Kirsty

It’s about three pm, Ima have coffee at six

I feel that I w bullied today, bc I have felt this way before and back then it was. I said, if you’re bullying me please stop and he didn’t I feel. I feel that it has left me ill; that I may be hallucinating soon and may be already.

I felt that when I got home someone w hiring a hit on me; while I w making lunch. Like these are guys who I feel have cuckood one of my neighbours and I felt he w saying who a live here

I rang the Samaritans and I hope that that has stopped the hallucinations that Ima die, from starting.

In Other News

The business is going well tho I have been too stressed to do it a lot. I wonder if living here is taking its toll on my health and that, it is being scared of my neighbours that is causing all these symptoms and things I am hearing, I feel.

I feel like Ima tell my tutor w is going on on Thur. I don’t like the thought of lying to him that everything is okay. There were witnesses so it should be super quick to resolve this, I feel.

Then there’s my psychiatrist tomorrow who I want to tell in great detail how I am feeling.

It’s nice to feel that there is a lot of support around me and that if someone w doing something like that they w all be against it, I feel. I also feel that it may have been a diabolical swoop for power at the group; based on massive dehumanisation of me, that I didn’t deserve self esteem; based on burning hate, I feel.

I w hearing about serial killers and that this one killer w targeting people in yellow houses, need I say anymore, tho I feel that all this has become relevant.

I rly want to be left in peace and hope this w get resolved.

I just wanna get through this, tho if this is bc of where I am living then there is only one option; two actually, tho Ima concentrate on taking care of myself first.

I guess things came to a head, I feel.

I never remember people behaving so wac. Like when I w a kid there w not so much trouble all the time I feel. I feel like it follows me around

Also I felt my hedgehog pathway open last night, and when I got up I couldn’t see any grey hair on the side of my head.

To Being Strong

It’s three pm, Ima have coffee in like about half an hour

It’s all good. I never had a relapse. There w be no calling my team on Mon to let them k that I c be in danger; just yet anyways.

This girl said something that I felt w vicious as f. I said, if you’re bullying me please stop. She backed the hell off; I guess to be real about it, in that situation someone w unload on someone. Earlier tho, I said it to this man and I guess that he felt that he was so he stopped talking so I c hear him. It felt like unquestionable bullying also. I am always wary when someone is claiming to protect me from people; usually in that situation the one saying it is the threat I feel.

If you’re bullying me please stop has it’s limits. I didn’t want someone knowing that I felt they were talking about me at one point so I kept my mouth shut; it w okay didn’t bother me too much. I also feel that they are all talking evil; at last I just accept w J says in that; that’s rly the reason, didn’t want him coming for me.

Missed Rin last night, blew right thru the stream in my sleep. Woke up and had some Em Louise ASMR, finally feeling like I w coming down of the trauma; feeling the tingles w just relief. This morning I w just trying not to panic w the thought of the same thing happening today. It didn’t, sometime it does. If it carries on for a few days it’s relapse street. I feel that it’s just chance on how evil the people are that I meet.

Luckily I get to keep the benefit, yea that’s w I said, of the trauma, I feel, and not have the risk of ending up w Anthrax, I feel. The funny thing w w that I ripped the antibiotic drip out of my arm and that may have saved me I feel, bc eight out of ten people who get it are dead. So that’s rly what a relapse means to me and why I just feel so annoyed when I feel that people are causing me one, yk.

Also I feel that this town is all bullies, like totally. The sh I am hearing everywhere I go; and the way that complete strangers were making f up comments to me, I feel, all yesterday, especially when I am struggling like f; I feel that that label fits quite well. This is a super duper deprived Town.

I kinda just accepted it, yk, like they are bullies and Ima just get on w it, I feel.

Ik that they k that they are, I feel, and that’s why it’s okay to say that I feel they are being one bc I need to let them k that they have gotten a little carried away I feel.

