WHERE THE F**K ARE WE?

The Arctic Cold War is heating up! Last Christmas, it was Canada that went all Reindeer Games and shamelessly claimed the North Pole as its own. This year, it’s another quiet, unassuming northern nation that’s trying to get its hands on 30 per cent of the world’s untapped gas and the world’s most famous toy factory (we all know what this is really about). Denmark has just filed an official claim to the North Pole with the United Nations. 

Meanwhile, Mother Russia has also staked a claim and just happened to open a brand new Arctic military command center two weeks ago.

Good luck to the UN Panel tasked with sorting out this hot mess in a cold dress. Let’s hope the ending is a little less “Dr. Strangelove” and a little more “Spies Like Us”!

Thanks to everyone's favorite autocrat sexy-guy Vladimir Putin, the APEC summit in Beijing is turning into the most awkward place outside a seventh-grade dance. When he isn't getting handsy with China's first lady, the Russian leader is awkwardly trying to put the moves on Barack Obama. While everyone else is talking international trade and security, looks like Eastern Europe's greatest menace is just out lookin' for love.  

There's perhaps no one more enamored with Vladimir Putin than Vladimir Putin himself. Small wonder, then, that an art exhibition to mark his birthday was a series of paintings of the Russian leader as the Greek god Hercules, battling the world's scourges: terrorism! corruption! Canada! Wait, what?

How do you respond to charges of anti-semitism at a mayoral debate hosted by the "United Jewish Appeal Federation of Greater Toronto and the Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs"?  If you're Doug Ford, you just list off a bunch of Jews you know.  Jews like your doctor, lawyer, dentist, and accountant... 

Shockingly, the crowd of roughly 600 Jews in attendance booed the would-be mayor, but to smooth things over, Doug made it clear that he's totally cool with the Jewish community because his wife is Jewish.  Sort of.  Maybe. :

When told of documents that identify her maternal grandparents as Christians, Doug Ford suggested they had concealed their identities to protect themselves from anti-Semites.

“Do you understand the persecution they went through?” he said. “Do you think I’d make this up?”

He said: “Let me be very clear. Her grandparents were Jewish. They left an area, they were being persecuted. They came over here. I never said they were practicing the Jewish faith. Her mother didn’t practice the Jewish faith, and neither did my wife. But the bloodlines, as I told you right from day one, I never misled you, her parents, grandparents were Jewish. And I’m not going to make a big deal about it and that’s it.”

President Dilma Rousseff couldn't snag the majority she needed to stay in power after this weekend's elections and will face a runoff later this month, even though one rival candidate's wealth alienates him from many Brazilian voters, she eviscerated another rival with the most negative and aggressive campaigning Brazil's democracy has ever seen, and another rival, well... DIED!

Tongues wagged north of the border today when Justin Trudeau -- leader of the Liberal Party, not to mention all of Canada's polls a year out from an election -- joked about the country's role in Iraq fighting Islamic State terrorists. As the country considers a combat mission, Trudeau suggested humanitarian aid is the way to go, adding that Canada shouldn't "whip out our CF-18s just to show how big they are."

News out of North Korea this week is that its young despot, Kim Jong Un, is so fat that he's fractured his ankles. Apparently, while millions of his citizens starve, Dear Leader has grown obese on booze and imported mozzarella.

Ask Mikheil Saakashvili what happens when you mess with Vladimir Putin. You get exiled to a bitter place filled with the most despicable people on Earth: Williamsburg.

For Venezuelan women, there's one rule when it comes to breasts: the bigger, the better. So a nationwide panic has set in amidst a shortage of silicone implants from the United States. The problem has gotten so big (nudge nudge, wink wink) that desperate women are turning to cheaper, less-safe implants from China and - even more dangerous - Craigslist.  

The words “Malaysia Airlines” have become synonymous with tragedy, heartbreak, awful crisis management, and an utter lack of basic human decency. But the airline hit a new low this week with a ticket giveaway contest that asked potential passengers which destinations are on their bucket list. Yes, you read that correctly. Malaysia Airlines asked people where they want to fly before they die. You know what isn’t on anyone’s bucket list? Flying Malaysia Airlines!

Like so many other kids grasping for the last moments of summer, Toronto mayor Rob Ford set up a stand outside his mom's house and sold stuff to passersby.  (And yes, his Mom's house is indeed ten minutes from where Kevin grew up.)  But the city's chief magistrate wasn't selling lemonade.  Or crack.  He was selling his own bobblehead -- the "Robbie Bobbie," as he (and his mom) call it.  We've gotta say, Ford looks great as a bobblehead.  Nice suit and tie, wearing the chain of office, no pipe. Mr. Ford, we here at WTFAW see a bright future for you.  As a bobblehead.  Maybe Robbie Bobbie should be the one running in October's election. 

And for all of you desk jockeys returning to work after the long weekend, ole RoFo bets you're not having as much as he did on the last day of city council meetings before the weekend. Are you dancing and singing reggae at your desk?  Didn't think so.

Russia has savagely counter-attacked Canada in what history is now calling The Russo-Canadian Twitter Geography War of August 27 and 28. Russia's permanent mission to NATO posted the following:

Helping our Canadian colleagues to catch up with contemporary geography of #Europe @CanadaNATO pic.twitter.com/MjzRxpFFfN

— Russians at NATO (@natomission_ru)

August 28, 2014

We’ve told you before about Canada’s ongoing Cold War with Russia over the North Pole. Well, Canada has opened a new front. Canadians may be known around the world for being polite, polite, and more polite (right Kevin?), but the Canadian delegation to NATO is mad as hell at Vladimir Putin and they’ve unleashed a vicious counterattack involving Twitter, a map, and a geography lesson. After a Russian military spokesperson said that Russian soldiers had “accidentally”crossed into Ukraine, the Canadian delegation took to their official Twitter account to send Putin a helpful map illustrating his country’s borders.

Geography can be tough. Here’s a guide for Russian soldiers who keep getting lost & ‘accidentally’ entering #Ukraine pic.twitter.com/RF3H4IXGSp

— Canada at NATO (@CanadaNATO)

August 27, 2014

Sources tell us Canada’s next strike may be on Facebook, possibly with a status update declaring Santa’s hometown to be “Canada.”

As they say, don’t mess with Texas. And don’t f**k with Canada over disputed borders!