Auntie Bonds

Whether the purpose is the position of the stars, or the environment I was raised in.... I have never stopped micro/macro managing myself. From “Is my laugh too loud?” to “Is this evidence of abandonment issues?”- I can’t seem to live outside of the what-ifs and potential life consequences that todays smallest decisions may cause 27 years down the line. Ironically, even the fact that I over manage myself causes my eyebrows to burrow, and my skin to crawl. Maybe I need to control too much? Is this something that will get worse? Will my future children think I’m a nut job? Will they also over manage? Will they like themselves? Do I like myself? Do I know myself?  But the main question I ask myself is:

“When will I self-improve enough to be at peace with myself?”

Average:

I’m your average girl. Average height. Average build. Average BMI..actually I’m pretty sure every test I’ve ever taken I’ve been average at. I got average grades and every hobby I’ve attempted, I’ve been average. Not too good...not too bad...just average. “Woe is me...I’m not special” Yes. I’ve felt this way for the longest. I would compare stories with other people to see if in some way different. “In high school, I took psychology and it just spoke to me” and then they’d reply (way to enthusiastically for my withering pride) “OMG me too! Blah blah blah.” I even strategically majored in Criminal Justice in college only to find out that it’s literally EVERYONE’S major (and that cops and the justice system are trash...but that's not the purpose of this piece). Needless to say I always came back with the same answer...I’m average in everything.

I became aware of my “average-esque” early on and battled with it...choosing not to accept my place in the balance of things. I grew up in the beginning phases of the “Everybody’s a Winner” era and participation awards… so when I actually started ‘losing’ in comparison to everyone else, I internalized that I was the one losing. I mistook my ego driven desire for individuality for a passion in poetry, music, and then drums, and then sports, photography, and then- you get the idea. I’m not bad at any of the above things… I’m simply not amazing, which hurt my pride for the longest time. How do I come to terms with being average? It’s such a taboo. You’re suppose to strive to be special, right?

Before I could come to terms with being average, I realized I only invested energy in many of the above hobbies because OTHER people complimented me on my ablility to do them without completely fucking up. I also realized that my definition of success was extremely skewed and based off consumerism and societal exposure to and in those areas (conversation for another day). None of them focused on my happiness, and with that mindset I realized I would never be truly satisfied and never actually successful (internally, not just externally). Of course I still carry around that weight in my stomach that reminds me to push, and work hard at whatever I put my mind too, but now happiness is the priority. And my averageness was, in fact, the universe telling me to humble myself so that I could finally be happy.

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Okay, was the purpose of this article to showcase self pity and/or encourage individuals to settle? Neither. Instead it was to shed light and emphasis on a cliché phrase. You are your own worst enemy. Sometimes we are the ones pushing ourselves...not passion, not ambition, not eagerness, just your ego and excessive amounts of greed. Greed is like salt. Add a little to your vision and it's just a dream. And too much and it’s gluttony… but with just the right amount we get motivation that makes any vision worth the journey. Throw yourself at what you enjoy and prioritize your happiness. Whatever it is may be outside your job or career field, and that's perfectly fine. The important part is that you are the source of your inspiration.