An Open Journal

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Tear me from these dreams of pills,

Of bubbling skin, of flesh pulling from nerve and bone.

Bring me back to the land of the living.

For a blissful moment,

Let me live in serenity

Before I remember

The bottle on my nightstand

Sometimes, I remember that I'm trans. It's such a delicate topic in my household. I hate that. Here's a poem I wrote about it. ----

There’s this sick sense of relief that washes over me

When I say that she’s dead.

Maybe it’s because of who she was.

Maybe it’s because of who I was.

Maybe it's because of us.

Was there ever really an us?

They keep talking as if there was.

They raise their voices,

Begging and pleading with me to bring her back.

But was she ever really there

Or was she a mask?

A wooden one,

One that rotted and had paint that peeled,

One that gave me splinters,

One that cut my eyes,

And crippled my view.

They scream and cry.

Why was she so loved?

Why was I cast aside in her presence?

Why can they only plead for her back?

Why can’t they appreciate that I’m here?

They continue to grovel,

But I’ve stopped listening.

My eyes have drifted past this home,

Past these chain link fences,

Past this town.

I can’t help but wonder

Who was she?

Some writing about a toxic relationship

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I sometimes wonder how much longer you’ll be here, how much longer you’ll scream. But it doesn’t really matter what I think. I can’t do anything but take it. These shackles around my wrists have become my skin. I’ve decayed already. There’s no muscle left. No way to escape, no way to walk past you. Not that I would. Not again. The concrete at that time was new, back when I could bleed. That was when I first stained everything red. When you yelled at me over and over until you got tired and walked out the door. 

For a few minutes, I thought it was over. It was surprisingly peaceful to die there, to let the blood seep out without trying to stop it. But you walked back in with a sponge and a bucket of water that sloshed onto the floor. You lowered your voice and kneeled next to me and pulled what was left of my hand to yours, so you could whisper pitifully in my ear as you washed the shackles. It didn't do anything. It never would. Not in any of the following times you’d attempt it. All you did was spill water on me. 

I’ve been glued together, glued to the wall. Some bones are fractured from falling to the ground over and over. Some are mismatched. You only put me back together when you lose your voice. Then, you sweep up the dust and fill the gaps in my skeleton. You form me. But the mud and dirt will fall, and I’ll return to who I once was. Again and again.

There's something frustrating about existing.

I can never tell if it's me or them.

It's infuriating to watch people allow themselves to be stepped on and then complain about being crushed. If you're annoyed with how she treats you, set a single boundary — KEEP one boundary—literally one.

She gets away with anything. When I get annoyed about it, of course, I'm the bad guy. Then, you come to me complaining about how she wont respect your boundaries. No shit, you don't maintain any of them so she doesn't care.

It's not like I'm saying I'm the strongest person ever. I struggle with boundaries too. The reality, though, is that she feels entitled to get anything she wants. Anything.

Recently, we had the threat of bedbugs in our house because she invited a friend who had them to sleep over with us (not necessarily on purpose). You got stressed, reasonably so, because you are the one who has to handle everything. She got mad that you were upset. You apologized. You said she can't have a sleepover for a few months because bedbugs are a major problem where we live right now. She got mad. You gave in. You said she can't have a sleepover for at least two weeks because of the bedbug threat. She got mad. You gave in and offered to pay for a hotel room for her and all of her friends if she wanted to have a sleepover. I got annoyed and said that she was being unreasonable. She got mad, locked herself in her room, and cried. You got mad at me and told me to apologize. I said no. Today, I walked in on her planning a sleepover with THREE people at OUR house the night we get back into town. After being in the airport all day and getting back at 10pm, she's having 3 people sleep over. I got annoyed. She looked satisfied. You were mad that I was mad.

In what world is not being allowed to sleep with your friends for two weeks a massive deal? She was allowed to hang out with them, visit them, and whatever. She just couldn't sleep over, and she threw a fit.

I always hung out at my friend's place, and I got guilt-tripped for it. She genuinely just gets money thrown at her.

Do you know why all of her hangouts are sleepovers? Because they'll get high and vape, so they can't drive/interact with people late. Of course, you know this, and she's underage, but no one actually punishes her. Everyone makes threats, but she's well aware that nothing sticks, so she doesn't give a shit.

It's just frustrating to watch because you come to me to complain about how she doesn't respect you or love you. She doesn't have to. You give her everything she wants anyway.

I'm frustrated right now. Here's a playlist that's loud and annoyed and angry. Sometimes I just need to drown everything out, and this is the playlist I use for that.

I've been blessed with a good life for the most part. I've always been privileged.

Still, I can't help but resent people who have things that I want. Those who get better grades than me, who qualify for better scholarships, who don't struggle to decipher other people, who have people falling at their feet to know them.

I don't really want those things with who I am right now. I would give anything to, instead, put myself in their shoes, to trade in my conscious for theirs.

I want to be in their skin, in their bones. I want to see their family as mine and have them see me as theirs.

I don't want to become a man. I want to have been a man. I want to be a man. I don't want to become beautiful. I want to have been beautiful. I want to be beautiful. I don't want whatever they have. I want to be them.

I want to be someone who doesn't flinch away at specific sounds, who doesn't struggle with anxiety that cripples them physically. I want to become them, to have been raised as them, to have their traits, both good and bad.

Does that make sense? I think this playlist explains it well. I've constantly been held down by myself, like concrete shoes drowning me in the river. I'd give a lot to see someone else's problems as my own for a day, even if they're worse than mine. At least it's different and not the same cycle I've been stuck in. Maybe it'll refresh my mind and send me back to my body with a new outlook. Maybe it won't.

