Some poems

when I'm with her, I take sugar in my tea

she stirs me up and I desolve into her arms

giving us a velvet texture

she breathes softly next to me,

Letting the melatonin tuck her in.

I might just join her,

Something deep in me that succumbs to apathy.

or perhaps like a child with no sense of permanence.

nothing nothing

i have it all but who even cares

if i cannot see it

And I hope they yearn

God knows I did.

There's nothing like the night to do that.

I've never met anyone like you.

I always try to believe over all that.

But you're the best thing I've ever lost.

I wonder if you remember it.

But I was always one to do that.

Do you even remember what I did for you?

I know when you saw me you felt sick inside.

Even if you couldn't remember why.

And I hope that when people ask you about about finding yourself you think of me.

I hope you still have my clothes

I hope you still have my skirt

I gave you my favorite one

I hope you remember telling me how you felt

I hope you remember my hands in your hair

I hope you can remember all the thank yous and the sorrys and what you begged me to call you late at night.

But now you're just another death.

I'm so jealous

I wish you'd have talked to me.

I wish I got more than the briefest eye contact.

I prayed to God.

Begged him.

Begged him for you back.

Just for a few words.

Maybe even a hug.

I begged God for you.

I can't even say it's the first time.

And after that it only got worse.

So what can I say.

I wish.

I wish you remembered who I was for you.

I know you want to be what I need.

To talk it out and fix it somehow

It's only ever me in here

But I needed the quiet

And the night air

I need to be alone.

Because it comes out slowly

Words like drops of tar

Too slow to sry into words

And how could I look into your eyes and say anything at all.

How can I tell you how I feel if I don't even know.

But it is inseparable from me.

My brand! I cry,

Red is the color of flesh.

Red is the color of love.

Red is the color of the sky when it is the most beautiful.

Orange is my favorite color.

Orange isn't the color of anything.

Did you know that blood is red with an orange tone.

Blood is red.

Red is the life in my veins.

Red is a warning.

Someone will take me on a walk but I always end up trapped here.

This prisons the only place I can truly rest

So I try to keep moving.

I try to settle in a home that is not mine but I can feel their eyes on me.

I move on from place to place but I tire.

And I must return to nest where it's safe.

These metal iron bars keep me safe.

They keep me in.

And because my joints ache and my legs give up

I watch as they all run off.

And leave me behind.

In this sorry safe prison.

And I try

To catch up.

But they won't let me out.

They don't want to save me.

They don't even

I'm so close

I'm so far

I'm a child

I'm an adult

I don't need anyone.

I need everyone.

I'm trapped in a screen

I'm trapped in these walls

I'm sick

I'm alone

Let me out.

They won't let me out.

I'm rotting here.

I'll die here helpless

They don't know what it's like.

Having hands that are weak.

Hands that haven't practiced.

Hands that can't let me out.

I'm trapped in this screen.

I can't get out.

They don't get that I'm losing myself in here.

They don't get that I'm wasting away.

They don't understand I'm stuck here.

I'm sick.

I don't sleep

I don't shower

I don't think

I don't grieve.

I'm incased in this screen

And I'll laugh and tell you that nothing has ever been wrong.

But I'm wasting away here.

And soon you won't see me in the screen.

The mold will over take me.

I pass the time with fantastical words.

Numb my mind in a fiction far away.

Drowning myself with words and stories.

The window is covered up but it can't drown out the birds or the shame they draw.

The ache in my head longs to rest along its walls but I do not tire.

I itch and I rot unlit until morning.

And then seek to be clean.

The horrible need to be new takes me.

I bask in rich oils and fragrance,

I remove my cross my ring, freeing myself of the feeling on my skin.

Did you stay awake all night? She hisses

She couldn't understand.

I retreat into the watery outdoors to see the sky.

I smell the wet wood and grass.

I watch a deer.

Say a prayer

Identify identity

Who are you?

That's not someone I know,

Who are you

In the way you can feel the water in the fog

It's there

Only barely

Far away

I saw so clearly someone I had been in them

So I'll write a retrospective (messy and sleep deprived.)

On my first sapphicc relationship

They loded the gun in 2022 and shot it a few times over the years.

One two three four years away from the gun and I can say

It wasn't all bad, being in love.

A new thrill to explore.

And then I rembered

Not to say

To write

To fold

Like a child

Imagery musent.

Face? No

Paint it.

Not to contain a

Pathogen

Prehaps birds don't really fly

Are there even birds?

And you don't-

Speak without

A care

Sucubmb

I must

Renew this

To be