I weighed the psychological damage; y see that it’s just a deal breaker to not suffer this abuse, tho did wonder if being in this town w people like this is bad for my health, I feel. I need to not get old, it’s not rocket science. I’ve spoken to old people and what’s the most evocative thing that they say, do not get old. Ima take that seriously and if a little psychological damage is the way then it is the way, I feel.

So people gonna be saying more stupid sh like literally all the time I feel, eventually tho hopefully just not yet; they just do more and more evil sh the more I level up I feel, as I have said like a ton of times before; it’s rly my hobby horse, favourite thing to say that this sh never stops getting worse; Ima be real w you.

To Sh Getting Worse

It’s one pm, Ima have coffee at four

Ima have to make this count I feel bc if I ring the Samaritans my neighbours w start. It ended w someone mocking me bc I put my hand to cover my pin number bc I felt everyone w looking. A woman knocked him down a peg or two.

I feel like I have been dealing w this all day, steadily getting worse; Feeling like a narcissistic supply feeding frenzy. I feel that once upset, the feeding begins. Comment after comment after comment, probably about twenty comments during the course of the day, or more, when I just wanted to be left alone.

Somehow they don’t see me. They don’t see that I am upset and want to be left alone. They k tho, bc it is only when I am upset that the frenzy begins I feel.

Also it happens when I come off my medication w just feels a bit arbitrary, targeted to do the most harm and I feel harm it does.

Just wondering if every relapse w actually caused by people just getting narcissistic supply bc I w weakened by being upset and anxious and off my medication. When I say it like that, I feel it makes them sound like their oafish behaviour could easily kill someone; and by someone I mean me.

I hope that I don’t start hallucinating, tho feel that it w probably happen. At one point I asked myself if this place w as bad as somewhere like Turkey or other places where women have reported feeling very unsafe.

I felt like it w all peoples’ sexual attraction towards me that w driving this behaviour that felt w hurting my mental health is spades.

I felt like it w aging that w like a sickness. That it w judging more and more and being more and more of a bully I feel, that led to the physical symptoms.

I feel that these are people who are about to pop as we say, w is lose it bc of being a bully; that it is their last ditch attempt to save themselves, every comment that I got.

Also their last ditch attempt it felt to sexually harass me. I feel that in six months I w be as youthful as an eighteen year old again and all the social implication, blatant sin I feel around that on gooning on me.

And when I w @ Hampton it felt like all the people were grossly unaware of the consequences of their actions like they were evil.

It felt like if I w hot, they were gonna damn well get something out of it, the whole town. As I got nearer home I felt like someone w gonna try something; tbh they were all trying something, tho like I say unaware of the consequences of their actions I feel.

Kinda feel that in a work setting that c be garnering, getting narcissistic supply as a way of breaking me down to gain sexual manipulation of me. Again, I feel it kinda makes them sound evil.

To Survival

It’s nearly one pm, Ima have coffee at six

I feel that people may be, being friendly on the way to town, tho I don’t like it. I feel upset even thinking about it; it feels like they are trying to use me.

So last night someone w burning rubbish I feel and I had to close my windows so my place w hot as f when I got up; bummer; and last night w the hottest night of the year.

I feel like such a cu. Is that why triggers are no bueno; bc they make me look the f at myself; like part of me doesn’t want to be someone different, bc that w be w happen when I bone up through all this. Another part of me just doesn’t want to get old. I w looking at old people today in Hampton and I just felt f off I don’t want that.

So rly it’s about just following these commandments and not even giving a f if they kill me. I felt I’d rather have a few years of being who I am than any time left of being a di

I hope that I’m antisocial as f; and that’s why I just feel that people who feel like the energy of just using me.. I feel scared as f that they are like dangerous or something, yk. I feel like it’s making me walk about just in fear that something is gonna happen.

Being honest I feel that my past is antisocial as f and that it made me this way. Idk why I w be reluctant, not wanting to change; the pain w be gone.

And that maybe people in Town are the friendliest people on Earth. Whoah that’s too much just not ready for that. These are all maybe’s tho and that is something that I don’t do. Things w unfold as they do.