Instead, I sit in the same room. I sit with the same problems. I sit with the same people. I sit with the same flaws. I sing the same song. Over and over and over.

I dissociate at times. I'll take myself away from my body and my emotions. I focus only on the buzzing in my skull, the hum of life and death and everything in between.

I am grateful for the medications I've been put on and the help I've sought as I work through my fears. Every once in a while, though, I fall back into the same cyclical pattern.

I've decided to take up crystals and tarot and mystical stuff as a hobby (just decided it today, actually). I'm so used to constantly being skeptical and not allowing myself to branch out to new things because it doesn't "add" anything to my worth. I'm tired of that, though. I want to have fun like other people. I want to waste my money. I want to dedicate time to trying to control things I don't think I can truly control. I want to be passionate. I want to have passion.

I'm sick of waiting for some being in the sky to turn me into someone else. Maybe it's time to take myself into my own hands. Maybe this is the start of that. Maybe not. At least I'll be able to say I tried.

I got my first likes last night! It's sort of thrilling. Thank you to those who liked my posts.

I wanted to make a happier post. I'm not always focused on the negative in my life.

My friend messaged me this morning. She was vulnerable about some of her feelings, and I really appreciated that. It's always nice to be trusted by someone close to you. She has also been there for me since we started our friendship, and I'm happy that I can support her. I wish her nothing but the best, truly.

I try to wake up each day, knowing it's a new day to be who I want to be. It's hard, but the sunshine makes it easier. I'm grateful for spring, and I'm even more grateful for summer. I love the summer! It's bright and warm, and I live sorta close to the beach.

This summer, I'm hoping to get an internship or a job, see concerts, and visit my friends a lot!

This playlist is for a warm, sunny day. It's light and airy and fun. It's for relaxing on the beach or playing while you see your friends and catch up over coffee on your porch. I hope you enjoy :)

It's weird posting here. I've never used Tumblr before, and it feels weird to use it as a public diary. I've always wanted to share my music, though, and to explain myself a little. I like the anonymity of everything plus the idea that someone could possibly relate to me, even if no one ever sees my posts.

Initially, I wanted to post a writing blog. I fell out of writing several years ago and am on a journey to get my passion back. I let my fear control me again, though. I deleted it all within three days. At some point, I'll realize how pathetic I'm being. Right now, I'll live in my anxiety. How long will this blog stay up, I wonder. It's anyone's guess. I think it's performance anxiety. I wasn't allowed to be bad at things while I was growing up. It's kept with me in the worst ways. I can't start things or maintain things without encouragement. I also can't read people well, so the encouragement has to be painfully direct.

I made this playlist while I was in my room alone. It always comes back to relationships on this blog, for some reason, and this post is no different. I have little experience in relationships, especially romantic ones, so I prefer not to start them due to my fears of "firsts" and, more specifically, my fear of being bad at them. I'd rather run away than face the music. I always regret it at the end of the day, but my pride is too high to overcome it, so I don't change.

I think those who know me would be disappointed to read all of this stuff. I don't seem as insecure in real life. I hope they don't stumble across this blog. I hope some strangers can find solace in these thoughts and fears of mine, though.

I think it's usually easier to exit situations as the bad guy. There's no need to argue or try to prove you're right; you just take the loss, add it to the list, and move on.

Maybe it's self-sabotage, maybe it's some last-ditch attempt at boundaries? If I walk away and let everything go, even with them thinking I'm the problem, am I setting a boundary or running away?

I constantly have this itch to just run away, to abandon those I know and, even more, those who know me, to move away and never come back, to forget everyone exists. I think it all comes back to wanting to recreate myself. It's hard to exist with people who have always known you, people who have seen you at your worst.

In my relationships, I find myself constantly searching for excuses to leave. I'm notorious for starting too hard and burning out early. It's not that the other person is boring; it's more that I am, I think. It's a projection of insecurities that are hard to surpass. What if I'm boring? What if they want to leave? Why do emotions feel so unnatural? Why am I afraid of moving forward?

I'd rather be seen as mean than weak. That's what it really comes down to.

This playlist is one I created a while ago. It's an encapsulation of some of my fears and reactions in relationships. My desire to be on the run, my desire for a battle, my desire to stay, the asphyxiation by drowning I feel when I think about all of it.

As always, I hope you enjoy. Please reach out if you have any song recommendations

I have a complicated history with relationships, not only romantic ones. Semi-recently, I lost three friendships that were years long. I'd say no one is really at fault for any of them; they mostly fizzled out as we struggled at the same time. It sucks, though, knowing they can exist without me. I wonder if they think about me and the loss of my friendship the way I mourn them. Everyone tells me the same thing, "it's water under the bridge." They want me to move on, and I get that. I just can't seem to, though. I finally deleted them as contacts today. I'm glad I won't have to see them in my old messages anymore, I think. It takes time to move on. Time and willpower. As I get better, I've found it easier to accept the reality that they're gone, though they're around. Does that make sense? Anyway, I made this playlist with music I found relatable. This playlist is for people who have lost a relationship but still see the person around or think of them. It's not necessarily an "I want you to come back" playlist; it's just one that mourns the relationship that used to exist. Sometimes, relationships are meant to end, even if you mourn the loss. Things are ever-changing. Nothing stays the same. But, sometimes, God, I wish they did. I hope you find someone who will support you through any rough patches or good times that you may have. Please reach out to me if you'd like to talk or have any song recommendations for the playlist.