Angry thoughts of a drunk I just want to share because... why not?
Okay I'm drunk, but it doesn't mean that I can't be understansdable either in French nor in English because I'm pretty sure that my current state is not that bad.
So... I'm really sad, depressed, stressed out about my future... what am I gonna do about my future ? Right now it's almost four in the afternoon and I'm drunk. Not because I had a crazy night... even though I got to bed at five in the morning or four.... I don't really remember... why am I even really writing in english even though I'm french ?... I'm so supid sometimes... I'm such an idiot.
What is so wrong with me ?
I am really crying rgiht now... so cliché... I'm such an idiot...
My cat is right beside me, on the table, next to my computer... and she can't even understand what is going through my mind.... and now she's gone...
I'm listening to a song I don't even know.... My fingers are working on the keyboard faster than I can even follow.... typing words with mispelling.... is that a word ? I'm french... damn it.... why am I writing in english... ?  I am so drunk and alone... I haven't even finish my second drink... okay I'm gonna do it...
I was once in love with someone... I didn't even realise it... until this someone declare their love for me... it didn't obviously end well... I rejected her... even as a friend because I didn't want her to hope that someday the response would be any different... I'm such a mess...
J'aimerais un jour pouvoir dire que ce n'était pas une mauvaise idée. Que j'ai fait tout ce que j'ai pu pour avoir une vie décente... acceptable... j'ai tellement l'impression de ne pas réussir à accomplir toutes les missions d'un jeu. Failure. I'm such a failure. YES. I'm a failure. Why am I even here ?
Still crying and still drunk.
On ne devrait pas avoir à subir la vie... c'est subir peu importe ce vous pensez.... je subis. Je suis seule. Je ne sais pas ce que je veux faire de ma vie... parce qu'on est censé savoir quoi faire de ça.... de la vie. And I'm still crying. Listening to songs I know and don't know.
What am I supposed to do when everything seems to be against my happiness ? I'm not suicidal.... right now.... but... I don't know what to do... ever... when I am like this nor when I am actually feeling good enough to believe that someday I'll just find my way to become 'someone'... what am I even saying ?
Am I even talking to someone ?
Wellcome to the dark side...
What is that song coming through my earphones ? I don't even know... but it fits so well... I'm such an idiot.
I don't even know what I want to say...
Depression is not easy...
I don't even know what is the point in telling people that I'm not feeling well. People don't want to know that.... they don't bother... they have their own problems... but... sometimes you may feel that telling your feelings to someone might feel like a burden is lift off your shoulders...
Oh my god I'm so drunk... Is that Halsey that I hear through my earphones ? I'm french damn it... why is it so difficult to think right now ???? …. I'm such an idiot when it comes to.... everything... my cat is lucky to have my unconditionnal love... nobody except her has it...
I live so low... less ? I don't know... It's like I don't even allow myself to feel something something.... Is it because I'm an ace ? Because I don't want to have kids or a partner ? What am I supposed to do when I don't want either ? What am I supposed to do when I don't have any purpose ?
J'aimerais avoir un jour un vœu... un but. Je ne sais pas. Je suis tellement nulle et bourrée et seule. Pourquoi suis-je en train d'écrire alors que je ne sais si j'ai vraiment envie que quelqu'un lise ceci ?...
And it comes in waves... what is that song ? I've already heart it...
it's exactly like depression... it comes in waves... you don't always feel depressed... sometimes you happen to fool yourself in some kind of normalty... happiness...
Still crying though I don't know the point.
I am sure, certain, that I'm not even coherent in my writing...
Okay now I know this song that just begun... it's Scared to be Lonely... oh my god it's exactly how I'm feeling about my future.... because yeah... I'm always... I'll always be lonely... no matter what.... I'll be lonely. Ace and without any focus.
My parends just put me in this world that was supposed to be wonderful, full of promises but...
LOL.... I'm just so lost in this world... nothing just matter enough to just be...
I love alcohol... it makes you so honest about everything... people like to talk when they are drunk. They want to share. It like a key to unlock everything that has been kept inside your own world.
My world is full of bullshit. Bullshit that I fullfill to entertain myself or I would just kill myself. Yeah... I'm not scared to write it... Bullshit save me everytime I try to live. How the fuck am I supposed to fall asleep when I don't know what is going on with my life other wise ?
I don't care about anything except the fact that I'll still be unhappy about evertyhing.
I'm an artist. I could play piano if I really wanted to... or play any other instrument I believe... but...
I can draw... If I really wanted to I could perfection my skill... If I really wanted to...
I could write... if my mood would allow me to. Most of the time I'm feeling depressed other every little things that make me different from everyone... even about every little things.
I think everyone think there are unique and because of that everyone isn't unique. We don't matter. We live and die like everything. We don't even fucking matter in any way. The truth is that. We won't leave a mark of our existence even if we really wanted to. And even if we do, why should it matter to anyone ? To anything ?
We just assume that what we do is so very important peu importe who we are.
Assuming.... is the worst thing that could happen to us right ? Amirite ? LOL.
I'm supposed to be beautiful, I really think I am but how does it matter when I am an ace ?
Not that even make sense... remember I'm drunk... and french. ?????
What the fuck am I even doing right now ?
I am supposed to find a job... a carrer... a purpose...
I think humans like to complain but maybe it's just the french ones ? Je suis tellement stupide.
Don't tell me what to do... and don't tell me what to say... you don't own me...
Don't put me on display...
Well.... yeah I'm drunk...
Just let me be myself that's all I ask of you... I'm young and I love to be young, I'm free and I love to be free...
Damn it... I love music, I love music... you can so relate to this.... even though it's not really specific most of the time. Singer won't be too personnal about their lyrics or people won't find them so like them ? Is that even english what I am saying ?
Can love myself No I don't need anybody else...
I just want to throw everything away even though most of those things aren't even mine. I'm almost 25 and I still live with my parents and I don't have a steady job. Fuck my life. And yeah... no... don't... fuck me lol.
I'm so funny aren't IÂ ? even though I'm depressed/depressive... I can still be so funny...
Il est 17h28, je suis toujours un peu saoule. Je me suis déplacée sur le balcon comme si être là allait changer quelque chose à mes émotions. Je suis... screwed, fucked up. Je n'arrive pas à trouver mes mots en français... je suis stupide.
I feel so alienated. Most of the time I'm just breathing. I qneg d d xddd gnd f ,
I can't even see the keyborad anymore. Yes I feel not human anymore... not since I grew up. Since I got judgment. Since I've become an adult. Since I realised I was an ace.
The point of being seems to work, found your own familly, grow old and die... but what if you don't want to have children ? What if you're an ace who don't even want an emotional partner ? What if you don't know what you want to be ? What if you're unemployed and don't know what work you want to do ?
I'm almost 25 damn it... my mom was a mother... my father was an electrician or a plumber or whatever... I'm not any of those and never will be...
At this rate I will never be.
I will never be anything.
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