writing in spirals

Yes here I am looking at my future, as many other people do when life just isn’t satisfactory enough. When expectations are above their current accomplishments. 

No matter how high I get I will never take the world sober.

We live in a golden age, where pot is almost legal and doctors can cure you, yet all I want is a fucking VR headset so I can pretend I’m receiving head instead of jacking myself with a fleshlight that I don’t even own yet. 

My parents support my every whim because my younger brother is a douchey manchild yet I can’t help but feel like a failure. My brother thinks he’s a winner, that fukn’ douche.

I fix bikes all day and bitch about my co-workers when really I should be bitching about cyclists and fixing grammar errors in research reports. 

I dropped acid instead of thinking about my future, cause even if I had a bright future that light wouldn’t look as shiny as with a stable research gig where I get to be creative and people look at me in envy (fuck yeah).

Spring is coming in a week and I need to get my cyclocross bike ready. I’m getting a TREK boone just like all my fucking co-workers. Yay we stand united under loneliness! Everyone works so hard cause we all have no friends!

You wanna feel safe? Go to lecture one day and realize research in the social sciences is a fucking joke due to the methodological flaws of the scientific dogma. If psychology isn’t physics why do we use the same research methods? YOU JUST CAN’T REPLICATE PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION THE WAY YOU CAN A CHEMICAL REACTION, PEOPLE ARE TOO COMPLEX. 

Maybe people aren’t complex, maybe manipulating people so that the exact same behaviour occurs is a complex and unlikely occurance. 

Yo fuck school fam, I’m just gunna be a chef in china town for the rest of my goddamn life. No, because you are a goddamn person who has potential and can pay the bills in other ways, and you’re a privileged white dude who just can’t throw away that privilege to be a fucking nigger chef. You can’t! You’re daddy has so much goddamn money and he is too much of a hippie poser to spend it on himself and instead makes you go to a school you chose because it looked like you’d find LSD there pretty easily. The majour you picked was the hardest one you qualified for, because when that hot asian chick in class pity-asked you where you’re going after high school you wanted to sound like you had a goddamn chance to fuck her in 5-10 years cause you’d look hotter wearing intellectual success!

-okay on that last one replace chef with bike mechanic. chef just sounded more slave like at the time.... especially in chinatown ghetto.

YO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DESK JOB

Do you wanna feel safe? go to any workplace and there’s atleast one dude with an english degree that did fucking nothing with it. “it’s just about the learning experience” NO DUDE YOU FUCKED UP IN LIFE SOMEWHERE, PROBABLY WHEN YOU CHOSE LIBERAL ARTS. 

There’s no easy way to kill yourself and it’s hard to sleep when you want to kill yourself.

I’ve been stressed for years, fucking years, when does childhood start back up again? I thought beer would do that, now I feel older than ever.

As I smoked my last cigarette in my pack after the holidays I wondered if I was going to become bitter of this winter. I have more friends and more good experiences under my belt yet I cannot stop feeling lonely and isolated as friends eventually need to say no to hanging out. I understand of course but unfortunately that is not enough. I can’t just understand my way out of feeling lonely. 

I read, I write, and I learn about what, why, and how one becomes alone with no one else but themselves but the solution to loneliness does not become realized. Sure we can coop with marijuana or other material things but there is nothing experiential in terms of a permanent solution that is available to humanity that solves loneliness. Personally I ride my bicycle when I feel alone but it’s never enough. One must buy food for example or seek assistance in maintenance of a bicycle and then the attachment to the material or the experience of righteous solitude is interrupted.

I often don't keep promises I make. I may tell you what you want to hear, but at the end of the day the only reason I make decisions of any kind is to benefit myself. Take my volunteer work, I used to volunteer at free geek toronto, and I am currently volunteering at B!ke. I may enjoy helping people at B!ke today, but to be honest it's just to enrich myself with new bike related knowledge. That may not be too evil, but I think it should be made clear if I say I volunteer. It's just not from the goodness of my heart.

