one way to combat this is to be confidently proactive and no-shame reactive. they're still little enough that they think the world of you as a parent or an adult. the key is being casual instead of shocked and upset.
"oh, i don't think that's just for girls. it's pink, but anybody can like pink."
"oh yeah, purple is a great color! colors are for everybody."
"you're right-- i am a girl. that means i have a strong body just like a boy, and i can [climb/use a drill/take out the trash] with my arms."
"hm i don't think we're letting private parts make a decision about this toy."
"if other kids give you a hard time, you can just say you like this toy (or this color) and that's why. if anyone is rude to you, it might hurt, but they're the ones being wrong."
"i think it's cool that we both have eyes that can cry if we're feeling overwhelmed or sad. it helps us communicate how we feel."
"some kids might tell you this is for girls, but it's really just for people. we can have fun and play with anything safe that's interesting. it's sad that some kids don't have adults that teach them that."
"it's important to play and learn all kinds of skills. what if you find out you like to cook? what if someday you have a friend who needs help?"
"you know who buys the MOST glitter? people who make paint for boats. guys who go fishing spend more time with glitter than anyone else."
"it's divided into girls and boys because some grownups maybe care more than they should about colors. but that's not a real rule."
like. you gotta prepare them to stand up for themselves and you gotta normalize *recognizing* and dismissing those comments, or they WILL start to win out. walk your toddler sons or nephews down all the toy aisles. let them hold a baby doll. take your girls through the hot wheels and nerf sections.
and don't make the mistake of swinging to the other extreme. trying to talk a four year old boy into the pink version, or trying to talk a four year old girl out of wanting a frilly dress are JUST as gendering. you're sending signals that they should ignore their own preferences to appease an adult's preferred worldview, and they're going to equally cave when it's in support of an ideology you don't like. let them gravitate toward what they like and give them the language to recognize it as personal preference-- to identify and disregard comments, or defend others-- even if their preference is 100% mainstream.
the goal isn't to make sure little boys have pink toys and play house, or that little girls get construction tools and wear blue.
the secondary goal is to strip away the gender-signaling in toys and prepare kids to stand up for OTHER HUMANS.
the primary goal is to equip kids to play and wear what they like without shame or fear.
and it's so fucking sad it starts so early, but it can work both ways-- you can have kids going home from the same daycare suddenly equipped by peers to say, NO I DO WANT THE TOOLBOX FOR MY BIRTHDAY, NOAH SAYS HIS MOM FIXES EVERYTHING IN HER HOUSE and I LIKE THE ONE WITH FLOWERS, SOPHIE SAYS HER DAD LOVES FLOWERS.
maybe this means liam in kindergarten spends most of his playtime with baby dolls and glitter stickers. or maybe it means liam plays with monster trucks and wears red shirts with basketballs, but will tell a peer, "oh it's cool that you like pink. is that your favorite color? i like red but pink icing is my favorite on cake." and it's because a beloved uncle or big brother or parent said, "oh strawberry icing is MY favorite, too! i always want pink icing on my cake. the cake doesn't care if i'm a boy or a girl."
or maybe liam had an experience like my five year old, where he was going across a construction store parking lot in his bright pink crocs and a man tumbled out of his SUV fifty feet away to stick a leg in the air and yell, "HEY, WE BOTH HAVE PINK CROCS!" just to be nice. because pink is for humans.
tl;dr -- i get the grief here. i've felt it, too. but the way we change this isn't with shock or dread. it's with intention and grace and being involved. in modeling conversation and comments without spite or criticism.
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