wordsofknotuself

Tuesday 2.22.22 

It’s the little things in life that brighten up my day. I need to spend more time focusing on those moments. Worrying about something that may not even happen, well is it worth it? My mind lately has been feeling this way, but I need to remind myself the little things. 

Last weekend, I found myself in a place full of life, color, and sound. The simple act of looking up and walking around the streets with my phone away, I felt at peace (ironically- considering how loud the area was). It’s been awhile since I caught myself just in the moment, taking in all the colors and life around me. The smell of the pizza, watching the cheese fall off and the grease drip, my tummy felt so happy. Hearing laughters, the lottery machines go off, cups clinking, chips shuffling- all these sounds danced together so harmoniously that it brought everything to life for me. For a moment, nothing else mattered. My worries, the stressful event that had been occurring not too long ago... it all washed away. It was a time where I truly was... in the moment. 

Today, on this beautiful Sunday, I decided to dedicate today to just be in the moment. When I woke up, I felt the ray of sunshine tickling my arms, the water kissing my cheeks as I washed my face, and how soft my hair felt as I brushed. It is these little reminders that time is precious and as much as I worry or stress about certain things that are out of my control, I need to remind myself: the facts, what makes me happy, and what I can control. I can control my happiness, how I see and feel things, my thoughts, my reactions, and to choose to live with a purpose each and every day. Most importantly, we never know how much time we have left with the people we care about, and we don’t want to waste it. I can’t do that if I spend time worrying and stressing about things I can’t control. 

It’s been a few months since I last touched my Happiness Project. And that’s okay. The point of this Happiness Project is to serve as a guide and reminder of my values, my goals, my purpose, and just the little things in life. A lot has happened since my last post and within that time frame, some of those principles have changed and evolved as well. 

I decided to take a break from sharing and reflecting on passages from books I had been reading. After all... this is a project where I am still experimenting what works best for me. So tonight, I thought I do a little reflection about myself. 

Every now and then, it’s important for me to revisit my goals, my values, and question if I am living every day with a purpose. I can tell you at 27 years old, I am still trying to find and understand happiness. And I say that so plainly because, well... it takes time. To figure out how to be kind to yourself. To not just choose that happiness, but to feel it. 

There’s a quote that I once read, “You need to know that you’re enough”. You need to know that you’re enough. A mantra that has now engrained itself so deeply within me that not a day goes by without hearing it chime in my head. That five pounds lost won’t make me happier, that more makeup won’t make me prettier, that the now iconic saying from Jerry Maguire - “You complete me”- frankly, isn’t true. I am complete with or without a partner. I am enough just as I am. 

So, I am going to be kinder to myself. I want to challenge myself. I want to try and stop gossiping as much, to try a food that scares me, to buy a coffee for someone just because, to tell someone I love them... and then tell myself right back. I want to continue to find my happiness. 

That’s it... it’s only a feeling. Sometimes I’m so afraid to feel anything because I fear that the feelings will carry on forever, even if I give it a moment of awareness. 

Have you ever had a feeling of numbness? Where you have so many feelings occurring all at once that you suddenly feel numb. That’s because numbness is everything at once. It’s not nothing. 

It’s not about changing my feelings, but rather, I have to allow myself to listen. It’s not about accepting what they APPEAR to mean but rather what are these feelings trying to signal. This is how I should communicate with myself. 

It isn’t sadness or depression or anger that will hurt me. Ignoring it, denying it, escaping it... that’s what will. 

“Realizing you are the only person responsible for your life and your happiness”.  Wow, that cannot be any truer. 

I am very guilty of finding myself catering to other people’s needs, especially before my own. Simply put, I care too much. This past year, I’m slowly learning how to be kinder to myself by reminding myself that I too am important. That I too deserve the love and positivity I share with others. By doing so, I can be there for others in greater ways. How can I be there for others when I can’t even be there for myself. 

The title of this chapter is Uncomfortable Feelings that actually Indicate you’re on the Right Path. 

This seems to be happening a lot more frequently this past couple months... where I feel fine one second and the next, I have a flood of random emotions and thoughts. Instead of looking at it as an indicator that I’m on the “right path” (as this passage indicates), I’ve been seeing it more as a negative roller coaster. But after rereading this passage a plethora of times,  I’ve realized that these waves of emotions are because I’ve been wanting more in life. It’s an emotional realization... an awakening that I’ve been itching for change or growth in all aspects of my life: career, love, self. 