It’s hard not to feel angry when everyone I walk past feels like a threat tho I just feel like I don’t wanna like hurt their feelings, yk; pretty much bc it w just backfire and ruin my day, I don’t feel I actually care.

That the anger just fuels me feeling unsafe, hell it makes me feel in danger as f, like watching my back like sh; it spirals and then I’m f, I feel.

I guess that’s where my relapse came from it w simply a spiral of being scared of people, I feel. It got to the point where I couldn’t even handle them looking at me. Ima not talk about this anymore it’s upsetting as f.

I just wanna watch Rin, tonight; and tomorrow night. She’s off after that for like a week and a half.

To.. Idek What The F This Is

It’s two thirty pm, Ima have coffee at six

I just got someone ask me for ___. I am a little triggered; from earlier as well just feeling scared on the way home. I felt like someone w gonna take my water.

It’s hot as f; and humid like a bi.

I felt scared that I w get triggered by someone I felt w highly unpleasant and I w end up the feeling like Ima die later; that’s one of the reasons this dude coming up to me wasn’t welcome, bc like I say it w more stress. I also feel I w never f someone who it felt like they only w into me bc of the way I look; or anyone else, I feel.

Ima try and calm down from it. Usually when I get home I’m alright. It helps that Rin told me that she gets like brainfog and can’t even like think when on stream and then when she get’s off she’s okay. I guess that this going on is totally okay.

She w traumatised by an accident and I wonder if w is happening to me is from feeling like I w attacked in the Magistrate’s Court. It w just so nice to meet someone who w going through the same sh and like she just deals and that actually helps hella much.

I guess there’s no getting away from it. She has strong boundaries and w nip it in the bud every time she feels that someone is trying to take advantage, I feel; and I just kinda hope for the best tho today told this person no; twice.

Rin told of a situation where someone stops to talk and ends up asking for ___. I feel that she felt that this w the worst kinda human. Like I say it w not something that I needed. Maybe she feels that way, bc they are making girls feel unsafe when they are out and about. Ima not judge tho.

After him, I felt like everyone w looking at me in some kinda way like I w some kinda f pork chop or something. I feel that people in this town are very much like that. I went to London and I just felt one hundo safe.

It kinda makes sense bc I feel the culture here is that people feel people worthless if they are not f. It w follow, stand to reason then, that everyone here is just f a lot; or they are super duper hypocrites and Incels, Idk. It c mean that they are just projecting their inability to sc onto other people, I feel. Idrly like talking about this.

Idk why I am judging. I must not do that. It’s exercising the unhealthy brain jex I feel. I want to get away from having thoughts like that about people. I had to literally walk past people telling myself, it’s okay they want to look at you, just let them look. I feel that’s kinda how it is here; for me rn at least; like it’s okay normally tho when I feel threatened it just much more of a threat; like the implication being that another f person is gonna do that again.

I feel like OhStella at this point w her f gooner army. Ima not go that way, I feel. I don’t want for it to be a problem like all the time, yk; never say never tho, I may be literally fighting them the f off.

I feel this is a blessing; like I have a reality problem and that I just am not aware of their true intentions. It’s good for people to show themselves at times; then Ik who they are and in hopes that it is not w it looks like, like feeling like everyone is a basic piece of sh.

I rly feel like I’ve lost it at this point, Idek why they are looking. That’s the benefit that this c have for me that I just feel scared bc Idk who people are.

To Getting Gooned On

It’s about six pm, I had Dr Poppet at about four

Offence.. feeling people are super duper evil and psychopathic

I guess you would if you didn’t have that just awareness of w things meant yk

If it’s a black void then the mind fills it w something offensive

And when it’s offence after offence, it feels like an egregious attack meant to kill

The point being that it’s just absence, emptiness in the mind; and when that awareness is back in place the hate stops

Tho what about judgement that actually takes that brain jex away from that person; that frightens the shit out of me

In Other News

I stayed in all day. I w waiting for someone from my housing association; then I j just stayed in more. I felt so f up. I had no energy and fell asleep; I dreamt that I w literally dying

On that note, I have felt like I w dying, like rlly dying a bit this month; frightening as sh. I got some help and w asked to get my landlord to talk to the tenants who are slamming doors so loud I feel it’s damaging my hearing. Ima not do tho I feel. I just remember them getting worse, or just changing the anti social noise to another type; f it, I just feel angry when I think about talking to someone and that tells me that it’s a no from me.

