Words from the Ghost

I am hoping what I experienced is just a fluke or me caught off guard. Yesterday, Blondie just started randomly making out with me, but it felt like...nothing. It just felt like we were physically mushing lips together.

When I used to make out with him, it was irresistible. It was urgent and like I needed to kiss him. And I am sitting here doing the math in my hed of our relationship. Everything else feels great. Our chemistry is great, our sex is good (could probably do with more foreplay). How can the most simple part be so bland?

And of course there I was last night with coworkers, drunk off my ass. I messaged Rag and Claws like an idiot. Now Claws finds this behavior random. 

Sometimes, I wonder if I am poly. But how can you be if you want all the attention on you and not want to share with another girl?

And that is something I have struggled with from the beginning. Like, should I or shouldn’t I? Blondie always says that he doesn’t mind me dating other men. And sometimes, I have thought about it. But I know I do love him. I even researched polyamory. Did you know it actually helps with relationships? Poly families have reported less likelihood of deception and stronger likelihood of satisfaction. 

The thing is, I don’t feel unsatisfied, but if I wasn’t, why message old lovers?

I just wouldn’t want him to be so into the newer model and just dump me altogether. That’s really my fear. I felt like Claws easily dropped me off a cliff for his girlfriend (now ex). It didn’t feel great.