Instead of seeing this influx of irrational sadness as a sign that something is “wrong with me”, I’m choosing to see it as an indicator that there are aspects of my life that cannot be continuously resisted. 

So, I am taking these first steps to acknowledge my emotions and allow myself to become fully conscious of them. Instead of suppressing these feelings, I will allow myself to feel them. I am having these specific thoughts/feelings for a reason. *Note to self Tiffany- this doesn’t mean you have permission to get carried away with your imagination, you still need to find that control in defining reality vs imagination.* 

... a continuation of being an emotional intelligent human. 

A really trusted and important friend of mine shared this type of mindset with me today. He allowed me to realize the things I have to offer to other people because of the kind of person I am. Recently, he watched a video about Oprah and how over the years she has had to learn to say no. It doesn’t mean we should say no to everything, but instead, it means to be mindful, be picky. When you say yes, make sure it is something that is true and authentic to you. 

He reminded me that being someone with such a big heart, I need to learn and be okay to say no. I have to continue being mindful and picky in who I choose to open my heart to. I’m not going to close off myself to the world, but I will be picky and particular in who I choose to share certain things with and what I put my interest in. My heart is big, but it’s also sacred. 

I do feel this continued path in growing into a more emotional intelligent human every day and... I love it. 

____________________________

To this friend:  Thank you for being you. Our friendship over the years has really grown and we really have built a strong, intimate, and trusted foundation. Your care and protection reminds me every day how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life. You have allowed me to fall in love with the person I am today and have allowed me to realize things about myself that I never knew before. 

We both have so much to offer to this world. And just as you have shared with me the importance of being picky and mindful in who I share certain things with or what I pour my heart into, I hope you know that pertains to you as well. 

Ah ~ the mind of an Emotional Intelligent Human. 

Something I want to and continue to strive for. Our thoughts can be so messy, where 90% of the time, I feel that my own thoughts are make believes... a figment of my imagination... not real. Have you ever caught yourself in mid-thought and you’re like where the heck did this even come from? Did it even happen or is it going to happen? 99.5% of the time, it probably won’t. 

But ah-ha... I have just taken the first steps as an emotional intelligent being, to recognize that there is something off, not right about this thought. Now, I have to continue learning how to take the next step and pausing for a moment to evaluate if these thoughts truly serve me. So the question is, what if these thoughts don’t... what are the next steps I must take? 

The next steps I’m going to take are to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think. What do I know for sure is true. Somewhere in the archives of this very imaginative brain, there is the truth. Find it, take it out, repeat it until more truths come out, and then let it push away these wild, mostly crazy thoughts. 

A few days ago, as my tennis girls were warming up, my high school tennis coach shared a story with me about a man that ran one mile every single day. Just one. So after a year, this man has ran 365 miles. During an interview, the man was asked, why just one? He responded saying how it is the little, continuous routine you create for yourself that will have a greater effect later on. He knows that he can make that one mile consistent and be great at it. It’s everything that comes with being able to run that one mile every single day. The perseverance, the patience. 

Wow... that statement could not be more true and more relative to this passage. My coach really humanized my thoughts by sharing that sometimes it isn’t about the grandiose things in life. Instead, it’s about the habitual things you can keep up on a day to day basis because these little movements are what will shape our character, our energy, our outlook. 

On days I don’t work, I have found myself feeling itchy or unsatisfied.. basically telling myself, I’m not doing “enough”. Why do I have this constant thought that if I wasn’t doing something, “I wasn’t on the road to success”, or “I’m not doing anything with my life”? If you really think about it, these thoughts were and are so unhealthy. 

Have you ever heard the statement “quality over quantity”? I have to tell myself that it really isn’t about how much I’m doing, but rather, what are all the things that I’m doing with the current experiences that I do have. 

For example, am I truly doing everything I can to be the best of the best at my job? How can I elevate myself so that I get the most out of this specific experience. Even though this isn’t where I want to be 10 years from now, it is still an experience that I am grateful for and can gain something from. So in order to get the most out of this experience, I will continue to ask questions, research and find evidence, take on challenges that I haven’t experienced before. All the opportunities that I find or make from this experience, I know that I won’t get elsewhere. This is the only time and place that I can gain a certain type of knowledge and growth. 