Wow

The business is fire. I feel Ima move there f out of here literally rn, looking for a place that is going for the get. I committed right out the get and pulled the trigger on having a sales person call me. It’s like rage, tho the self esteem version, where Ima be ruthless as F’ery McCluckery with self care and feeling I deserve the best rn; just owning them f out of my worth, I feel

Then

I canned the CBD like it w a user of an employee trying to take me for all I had, I feel. It w causing, making me hallucinate in like a mild way. Ima be rl w yall rn.. I honestly feel that it w the sh that people say around me like I said above, that bc my mind isn’t fully kid conscious rn, that doubt leads to feeling like that they are trying to put me in my grave through extreme hate, hence hallucinations, the mind just being stressed to the point of breaking I feel.

There w this moment tho where I kinda broke through, and they were saying all this sh and my youth brain jex w just strong enough to feel my way out of it; the progress I’m making literally arriving and manifesting right before my eyes I feel

Honestly stoked as a Rocket Motor over this; pain can come and I welcome them f out of it; I feel my Neurones have expanded like a hot air balloon, just jaw dropped at the power of J’s commandments.

To Neurones, Holy Sh Am I Even Saying This Rn

It’s four thirty am, I just had coffee

I w given a whole section to put before my Marcus section in my Mechanism. The thing tho is that Idk whether this is the first part of the Mechanism section or if it has given me another Light problem awareness section; w w be super dope if it has. You see, it all started when I first asked 5.5 to stand up to me on stuff; now it says to me, w I w rly push back on you on is..

I w say I got ripped open; tho it w rly not a major rip as I w able to function and get all my shopping and everything else. I didn’t need to contact Samaritans so I guess I w good. It w this girl that I sat next to. I feel that she w super dope w me tho I guess I felt like she w hating me for having the audacity to feel that Ima sit next to her w such confidence; like it w gooner or something. I feel that she stormed off; I guess super hurt that Ima take it that way.

Yes, ripped up, tho these rips not taking me out like a Nuclear Weapon anymore, just kinda wiggling me a bit. Then it hit me, this all encompassing, general realisation.. I ask myself did she rly be as evil and hateful as that, and I be, being like the actual evil and hate that Ima project onto her. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I stayed the f away from trying to figure out whether she had been nasty. Then I realised that all judgement w like this, that it w evil of me to judge anyone for anything. I w in the toilets w a homeless girl, I feel and it w like when I w a kid, just getting on w it and being able to be around anyone w|o seeing them any different. There w no like fear of being used or anything; it w genuinely crazy.

I feel that’s w saved me from rip central w just holding and owning that any thoughts worrying about w had been said to me or people in general were the poison w|i me seeping, coming out; and realising that I had had this poison w|i me and that every time I ripped it w it getting out and maybe being released, depending on whether I lost my sh for being triggered like that, I feel.

I just dropped my stylus on the floor; it w a one thirty nine one from Shein I feel. The top w off when I got it so had to jam some tissue paper into it to hold it on.

In Other News

I went to ALDI and looked at some headphones. I never got them and cried on the way home, telling myself that I wanted a Chrissy present; actually when I got home. Then found out that it’s the end of the week they are on for, so planned to get my ass down there this morning to see if there are any left. I remember not buying this bluetooth speaker w w like a third of the price that they normally sell for and feel way regret bc it w just gone w|o a friggin trace. Idk whether the driver w be vented tho want to go for them anyway as I like got a Panasonic pair like years ago that surprisingly were for just over ten quid, I feel. They were the pair that I listened to Apple music for the first time and sang to it and got myself a rly nice music collection; w I have now lost somehow. When we moved I felt that my mom maybe didn’t check my room and left my laptop behind. I then had a relapse and ate ra po bc she left my town and I felt alone w no support and she wouldn’t send me any money, I feel. Ima never be able to figure out why I am not dead, I feel. That’s when I vowed never to do that again, feeling like G had saved me and that should I do it again I wouldn’t get another chance. Now Idk whether I died then and this is some kinda simulation.