I also don't keep promises in relationships. I've never cheated, but at the same time I still feel like I deserve free will until atleast a month. If you want me to quit any habits, you'd better make up a good reason because I'm not "changing" for anyone just because of initial attraction. Is what I'm asking irregular, or do I just date crazies?

Most days I smoke weed. It sucks, I try to quit but to be completely honest why bother living a sober life? I do moderate myself, and I think I can manage any emotional problems enough to not just burn out. But every month or two I say I'm quitting, which of course never happens. This time however I am actually am out of weed, so lets see where that takes me.

Other promises I make to myself are typically in two parts; A goal I will actually make and then a promise that compliments that goal but will become unlikely. "I'll climb this mountain but I won't tell anybody I did it." "I'll dress nice today and I'll talk to my crush of the week." The self lies continue. 

Too much of anything can be well, too much. But sometimes you have no choice. Take some studying I had to do yesterday. I woke up, started reading, ate, read, ate, read then ate, then finally read (finished) then went to bed. I wanted to do this though, I like reading, but even more so I like not hanging out with my roommate who can get pretty annoying if he gets bored. The concept of the information marathon is scientifically speaking unproductive and exhausting in contrast to just spacing a task out over the course of a couple days. Memory simply does not consolidate better when it’s just a larger mass. And you eventually become worn out simply by reading too much.

  But the event as a whole made me feel cool. I found it similar to bicycle touring (something I’ve only done once or twice mind you), in that you really don’t have another choice (I was quizzed very shortly after the reading) so one must push themselves to survive.

  I plan on reading all day again, just to see if I do better the next time. Mind you I’m a pretty slow reader so improvement would be very much welcomed. For the record I was hammering out a reading in psychology, something I normally do throughout the week. It’s embracing to say but it’s only 40 pages (I know, I know) but the depth that this book goes into, and the notes I take (which are essentially ¼ of whatever I’m reading) makes the reading process very slow and not all that exciting. I also make sure to check if I know everything in that chapter, as although I could get a nice wholesome mark regardless of my redundant notes I prefer to have a firm understanding just for personal gain to use outside of school.

  Am I a tool because of this? Oh you bet I am, but I don’t do this with any other class. Most classes I am essentially doing the satisfactory amount, sure I’m committed to a good mark but that doesn’t mean I’m going to commit a whole day to it.

  With Marathons or “Long hauls” we test our limits, especially our endurance. When I view my body (as oppose to my conscious, or the social identity my friends know me as) I see a vessel. An external being that is simply bending to my free will (or as much as possible, given our genetic makeup) that can achieve any practical goal my conscious decides to focus on. I’m sure there are philosophers that have talked about this, but lets say I can’t remember the exact concept of the “ghost in the machine” because that theory doesn’t account for our innate psychological tendencies/needs (I think, I can’t really remember) but I digress (because I’m certainly wrong here). Tests show our boundaries that we didn’t know we had. I survived reading, recording, and reviewing, boring content all day, what can I do to further test my abilities? Do I do it for a week? What practical applications does this boundary have? Is it psychological my endurance or more so physical?

Today I got rejected. I had such a vivid picture of it going well, but unfortunately sometimes dreams don’t come true. I’ll admit I’m pretty full of myself, and when the world doesn’t go according to Cameron it can be a pretty rude awakening. It’s one thing to take it personally when some one doesn’t reciprocate interest, but another when your whole view of the world goes from perfectly straight forward to absolute uncertainty. Perhaps approaching her was a bad idea, it’s a personal preference of mine to enjoy blissful ignorance over regret in the long run.

  Did I make a mistake? I think what I did was a learning experience; it was the result of a miss communication, and an exercise to coop with embracement in retrospect. But at the short moments after being rejected the regret was all too real. We’ve all felt it, the disappointment, the shrinking of the ego, and then the “constructive” criticisms that follow afterward.

  As a child I often enjoyed reading Charlie Brown, specifically the early stuff (the 70’s snoopy is too childish/cartoony for me) the utter resilience Charlie Brown had always fascinated me as to why this kid never changed. It should be said that psychologically analyzing a fictional character never actually gives insight into the human condition, but it’s always nice to look when you’re a kid, trying to make sense of the world.

