself first? – Or is this the way of learning it? - This trip. I’ve known deep down is a road to you, because I am yet still ignorant. The difference, if any, would be the self-will of seeking you. Because it’s not as easy as I thought. Till this day I can see that I continue to trip over the same rock. Over and over. Help me shade this shame away. We all think we have “the story” that our story is different from everyone else and therefore is more special, more meaningful. That our story is the greatest of them all, as if we actually had an audience that would be interested to read about how we are able to overcome all our fears and obstacles. – Truth be told, no one is reading. No one is there to even care, for they are minding their own business, they are also trying to write their own. We are all trying to impress an audience that is not there. Although there is of course those that make it in the “scene” and have that ‘audience’. I want to help in any way I can. I want to change the world. And so far, the only outcome is that I have to work on myself first. Then, when I am trying to think of ways on making this world a better one – boom – I’m faced with reality of things. The way life “has” to be. I realize the more I know about all sorts of topics (crisis) I see they all have their negative side. It scares me to know that I will only be able to contribute very little. A grain of sand. I feel so small facing all the truths about life.  I think I found the root of the problem. We are all controlled to think a certain way. From time before us. I can relate it to many events in all sorts of literature. All has been here for as long as we have record of it. Patterns that relate to this truth. So, are you scare to see? I see what my intuition tells me. My analytical thinking sees patterns of oppression to mankind. I understand why at some level this has to exist. I understand it, and that is why I can’t hate it. We all have learned the importance of order and if there is no order and discipline there would be chaos. So, to what extend is all of this ‘okay’ to control and oppress to reduce chaos? And most importantly…who is the one that says what is okay and what isn’t? Why are we born into the slavery of spiritual beliefs, media, the monetary life and property? Mother Nature, the land is free! – Who and why decides our lives? I don’t understand. Has anyone ever asked these questions before? Has anyone wondered before? People all over the world get torture for thinking for themselves. For having their own beliefs. It hurts so badly to see this. And to think that this could be the root of life’s current stage. They all preach similar fundamental ways to live happy, supposedly but they are all fighting against one another. It’s so hard to ignore what I see now. To ignore that we are oppress to think liberally. Is it that they do not trust us at all? What about those that have warm hearts and great minds? Why so much hate? Why so much suffering? Why so much ego? I come to ask myself, “If I can’t do anything to help my fellow brothers and sisters to freedom, then why live?” I can’t find my life reasonable if it’s not to serve. - There again, I am faced with the toughest questions. Are you ready to die for that believe? Are you ready to be wiped out of the map for thinking differently? I wish to live more moments where I am able to share this to as many people I can. Only freedom. For my brothers and sisters in north Korea, China, Philippines, Russia, Peru, Venezuela, Honduras, Ecuador, Africa, and everywhere. For those that can’t see the beauty of life. For those that fear every time they speak up and dream. I ask the universe the guidance, the path to contribute. To really contribute and raise awareness. For that is the only thing so far that I see possible to do. To have faith that in many years to come, everything will get better, to later also go back to being complicated. Accept what your current reality is. I hope that this misery is put out for all those that suffer. And even though we are separated by the terms of “miles away”, we are all connected. Why fear that earth can’t possibly give us the fruits and veggies and even animals with moderation to feed our mouths? –  Because we egger to have more. Competing with our neighbor to be better and more what? Special?  So, then I ask “Is that your own way of thinking, deep down?” or was that shoved deep in your throat? Did you ever doubt if that’s what you truly wanted or did you allow for your surrounding determine that for you? Why would you ever doubt on your own mind, of your natural instincts? Are you truly free within you? Do you even know what that means? Have you ever wondered?                  Current Status; I do not have a home, I move from point A to point B. I don’t have anywhere to go. For now, all I can do is discover myself within, because that is the only thing I can honestly prefer doing than contributing for others to get rich and self-centered. I have been told, that I am an idealist, I have been told that I will do great things, no one knows if that is true, nothing but death is certain.  

Somewhere in the coast of Quintana Roo, 2016

I thank you if you are reading this. Two years later after I wrote this piece above and I am shocked at how my life has turned out. I still ask myself these questions from time to time. 

One thing is certain a part from death, this is a never-ending story. The progress is slow and you have to learn to love the patience it takes. 

We forget.

We grow and become less aware. We go into the mist of others perspective.

We forget.

Do you remember? The feeling of pure love, Pure joy?

I see, some never had that. So, where are the rest that did? Are they also lost in this mist called ‘Reality’? Behind cubicles, Behind the wrong scene, Contributing to their own suffering?

We forget.

That there is more to this. Our own dreams,  Our own precious moments of pure bliss.

We forget.

That all of us have our own way of thinking, That each mind is a whole different universe.

We forget.

Night is falling and the stars twinkle, her feet buried under the sand while shootings starts fly above her head. Death is there, holding her hand while her face begins to melt into his chest. A journey begins amongst the dead, in search of her father's hand, She hopes to hold him back from the unknown path where believers pray his pain will fade. and if there is such thing, is it best to let go to her father's hand ?