welcome to my thoughts

When time flies and opportunities that came along...

Today, it will be my 3rd year working here in United Arab Emirates. Until now there is a part of me that still can’t believe that I am here as an OFW, which I have never ever imagined being one before. Being here was just actually out of spontaneity. I was having a semi quarter life crisis (Now it feels semi but back then I’m like depressed, burned out, confused, emo dude) and I feel like I needed to get out, I needed to do something or be somewhere new. I admit sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, that someone back there in the Philippines who has family to support and concrete dreams to achieve, deserves more to be here. Of course I brushed off that thought right away and tell myself I deserve good things. I may be fortunate enough to have a comfortable life back home but I also worked hard for it. I worked hard to be here as well, I deserve it too. Everyone gets their own chances, Yes, kahit yung mga salat at hirap sa buhay, It’s just that most of us are easily blinded of our own fears, inhibitions and most of all our insecurities. I myself can attest to that. I have fair share of missed and wasted opportunities because of my pessimistic mindset which rooted from my insecurities. Pano pa kaya yung mga less fortunate who doesn’t have enough resources and strong support system from their environment and family. I’m just glad that that day I chose to take risk and brushed all my fears off. I wouldn’t make it through without a couple of prayers here and there and being at peace with the thought of “LET GOD BE IN CONTROL”. So yeah! I’m here! and I have a long way ahead to take. 

PS:

So I recently purchased this camera cause I've been interested to instant photography lately. I've been watching video tutorials, product reviews, and unboxing videos of this camera during the lockdown period and I being on forced leave. When I got called back to work (yep! I got called back thats why I've been busy lately and haven't posted anything here contrary to what I've planned before) I immediately planned to buy this. I know at this time and current affairs it is not practical to buy such stuff. It's impractical! A lot of people lose their jobs, getting by through government financial assistance and other charity works. But for me, that camera isn't just a result of compulsive buying, or being "MALUHO". For me it was a reward, a self reward for all the things I was struggling into during this lockdown period. I felt my mental state was deteriorating during the lockdown period especially when I didn't got called back to work right away when my workplace resumes operations. I can feel I'm starting to spiral downwards. I'm far away from my family and my friends are also struggling because of the pandemic. I told to myself if I survive this I will really reward myself. And that was this camera.

Unfortunately, my brother saw it and he didn't like it. He told me I have camera already why I bought a new one. He didn't say much after that but from his tone and expression you could really feel what he really wants to say. I couldn't tell him why and how that camera meant to me. I know he wouldn't understand. I'm totally aware that it's impractical given with all the happenings now. I'm just trying to find something to be happy about, be hopeful about and look forward to. Others may think, isn't being healthy and not infected by the virus enough to be happy. I am! I am thankful. But those who are healthy were mentally vulnerable because they are confined to their homes for a long time. They are able and yet they can't do anything or go around at least. It's hard to explain to others since I rarely talk about these kind of stuff to my family and friends. They always think I'm strong enough and emotionally stable. Maybe I am but I do get these kinds of moments and I will deal it the way I know how.

Adulting...

When I was young all I wanted is to become an adult. Earn my own money and buy the things I want. Expand my environment and meet people. Have many friends and be free to choose a partner. To build my own life basically. But, as I grow older, I realized being an adult is exhausting. It consumes you. It breaks your soul. Earning money became an endless routinary job, because money is security. Expanding your environment became bunch of meeting friends who will leave you when they don’t need you or hookups you always regret the next day. Building a life became hoarding things you forced yourself to like to show to other people that you made it, That you are successful.

Adulting is sad. it’s lonely. it’s complicated. It forces you to love and hate a piece of paper called money. You become distrustful of the people around you and yet, you try to please them in every possible way fearing that you will be outcasted. You sought happiness over material things, going to different places, be with group of friends or a partner yet there is still that pang of loneliness and doubt inside you. Certainly material things go, places develops, but these people you have connection with, shared unforgettable moments, been intimate with, you’re not sure about them. So you shove your guilt of feeling those emotions and having those thoughts by decorating yourself with lavish things, pleasing people around you and making yourself believe those are just silly thoughts. You doubted and didn’t believe your instincts - yourself! 

Shitty People...

A sad reality of being an adult is meeting Shitty People, and if the cosmos decided you are not unfortunate enough yet by seeing them, you will actually get one as a friend. It sucks for someone like me who treasure friendships. I keep my circles small because I avoid unnecessary dramas and the possibility of involving myself with toxic friends. Unfortunately, no matter how much I tried to avoid these kind of people, one or two slips into my life and it’s late for me to find out that they are that shitty friend I’d like to avoid with all my energy. Just like what happened recently... I won’t go into details about how bad she made me feel as I’d prefer to spare myself from discussing such pathetic stuffs. Anyways, I bravely said my thoughts to her. I bravely told her I was disappointed and hurt. Now, It’s up to her to make up for it or just let it and be that “Shitty Friend” she was, as for me I’m moving on. 

