beading_down_arid_ground

everybode pray for me pls

"Wind From the Sea" 1947

dear god please someone make a gemma nd mark edit to this song ill pay

another relevant thing ig i can rant about while im at it, is performative activism. virtue signalling. part of the inescapable pitfalls of being someone who gives a shit on social media. concepts i guess i have a love hate relationship with. because on one hand, they're real. social media is made for performance, and there's no better way to perform being a good human than advertising it on your story with links to posts or google docs or gofundmes. better if you can guilt trip people a little too. and its so easy, and so accessible. and best of all, airtight. your moral character cannot be up for debate bc, well, youve proved yourself. and it sucks that that is the approach, conscious or not, that a loooot of people have when it comes to using their platforms. the easiest part is, you dont have to be consistent ab it at all. you can litter your activist story posts in amongst your club selfies and latte art. and youve successfully 1, watered down your activism (making it palatable and therefore useless, ultimately) and 2, used it to virtue signal. the reason im going so ham on this point is bc of the fact that it is unavoidable if youre an average person. im guilty too!! this whole blog is proof of my hypocrisy lol so ill say it bc its true, whether i like it or not. it's kind of the only way to be in 2025. and its whyyyyy this shit just doesnt or is not working. bc on the other hand then, you have me now. whos completely dropped off the radar bc walking that tightrope is just tricky. and also a trap lowkey. bc okay, you guilt trip your followers, intentionally or not, but you could be guilt tripped right back for your post being about only 1 of 9999999 important things. theres no winning. nd now i knowww for many people, theyre not consciously or maliciously trying to bring awareness to things they care ab. its simply a matter of, this is something i care about, and i also care about my new shoes so here they are. and i also care about nature so heres a pic of me at the park. and i also care about this other global issue too. but regardless, the media you post is ultimately, to be consumed by others. and that scrutiny, of why you performed this way, can (and likely will) always debated. one approach you can take, is the "idgaf if you think im virtue signalling, im gna talk my shit". which i used to take myself. and i guess the reason i stopped, wasnt because of my reception; but because of my own guilt around feeling so passionate and convicted by one thing, knowing how many other things there are and how useless my voice is. i came to thinking that once the value disappears, it becomes about the performance. thats why ive stopped actively participating i guess. im still there, engaging in the background, but the system of online activism is flawed and it's hard to be a part of without feeling like its futile. i am not trying to shame people who do or don't participate, and i am very obviously not the post police. all im trying to do is critique a flawed system that seems to work for no one and simultaneously punishes everyone - guilt, shame, social scrutiny, and ultimately futility (the worst part), all seem to play an inherent role in this system. did i really need to be writing about ts? no. are there about a million and one things more important i couldve written about instead? yes. this entire braindump is very minor and unnecessary discourse to be having around this subject matter. but i hope my sentiment is clear. i still care, i still do what i can, i feel guilty about all of it, i know my guilt doesnt matter, and yet, neither does genuinely trying to make a difference anyway. so what the fuck right!! yeah. ok. its 5am now and i should log off. free palestine, free sudan, free congo, free haiti, free all minorities and oppressed peoples always and forever # toitūtetiriti :x

i ended talking ab gaza. another crazy thing ive witnessed as a byproduct of its' constant media coverage, is a movement of people who become zios or isra*l supporters purely out of spite, and/or for the sake of being contrarian. to spite the notion that palestinians are people worth their empathy, to rebel against a concept they seem to feel is 'shoved down their throats'. in a world where this is the way people move, how can you not become disillusioned? how are you possibly meant to have any faith in humanity? when the leader and president of the most (arguably) powerful nation in the world, is a convicted felon? and that's only for white collar crimes, nevermind his long documented history of gross perversion and SA. like the world has not felt like a real place - i was gna say since 2016 but i guess you could say ever idk, that's just when my little brain 'woke' up to the world around me lol. the world is genuinely a big joke. and idk those are just two things off the top of my head, highly relevant rn, and yet would not even fulfil one whole percent of fucked up things in the world today. the kinds issues that plague my mind and cause the suffering of billions globally, the cruel irony is that theyre all preventable. and thats the sick part. preventable, or solvable in this world with the resources we have. but because im little old me and youre little old you, nothing we can do (it feels like) will even make a dent; bc the people who want bad shit to happen, have the means and ability to make it happen and keep it happening however long they deem necessary until they get what they need. im basically writing mad world from 24 fuckign years ago lol. but idk that's just more proof that things dont or havent truly changed overtime. they might have in the material world, but human nature hasnt changed. the desire for power, the hunger for wealth and status, despite the countless times humans learn and are taught the lesson that that shit doesnt matter, that nasty greed still has always prevailed. esp because in our capitalistic societies, that shit is actually rewarded - you get a fat bag if you trade your morality and capacity for genuine love. ok c part 3 lol

