Kisaki's Obsession

This is not something i made up but i had a nightmare a few days ago and Jing Yuan was in it which actually change my view on him. FIRST OF ALL, I LOVE HIM TO DEATH, HE IS MY FAV HUSBAND CAHRACTER IN WHOLE HSR AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I WAS SCARED TO LOOK AT HIM IN GAME.

the scenario was placed in a school and i was walking alone and decided to go to the library, going into a room which change the scenario from school hallway to an empty bridge with a single functioning lampost. At the end of the bridge is a library which i wanted to go, it was dark too 😭

there he was standing leaning against the fence of the bridge. i still remember the fence was dark and rusted. he was leaning against the fence with his back looking down unfazed of whatever the atmosphere is. he was mumbling something which i couldnt hear what he said, but i clearly heard him mumbling softly.

i remembered that i walked passed him and said "hello" to him with a smile (YES I DID THAT), but he didnt noticed or respond or even a "hmph!" sound like a dad agreeing something. i didnt expect anything back since you know he IS General Jing Yuan, and who am i kidding?

so as i walked on the bridge which feels like too far, i noticed and heard heavy footsteps like a marching boot slowly walk behind me, (if you heard his boots sound in game you will understand me) i didnt really care since maybe Jing Yuan was walking behind me and wanted to go to the library and turned on the lights in it?

but he kept on walking and walking with his boots while sighing and grunting, acting all miserable or frustrated, you know the "hmm" sound? yes thats it it felt like the bridge was too long to reach at the end. my adrenaline was rushing and overthing takes over that i spin around to confront Jing Yuan.

I flashed on my flashlight on his torso, asking why is he stomping so hard on the creaking plank of the bridge. he didnt answered. my heart was pounding like crazy atp but the moment i flashed my light on his face, i was horrified to find that he was headless 😭

and you know what i did? fight or flight kicked in and i kicked his body, widen the gap between me and him, and in my dream it felt like i kicked back for 4 feet apart like in anime. i saw he didnt fall down by my kick he started to charge towards me, and yall... there is no nightmare this scary when a headless Jing Yuan started to charge towards you like a maniac. MIND YOU HE DIDNT HAVE A HEAD YET HE STILL GRUNTING LIKE KAMIKAZE OR SUM💔

i went inside the dimmed light library and locked it, he banged on the door a few times and thinking that i wasnt there, he walked away. i could clearly see him leaning against the fence again, only this time he was still headless. but i saw the door slide where i entered in the beginning open and saw someone i know... i ran towards him, idk why,

Just as i hesitate to run towards the guy, Jing Yuan started to climb up the fence of the bridge and fell down. i still remember that in that dream i looks down where he fell flat from 400ft. blood splattered and since the atmosphere was like a blank forest or ominous void, there was just eerie feeling and glad that the friend that enetered the room with me was there holding on to the door for me.

PLEASE, THAT WAS THE SCARIEST NIGHTMARE I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND THE FACT THAT IT WAS JING YUAN I WASNT SURE IF I WANTED TO PLAY HIM ANYMORE I JUST COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO SAY THAT IT WAS ALL A DREAM BUT IT FELT SO SCARY AND OMINOUS TO ME.

now is DAY 6 after the dream and i havent play him yet. had to take a break from the game since he is my main 😔

that was it. sorry if you got confused by any of my scenarios because what dream ever make sense right? hopefully i get a dream where i can marry Jing Yuan and him cooking for me as an apology soon ☺️

like youre such a failure in your life and the only thing youre good at it is just existing and breathing air yet you still feel inferior because GENERAL JING YUAN IS LITERALLY OUTSHINE YOU AND YOU CANT BLAME HIM BECAUSE:

1. HE IS A HONORABLE GENERAL OF DIVINE OF FORESIGHT

2. HE IS SO MASCULINE THAT THE ONLY GIRLY THING ABOUT HIM IS HAVING A GIRLFRIEND OR A WIFE TO LIVE WITH

3. even Tingyun is obsessed with that man and sell his 'exclusive' pics all around the Xianzhou

UGH LIKE I CANT EVEN HANDLE HIS VOICE ESPECIALLY HIS ENG VOICE OMGGGGGGG I MIGHT TEAR MYSELF APART AND THE FACT THAT HE MADE HIS APPEARANCE BACK IN PENACONY AGAIN IS SUCH A BLISS FOR ME, PLS I AINT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAVE THE SAME SURGE AS ORGASM BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A HUSBAND JUST CAME BACK FROM WAR ALL IN ONE PIECE?

not that much tho, but ughhhhh, i might consider this obsession over a character is a bit much but seeing him gave me a glimpse of hope that someone out there is like him (tall, masculine, and soft spoken and just overall and boyfriend and husband material)

i can cook and learn ever recipes from around the world and feed him, clean the house, wash the laundry. anything with housechores, i feel like a sore loser for liking someone that is out of my league and definitely as introvert as a worm in a cold winter. and for someone like him to like someone like me feels like he is more pity of me than he actually fell for me. BUT WHATEVER, ITS JING YUAN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HEHEHEHEH

im giggling as i wrote this but pls tell me im not the only one that feels like that.