This is not really the first I’ve experience this. I’ve had a couple of people who were used to be good friends of mine then, one day we just stopped connecting with each other. I used to think, “oh we grew apart.” or “May He / She was just a phase” or “People come and go”. With all the time we have now, one of the things I’ve thought about is my relationship with my friends. The strength of my connection to them. I reached out to them, ask them how they are, most of them despite of busy schedules and what’s going on, replied and I still felt the warmness of our friendship. Others were... you can feel the distance, But I still appreciated that they still replied. Somehow I took it as a sign that they are still open to be friends and everything will boot up over a nice long catch up. Then, there are these people you’ve hangout frequently and yet they still got the guts to take you for granted. So narcissistic. So selfish. such a user. It’s frustrating! and it makes me even more frustrated cause thoughts of blaming myself are occuring. Why I even blame myself? what the hell!

A moment of uncertainty...

I didn't expect that I will be on hiatus (just using some fancy word instead of my "no work, no pay" work situation currently. Blog eh! Vocabulary dapat! Haha!) For so long. At first, I thought it would only be for 2 months then it got extended for 15 days, then now it got extended for 2 more months. The lockdown here in UAE were lifted already and yet, most of the companies deployed 50% of their manpower only. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of the few staffs who got called to work right away. Having no source of income is a nightmare for an OFW like me. In fact, I can still consider myself lucky cause I'm not supporting anyone back home and I got my savings, but like most OFWs here who are supporting their families personal savings is their least priority.

This current situation has made me realize that nothing is permanent - especially if you are an OFW. Yes, you earn big salary. You get to support your family and afford luxury at the same time. But, it can go in just a snap and reality will slap you the truth that you are permanent here. That one day you will have to go back to where you came from whether you chosed it or by force. I was able to save money naman. Its just sad cause there's a lot of thing I want to do pa but I guess, I will be forced to decide to go home.

27 life updates

1. It's 4:03 in the morning. I can't sleep. I suddenly opened my tumblr account and decided to post something. It's been years since I posted something here. Hello tumblr!

2. I'm 27 years olds now, hence the 27 life updates title. Hahah! Over the past few years a lot of things happened which made me busy and drifted away from blogging.

3. I graduated college last 2014. I almost bagged a Cum laude title but I got a 2.50 grade in one of my freshmen year subject. Well I still graduated!

4. I pursued a career in Fashion Retail and not in Hospitality. Haha! But before that I tried a career in BPO but wasn't happy about it so I left after a month. Became jobless for about 6 months before I landed a job in an apparel brand. AEO!

5. I loved my job! I learned a lot. I met a lot of people. Work with different people. Challenging but rewarding. I got regular in less than 6 months, then got promoted a year later.

6. Ex contact me one day. We tried rekindling the romance but ex didn't feel the same anymore. Sad. But that's life.

7. Being a young manager is exhausting. Too much responsibility. Too much pressure. Lots of work. I got busy and lost touch with some of my friends. I missed a lot of get togethers.

8. I got burned out. I decided to leave. Decided to enroll for MBA. But then again, I pursued something else.

9. Yep! I'm going abroad. I have never imagine becoming an OFW, and yet here I am. Haha. UAE here I come!

10. Home sickness is real! Damn! I thought I won't get affected by it since I am used being away and not seeing my family. But this one is different. The thought of being miles miles miles away from your family and friends and you can't go home anytime you want is scary and lonely. Suffered it for almost 6 months.

11. Work condition here is way better than my previous one back home. Everything is just chill. Simple and fast. But my workmates are all challenging. Almost perfect na sana!

12. Random! I finally learned how to buy gold in gold souq. And by buying means making tawad-tawad to kuyang indiano. Hahah! Hard bargaining ang kailangan! Mama this is for you!

13. Met a lot of people and races. Experienced different kinds of culture. Heard a lot of different stories. Misconceptions and stereotypes of one nationality to another nationality. Some are offensive but mostly are funny. Haha!

14. Discrimination is real. And it's not only in the color of skin. The way some nationalities are given limited job opportunities compare to other nationalities. Or the amount of salary being offered to a particular nationality over the other nationalities. It's sad.

15. Experienced hard life first hand. Being an OFW is really hard! Your values and principles will be tested.

16. Learned different cultures and religion. I learned things about Islam, such a great religion.

17. Had my own place. It's little but it's nice. I bought my own things. Paid my own bills and food and everything. Lakas makaadult lang! Haha

18. On my second year at work I went home for vacation. Then I travelled to singapore alone as gift to myself for my hardwork over the past few years. Super fun. Met some old friends back from college din. I should travel more!

19. I'm still into photography. And on my 26th birthday I bought my first ever DSLR! Haha!

20. Faye and kath are still my main hommies. I love you girls! JAPAN 2022 wohooo!

21. I developed a hobby of collecting perfumes! In less than a year I get to collect 15 perfumes and I'm planning to buy more. Haha

22. COVID-19 became a pandemic. This sucks!

23. Was on forced leave for about 4 months now because of the pandemic. A lot has change this year. Lots of my plans got delayed or I have to change.

24. Thank God my family and friends are all COVID negative. Health is wealth talaga sa panahon ngayon.

25. I'm planning to resign and just go back home. I miss my family and friends.

26. I dont have lovelife. Hahah! Not really bothered. I'm actually more bothered on the thought that I am not bothered at all. Ohh!