i deleted a lot of old posts i found now cringey in retrospect. which is kinda sad, bc at some point i loved whatever it was. corny ships from shows, cringe relatable text posts,idk even describing things as 'cringe' is lowk sad but it is unfortunately how i look back on my own past regarding a lot of things. innately i dont believe anything should be cringe (apart from being a pos) but idk im a highly critical and judgemental person, towards other people yes, but especially myself. i guess thats why i really admire people who really dont give a shit ab their perception. im jealous of the people who are cringe and free. maybe thats really why i judge them lol, bc im bitter. i wish i didnt care either, but so far ive been the type of person who'll refuse to be perceived if i can help it. i havent posted on my personal social media in over 2 years. i guess i'd want people to think im outside and mysterious and living my life, if anything. but the truth is far from that lol. im not outside, im in a hole. ive beeeen in a hole lmao. stuck in a self loathing, self pitying state of mind that i haven't yet been able to get myself out of. idk this post is rlly not going where it was meant to so far lol but maybe i should write more on here. anyways. i started talking about deleting old posts, meaning to segue into talking ab online activism - rather my lack thereof in recent years. it's not that i stopped caring, or stopped paying attention. moreso that it made me apathetic and feel disillusioned by society at large. i know this feeling isn't uncommon, but is still the least important aspect of what i'm talking about i guess lol. but idk i feel the need to address why (to my zero followers) i won't really be reposting activism-centred posts anymore. i can't say, but idk. i logged back in, and thought ab the fact that i should find more 2025 relevant cultural and societal issues to repost about. but then i thought, idrk if i want to do that bc i know itll lead me down a rabbit hole of terrible awful dark shitty situations around the world and 1, idk if im mentally prepared for that rn (im aware that doesnt rlly matter but whatever) and 2, itll only end in apathy for me. you see one post about one issue, you learn about 30 more, then 50 more, all current, all products of humans own greed or narcissism or lack of empathy, and all of which i am powerless against. i know, people will say it doesnt matter if you feel powerless. the more people who talk ab an issue raise awareness in the greater scheme of things, so it all helps. even if it feels like a drop in the ocean. etc etc. but honestly, from what ive seen and experienced of the world, i havent known that to be true. maybe 50 years ago activism meant more. people had more to risk to be heard. people were more motivated by the concept of radical change. to truly be an activist, to fight for something, imo had greater impact. the stakes were higher. now, the internet and news sphere is so saturated. and im not saying stakes are low now, but for the average person, reposting a photo or tiktok or story costs nothing. and you would think that would mean change is more likely when everybody's fyps are flooded with activist posts touching on the same issues - i sadly think its had the opposite effect. im living proof i guess. having something to say in 2025 feels as insignificant now as me writing this post. because everyone has several things to say. and it all gets lost in the sauce, for lack of better words. the average person today, (say, in comparison to 1975) would be a lot more aware of their local politics and global issues, and yet i feel like it's that fact that really prohibits real change today. i mean, look at how the state of isra*l has been demolishing gaza, committing genocide in 4k, seen and condemned by nearly the entire world. has it mattered? no. media saturation hasn't moved the dial in over 2 years atp. im gna have to make a new post char limit ripppp