wordsbeyondwords

To be honest, I miss you sometimes. I miss your jokes and your stories. Sometimes when I see something I think about how you would like it, or how in some weird way it reminds me of you. I’m still mad at you for what you did. You didn’t have to lie to me or let me think everything was okay when it wasn’t. I was supposed to be the one person that you didn’t lie to. I miss being around your family. I miss going riding around in your truck. I miss listening to your horrible singing and watching your weird dance moves that are so weird that they actually kind of work. Every time I see glitter all I can think about is Stacy and that’s frustrating because you’re the only one who would get the joke. I miss laying down with you and holding each other. I miss sleeping together, even though you would hit me sometimes or talk. I miss how on the days when my depression was bad you would kiss away my tears and hold me, or find some way to make me feel better.

For someone who would make the pain go away, you are honestly the one who has hurt me the most. You honestly messed me up. I don’t want to even try to be in a relationship anymore with anyone because I won’t be able to trust anyone who wants to be with me. When someone tells me that they love me I will have the hardest time believing them. When someone tells me that they will be there for me I’ll just be counting down the days until they decide to go. For every moment that I’m not with that someone, all I’ll be able to think about is how they might be with someone else.

I prepared myself to be in the relationship you wanted. I was all in. Then you ripped the carpet out from under me when you decided that you didn’t want it anymore, or even worse, that you never wanted it in the first place.

Sometimes we can’t help but wonder. Was it me? Was it something I said or did? Was the timing off? Did I make the right decision? If I could go back what would I have changed? Would I change it or would I leave it how it is now? Was it too soon? Am I too late? Will things change for the better or for the worst? Am I satisfied? Am I happy? Am I content with the decision I have made? Will I regret never knowing for sure? When will “I wonder” turn into “I know”?

Who knew a victory could be so bitter

Leave you feeling so defeated

And cheated

When I said I wanted more,

You assumed that you weren’t good enough.

You sat there and thought to yourself,

Thinking that if you didn’t give me more,

I would go out and get it

Leaving you behind.

So you beat me to the “punch line”

But my heart is not a joke.

When I said I wanted more,

I wanted more of you.

Your time,

Your love,

Your body,

Everything.

Even the very air you breathed.

I wanted to surround myself with you

And be selfish with you,

by keeping you all to myself.

I wanted you to feel,

Feel the way I felt giving myself to you.

When I said I wanted more,

We both wanted very different things.

It hurts knowing that I was just a moment in your life, the kind of moment that you’re not sure was real or your mind playing tricks on you, that you can just push out of your mind like I never existed in the first place. And yet, here I am, wondering and worrying about you all the time. Every time that I see something that reminds me of you, it reminds me of the hole in my chest that I try so hard to pretend isn’t there. I wake up in the middle of the night because I reach for you and am reminded that you don’t sleep beside me anymore. It’s hard to forget that we ever happened, and once I do for a split second word suggestion brings your name up on my phone. When I type “I love you” your name appears and I am reminded again of how you never truly loved me back. I gave you all of me, but you only gave me most of you. Then you took everything you gave me away. The idea of you giving yourself to someone else kills me because you still have me. But I could never tell you that.

I don’t want to be that girl who waits around for someone everybody else says she should be over already. But at the same time those people will never understand. It’s easier said than done. I never got any closure. Even though I want it I know that I’ll probably never get it. That fucks me up even more because while you’ve already moved on, I’m still here hoping for something that I will never get. And even though I try, I can never really accept that, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to accept that I don’t exist to you. I do exist. You’ve seen me, felt me, touched me, talked to me, fucked me, and somewhat loved me- maybe not even that. But I am real. I am a person. I am someone who meant something to you.

It’s funny how you can made me feel so special then and like nothing now.