I would call pop music the opiate of the masses if Karl Marx didn’t use it to describe religion in the mid 1800’s. Perhaps it’s my inherit non-conformist attitude (a characteristic of myself you’ll notice frequently) but there is nothing more annoying to me then an opinion of art that is purely based off the fact that “everyone else is doing it”. Yeah, I’m a hypocrite; we all conform along side our opiate high brethren. Am I saying I hate “We can’t stop” by Miley Cyrus? Sort of, I do actually like it, and I do sort of enjoy Blurred Lines. I’m not a purist, but I think I enjoy music from a perspective that is more critical then most music consumers (said the hypocrite snob).

  But what are most consumers? Am I saying my taste is “better” or “worse” then a bunch of 13 year old girls on VEVO? In a way, it is true that VEVO is the medium most net savvy individuals discover music to those who don’t like reading. Perhaps my feeling of superiority is purely based off the fact that I am almost actively looking for music. I’m open to new genres, and scenes and I don’t really appreciate what is considered universally appreciated by most people because those artists are playing it safe.

  When artists “play the hits” I don’t appreciate what their doing to smaller artists. Am I saying all artists should starve? No, what I’m saying is where pop music artists (artists who play the hits) are being displayed is a non-accurate representation of all music artists.

The headshop is an interesting place. As an under age customer I was pleasantly surprised to be allowed access into such a legally-grey area of foggy exploration. I would say that although I consider myself a very mature person in comparison to my peers I think any responsible up tight person would agree with me that I shouldn’t even need to go into a head shop.

  Regardless of the police raids that happen yearly to monthly (location depending) on these places, I really want a job their. How can someone possibly become so lucky? My clerk was an attractive aged Brazilian woman (she had a 19 year old daughter which was shocking based off her appearance). A group of maybe 4 baked men started hitting on her right at the shop, I guess she was fine with it though (she seemed to be too familiar with politely taking a compliment).

  I asked her about what salvia was like and it became clear that she was too high to answer questions. The vaporizers I wanted to browse were out of stock, so I just bought some joint papers and left. Over all it was a cool experience and I will be heading over again later in the week just to pick up a vaporizer.

  What can I get in a headshop that I can’t get online? Nothing, but by entering a headshop I now get to witness adult drug culture, something I have never witnessed first hand. For example, I know my dad smokes weed from ‘time to time’ but I can’t picture a father of two acting like a child and smoking a joint. Yes, everyone deserves to kick back, but why is it always with alcohol? (if anything)

  Certain research in psychology suggests that pot can modify behavior and make you a less motivated person. Depression and anxiety are also associated with excessive pot use. Although weed is not addictive, it’s safe to say that the emotional dependency of weed is sometimes overwhelming. The concept of ever having any fun without weed is although possible for some heavy users is hard to grasp for most. Alcohol is of course, as we all know harmful to your health as well. It kills brain cells and is ‘technically’ poison, that is to say if you drink too much your body needs to get rid of it one way or another.

  Weed is a very interesting topic to look at culturally in the west. Most American teens have admitted to smoking pot, in Canada 40% have been said to have done it regularly (NOT daily to clarify). These rates would make sense where pot is legal, and an age restriction is put on marijuana, but it isn’t. I guess this sort of explains the pot taboo, weed just isn’t talked about the same way alcohol is. There is some stigma attached to weed because it’s resistance by law enforcement, but it’s safe to say that if you’re prone to take juvenile risks when you were a teen, you have probably smoked marijuana.

  This point has been brought up many times in discussions about drug laws outside of the House of Commons, but why has no one yet broken the ice and picked a side on weed reform that isn’t the status quo until recent? Personal speculation would suggest that adding any illegal drug discourse that is the least bit sympathetic is political suicide. The Liberal Party of Canada however seems to have gotten away with it, their explanation is that innocent youths should not ruin their future because of a criminal record just based off a drug charge.