muchi

this world was limitless the last time i remembered it. now i am confined, shackled, and pinned onto a wall. to touch the ceiling is high enough and to reach the sky, oh i can only dream.

i’ve been acting on odd impulses, constantly barking and going mad like a hungry coyote. mindless runs, and empty eyes. i feel like i’m already dead and there’s no way to revive me.

i’ve tried talking, praying, loving, smiling, but none of those sustain long enough. running out of choices to cope, i can only hope that this messy suffering can be over.

now, nothing comes out. the creativity juice is squeezed dry. man..

no. i sleep well. i eat well. i have a stable job. i have nice friends. i earn good money. from the surface it looks just okay. but deep inside i know i’m missing a big piece that used to be there but no longer there.

is it gratitude?

is it childlike-ness?

is it because i want more, i know more, i want better and i know better — that i cannot settle back to a life filled with gratitude and ignoring the areas i’m lacking? feels like i’m gonna have second best only now.