It’s crazy how when we do feel a sense of fear or pain, we automatically associate it with “something being wrong or not right”. How did these two types of feelings bare so much negative weight. 

These are definitely two types of feelings that I have been or do feel every now and then in my current, personal experiences. I will admit that I have been guilty of coloring these words in a negative light. But, I have to realize that I’m feeling these ways for a reason, and it’s not always because of something bad. I’m feeling these ways because I care, and love, and I’m invested. Brianna West is right, if I didn’t encapsulate these feelings, it would mean I wasn’t interested.

When you put your heart into something that you love, you ARE going to feeling a plethora of feelings. A WIDE range of feelings from good to bad. And what makes it so worthwhile or rewarding is all the ups and downs that come along with it. Even if the outcome isn’t what I desire, I can’t let the result define my happiness. I have to reflect on the journey and know that at least I was invested in something I truly love. I want to be able to walk away from something where i can proudly say that “at least I tried and didn’t give up”. Because no matter what the result is, at least I know that I did everything I could. I would much rather have an outcome that I didn’t desire, than always wondering “what if this... and what if that”. 

After reading this passage, I literally put the book down and said wow.. this could not be more true. 

If you asked me years ago what my life would be like today, it definitely isn’t where I am today. At 27, I thought I would already have a full time job as a pharmacist, maybe be engaged or married (to no one in particular in mind), living on my own, and fully independent. Well...at 27 today, I can tell you that, I do not have a full time job ( I only work 3 times a week), single, and still living at home with my parents, and still dependent on coming home to groceries and dinner. 

As human as we all are, there are times where I thought to myself like damn.. how did I get to this point. I really thought I would have life figured out by now, but the truth is I really don’t. I do have goals for myself, but I don’t really know what direction my life is headed towards. In reality, I no longer have a visual of what my life will be like a week, a month, a year from now. And if I’m being honest, there was a period of time where I would feel bad for myself because of that... seeing other people figuring their lives out, working full time jobs, married, buying homes, etc. I would falsify what I thought would make me happy and started to brutally compare myself to others. 

I really despised being in this kind of self-hatred, negative mindset because it truly isn’t who I am or who I set out to be. So I started to reflect a little deeper about myself... and you know what...

it is okay to feel these kind of emotions/feelings. But I’ve learned that the most imperative thing you can do for yourself is to not get stuck there. Allow yourself to feel it, but then CHOOSE to react to it with kindness, perseverance, and determination. CHOOSE to be the best version of yourself NOW and love what you already have. CHOOSE to continue learning from any experience or opportunity in that very moment. 

So... given that I only work a part time job right now as a pharmacist, I know that it won’t be like this forever. I will take this current experience I am fortunate enough to have and be the best pharmacist I can be here. To continue learning every time I go into work. I know that it won’t be like this forever because I DO have that every desire in me to put myself out there and take opportunities that come my way. I DO have that determination to want to continue learning and growing in this profession and not get stuck at just one place forever. I KNOW that I am a person who will take action and not just say things to say it. 

So... given that I am still single, that’s okay. I am taking this time to really learn more about myself. To give myself that self-love and that solo time I probably won’t get as often once I am actually in a relationship. I am choosing to see this as a time to really rejuvenate my soul and my heart. I mean It’s been 7 years since I’ve been single, so why not focus on the one relationship I can actually control and that’s with myself. 

So... given that I am still living at home and not fully independent, WOW am I super lucky. I have parents that welcome me with open arms every day, who will cook me food, take care of me when I’m feeling ill, offer to run some errands for me, and provide me that 24/7 advice and support I need whenever and wherever I need it. I have parents who continue to push me to want to be better and do better and I can’t wait for the day that I can take care of them. 

I’m currently reading a book called “101 Essays that will Change the way You Think” by Brianna Wiest. This is currently my second time rereading this book and I thought I do something a little different this time around. Why not write out certain prompts in the book that caught my attention, then take the time to reflect on it here on my page. I think it will be a way for me to really utilize this platform and be able to put my thoughts and what I’m learning into action. I truly believe that knowledge can only truly be gained through experience and action. 

I will call this MY version of the Happiness Project. I don’t know how this project will unfold, but I think this is a good start. The first part of my project will be this reading activity I have set out to challenge myself with. This will allow me to dig deeper into my thoughts and help me put things into perspective.