some men have health but wealth

some men have health and wealth but love

some men have health, wealth and love but hair

NOT THAT KIND OF A SIMPLE I LOVE YOU BUT MORE TO I DESIRE HIM. HES SO GENTLE AND SOFT SPOKEN AND TRULY SHOW HIS MASCULINITY.

his arms that carries tons of weight and swing the spear like it was a broom stick. gosh he coulve pick me up in a single try. DAMNNNN

I KNOW IT'S BEEN LIKE VERSION 3.1 UPDATE BUT JING YUAN STILL PLACE THE WARMEST PART OF MY HEART AMONG ALL THE MEN EXIST IN THE GAME PLSSSS I WANT JING YUAN

I hate myself. I really hate myself that i, most of the time think of doing suicide. But i didn't because i'm scared. No because of the afterlife or anything but what if i manage to survive from that? The cut on the wrist? Or jumping from how many from floors and somehow survive? Or drinking any that intoxicate yourself only to end up in the hospital bed with treatments?

That scares me alot. It's a torture that i wish to avoid in my life. The bills, the people i could claim i once or forever love around me, treating me differently after that eventhough it wasn't like this before. Maybe someone over shower me with love, maybe mistreated me. But i don't care and it dont matter to me. The mental state i have right was undiagnose, i wish to be treat though but i' afraid of what the world might see me as.

Attention seeker? And actress? Or just a pure witch who condemn to harm anyone near.

No, i'm just a normal person. Seeking for help from someone who understand my abnormality.

I don't remember how or when things started but i'm scared to take a nap after an exhausting day. I'm scared that someone will barged into my room and told me to wake up like i have to go somewhere important.

I had many people asking me if i ever did self harm. The truth is i never did. But that does not really link closer to suicidal thoughts right? No, i always picture myself got pushed to the main road and hit by a car, pushed down the stairs and break my neck and die, kill me with a single bullet through my head even in my sleep. I just hate when it didn't happened to me. Truthfully i disappointed myself for not creating a hate team on me just so someone could do that to me.

However when i think about it again, it's unfair for my mother, father and my siblings. They took care of me, raise me but why am i ended up like this? Not to brag but i have a 3.6 cgpa in my semester, i did great in my school, active in sports sometimes and also have enough close friends to hang out with. But why do i feel like it's not enough? I feel empty, nothing satisfy me anymore. I even rejected every man because of how i always break them again and again.

It's unfair to me too that i did a great job in the world but do i feel like something missing? I have faith in God for anything. I thought of everything, up until i thought of to end up dead.

Man i'm typing this shit in like 1:42 AM on Sunday and i'm not even joking anymore. I don't care if anyone would read this. I just want to let it out for this once, and really i feel a bit better like this, wventhough i know something definately is wrong with me.

I hate myself, my life and my favourite stuff. I WANT TO FUCKING DIE OKAY.

I doubt that people around me will love me. I'm gonna state my own problems here:

I'm selfish when it comes to my personal belongings

I don't do SH because i love my own skin and don't want to have a scar on my skin. The reason is that i wonmt myself more if i don't it. Sorry to the people who do SH. Hope you guys doong well.

I'm complicated.

I day dream a lot which concerning my safety

Also, people call me a clean freak. Yes i'm aware of this symptom long time ago but i thought i just like things clean, hntil they pounted it out.

And lastly if i want to die, let me die instantly.

I know that the last part might scare most of you guys but again i doubt that people would read this at this point. I still not sure of what or why am i thinking like this. I'm still confuse and lost. And it's been like idk maybe around like 7 years ago.

People say that if you dont remember much from your childhood it means that there are memories that are meant to be kept from you and will never ever be pry for you to know.

At first i thought it was bullshit, it was a myth and you know how the internet all tiktoks and twitter do their stuff. But one day, i remembered something from my childhood which i really I MEAN REALLY DONT WANT TO REMEMBER AND IT KEEPS REPLAYING IN MY MIND. It was recently when i remmebered it and yeah at that pount i really wanted to die on the spot. IT WAS DISGUSTING, HORROR AND DEFINATELY NOT WORTH TO REMEMBER.

I'm fine now, think i might have closure from it. It's 2:04 AM on Monday mornighg and i couldn't sleep. I'm not sure if it a habit or not, but if i sleep early in like 9pm i would wake up 4 hours later and could sleep back after. That's why i have to sleep around 3-5 in the morning just to wake up 4 hours later. It's like a stupid time set and not sure if it's a problem to anyone or is it just me?

Dearself, i'm writing this as a suicidal note, but instead i spit some bullshit. Anyways, if i ever coming back to this account again and read this in like idk maybe 5 or more years later, i promise to repost this and pribably tried to debunk all my wishes with my success amd see if i had gone really far.

This post is not for anyone but myself, no intention to trigger anyone because the main problem is between me and myself only. So shut up okay.