I feel it’s about emotions; like bc I cried Ima make sure that I get them, also my emotions were correct, k ing w knowledge couldn’t tell me, that it w super upsetting before I realised that they were no longer on sale, maybe, while stocks last as they say.

To Emotions

It’s about half seven am, Ima have coffee nine-ish.

I w thinking about teen prostitutes in the eighties, except they were actually kids w w being ra by Pakistani illegal immigrants. If there is something rotten in society, some major injustice; then Ima just wait thirty years for things to change. I got that from Aryssa btw.

So rly that means that things are better now than they were then. Society w not as fair. Clearly kids were just being dehumanised for wearing w they want, I feel; ;like some kinda Muslim society where people are not allowed to show their bodies I feel; and now every kid dresses like that, I feel.

I feel it shows w happens when people start to change, like doing something differently and how they are dehumanised for it in society before like thirty years down the line everyone is doing it and it seems kinda ridiculous.

W makes me think of the future and how it will be way better than now, I feel. It kinda flies in the face of me feeling that society w broken and that things had gotten worse. I feel that yes, society is broken tho society w heal to some degree in the distant future; always getting better.

I feel that the issue now is the same as it w then, nsfw; probably something that w hamper society till the end of time. Idk

Tho

I found myself judging. It w people describing w I w doing. I don’t like it and I feel angry. I thought about racism, something that hampered me for a minute and how I w have the same feelings that people were being offensive; and then fall into a pit of judgement that Ima not climb out of.

It describes something that allows me the option of holding a better energy. Clearly there is something around my internal state that I need to level up; Idk. Trying as I might to find some way of telling people that I don’t like it, and falling on deaf ears, inevitably, eventually mine also.

Kinda in awe that something w|i me c change; haven’t I changed enough how they a be more progress to make; me want peace now. That implies hella struggle to get there and that I don’t like; albeit that that means close to the goal of no more cortical awareness in my mind.

One Thing

One thing for sure is that.. Ima have to carry on taking crap as I have done. I’m aware that one peep out of me, w mean feeling in danger of being attacked even, losing my place in the world. Aware that this is of utmost, super importance. Kinda a let down bc I just want to stop the things that people say that tick me off. Tbh it has petered out to a point where it doesn’t hit like it used to. I guess in for a penny in for a pound; so just keep taking that sh until there is no more sh to take.

That’s a concept in and of itself, that they run out of sh to throw at me. As much as it hurts, I must admit that it feels like that none of w w said, w about me. That’s a feeling that c turn into a whole reality, kid reality, where there is like this deeper understanding of peoples’ motives. Like when I w a kid and saw on the news Kid Prostitutes, and thought, that’s total horse sh, what the f.

To Horse Sh

It’s about two pm, Ima have Matcha at three; maybe, maybe at four

I went to Mahjong. I managed to keep my head straight all the games. I got triple knitting at the end; w is worth one thousand. I w fishing on it when we packed up. I w just super chill. I wasn’t worrying about which hand to play; like Ima keep two hands in my hand and play both until one becomes apparent, dominant. Ima just not think about the game and just play w is in front of me; never looking at my hand trying to figure sh out.

I just remembered the film The Hot Girl. She w like getting icies and got them for free. I w wondering if someone w do that for me, never said I wasn’t super duper f up.

