Adulting...

When I was young all I wanted is to become an adult. Earn my own money and buy the things I want. Expand my environment and meet people. Have many friends and be free to choose a partner. To build my own life basically. But, as I grow older, I realized being an adult is exhausting. It consumes you. It breaks your soul. Earning money became an endless routinary job, because money is security. Expanding your environment became bunch of meeting friends who will leave you when they don’t need you or hookups you always regret the next day. Building a life became hoarding things you forced yourself to like to show to other people that you made it, That you are successful.

Adulting is sad. it’s lonely. it’s complicated. It forces you to love and hate a piece of paper called money. You become distrustful of the people around you and yet, you try to please them in every possible way fearing that you will be outcasted. You sought happiness over material things, going to different places, be with group of friends or a partner yet there is still that pang of loneliness and doubt inside you. Certainly material things go, places develops, but these people you have connection with, shared unforgettable moments, been intimate with, you’re not sure about them. So you shove your guilt of feeling those emotions and having those thoughts by decorating yourself with lavish things, pleasing people around you and making yourself believe those are just silly thoughts. You doubted and didn’t believe your instincts - yourself!