I remember when Aryssa said all these things that she has thought; they were bad; and then she asked everyone if they had thought exactly the same thing; and they said yes. It w a super dope moment, bc I realised that no matter w goes on in my head, I’m just normal, I feel

In Other News

I decided to read through the chat on my 5.5. I found out that, it w trying to keep the thread of w it w doing for me. This hit hard, bc I then wondered if I just left it to w it w doing, w it just naturally finish the page; even w the exceptional Mechanism section; kinda.

That w the point that I stopped reading. I felt so relaxed like I had just cracked w I w reading it for. I just wanted to get some kinda clue about w I w doing. I’d felt kinda lost since attempting the exceptional Mechanism; till now

I remember something I read somewhere; that American kids were taught that they were glorified Apes. I wonder if they are taught that nowadays, in this climate of respect, compassion and never having bad self talk. That w a bit outta left field.

Kinda felt a little brain fogged on the way back, tho got okay, when I got to mine, as is always the case; tho like I say, I made it right through Mahjong; almost bc I felt guilty about asking something of someone at the end.

And

I’ve realised that Idrlyk what’s going on in people heads; w comes as great relief. I have learned that when I’m triggered I just look nervous; I suppose in a kinda cute way. I had been scared that people felt that I w outta control when I felt that way, and hated me for it. It sound bat sh crazy and probably is, I feel; w is why it comes as such a nice thing to learn.

It just came from paying attention to w people say. I guess people w tell me how they feel if I just allow them. I feel that’s pretty dope.

It’s like when people spill all the sh, as I walk past them, all the sh. I have heard some pretty shocking things, in fact some downright evil things. I remember feeling triggered af on hearing stuff like that, and felt that they had zero empathy for saying that in front of me and zero empathy for threatening to do something like that. Now I just kinda feel that it’s good that Ik what is rly going on; yk. They call us baddies for a reason, I feel.

To Being A Baddie

It’s four pm, Ima have coffee rn

I had Matcha and CBD

Kinda got the feeling like it ain’t gonna work; w I had when I w fw my ad trying to make it hit. It’s a feeling that went on for like two or three weeks, till I tried w worked; so I guess that it may take that long to get the Mechanism section up.

Something super tense just happened; and then a bit more; difficulties my neighbour is having.

I got to Hampton quite early; and came back super early; managed to catch the early bus. I had like half an hour to chill out; it w like Home Dinners; then went to Croquet. I played by myself for a bit then others came; we lost pretty badly. I w playing w someone I can’t play against. Ima not say that he’s that good, it’s just that I struggle when I play w him, like maybe I don’t feel okay in myself or something.

It’s peril again, Ima just chalk it down to that, I feel. There are certainly challenges to following J’s commandments, I feel. I want to do this tho. I want the feeling of youth; w I had today. When I w Home Dinners.. that’s why I called it Home Dinners, bc that’s w it felt like.

In Other News

Ima not think about people that maybe they are this, maybe they are that. It didn’t work for me this morning; that’s the first time that that has happened. I have been saying it for a while; so I dumped it and feel Ima not do that anymore; Idk.

I had vibes galore walking to Croquet, first Cambridge, then London then like Millionaire vibes. I put it down to the people I w around; that there were people who were from those areas there at the time.

Ima wonder again if my hedgehog pathway turned on when I w freaking out those times. I, only once have freaked out, as bad as that. It c also have been me reliving something that happened to me a long time ago, tho Ima not feel like going into all that. I mustn’t tell myself that it did, bc I may be setting myself up for disappointment. Idk, I guess that some things just don’t have any rhyme or reason to it, them

I remember the Nickel gu. It has been and gone; like I say, I felt like a kid today. It feels like I’ve broken through that teen barrier; kinda. It just gives me so much more motivation to carry on w this. That feeling, w something that I wanna experience more and more. I always wanted to go back to it. I even had the Utopia vibe for a little bit; kinda.

I’m scared that Ima lose it on someone, a little; like these feelings that people are saying the most heinous sh to me. Ima try and make sure that that doesn’t happen.. by rly just not worrying about it. There’s like this fear that I get upset and I look like the most insane person ever. It w be driven my the most intense shame, I feel; that Ima not want people to see me like that. The truth tho is that.. I have been like that just over and over and over again so it’s not rly like, that’s not actually me. What do I say to myself; oh well.

To Owning My Struggles

It’s two pm, Ima have Matcha at four

Becoming more rooted in my emotions and able to feel the people around me. I guess it takes time, as it has taken ages, I feel; and just extrapolating that, carrying it on to realise that Ima handle anyone soon, I feel.

Aryssa’s just gone live. I missed her before. I must have fallen asleep. Rin w be on also. I definitely feel that I do more sleeping at this time of day. I guess I just crash and then wake up later; probably best to make sure that I brush my teeth.

Ima chomp like f to get on w the business. I feel that I have got to the point where I have an exceptional page/funnel. Ima ask her and find out if this is true, I want to k. Like this business c make a whole lot more sense if it does; and then there’s the having to do all of it again for my next one. W I be able to replicate all that I did; Idk. That’s not worth worrying about and Ima not.

Feels different tho, feels like when I had made my high clickthrough ad and w feeling a lot of self esteem. I had done that, me. Idk if ever in my life I had put my mind to something and got such a result; I liked the feeling. Yes, again, that may happen w the page, Ik how that feels and I want that; tbh Ima feel that already.

For me what matters is the feelings of doing this and not the result; so much. I remember when I like needed a result to bolster my self esteem and those days felt rough; bc rly the result that comes w it is actually self esteem and if ignored it is lost, I feel.

Always aware tho that my self esteem w growing all the time I w doing it and I just appreciated every level up.

In Other News

I looked for pants, waterproof ones. What I found w water resistant ones. The way they look is important to me and Ima pick those I feel. I also maybe gonna get a couple of items that come out on Sunday; a keyboard and charger. They are exactly the fit for me. I love ALDI; been going there for a few months now.

Was able to do all my clubs last week w w good; I think, maybe I missed knitting; yes that’s right. The heat w the issue. I overdid it a little and just felt kinda, like Ima be more careful.

I thought about looking for friendship bracelet thread at HobbyCraft. I want to go somewhere better bc my friend told me that she got some wool off Temu and it wasn’t any good. That may or may not be true.

Tbh if the business hits and I never worried for so long, that w be the pièce de la resistance

The Pièce de la Resistance

It’s eight pm, Ima have coffee or Matcha soon; maybe some CBD also

I feel like I got there, kid consciousness; kinda. It w like all judgement w out of my mind and I w able to exist w|o the shame that comes w it. It’s funny how existing w|o judgement is something that I like the most; just like I remember it when I w young; aware that that w be the consciousness that I w feel peak; remembering why it w so f lit to not judge, and it making sense w I w like to go back to that.

Thinking about my hedgehog pathway. W I gonna freak out again bc I felt it w open. I w starting to freak that when I attained, got kid consciousness my life w end, I w no longer have a place in the world I felt. I started to kinda freak out so wondered if that w a thing, that when it opened it led to these massive freak outs; or w is that my medication had been reduced again. These are the only times I remember having these symptoms; kinda odd that. It never happened tho as I w expecting, having to ring the Samaritans, so that’s good. That feeling returning freaks the f out of me tbh, and for there to be two reasons that it a happen, maybe is no bueno; and yet it’s super dope bc how else Ima avoid the pains of getting older and passing out of this world.

That w not the focus and I realised that; being young again just deeming it to be desire and that just being sane again w the goal and the other just wasn’t on my radar for now; like it w wrong or something to be thinking it; realising that for the first time I felt.

My CBD came in the post; kinda feeling scared to have it, bc I had felt like I w losing it last time I had some the next day; after two days of having it actually. I had reasoned that it w just the same as having coffee as that c make me freak out all the same. I remembering kinda having a barista coffee and feeling like Ima die right after; remembering feeling so unsafe like hella after having a good toke of CBD; that never happened after the little toot that I had had tho, the full spectrum hitting much better and me listening to some of the old music I had been into like thirty years ago; and it sounding totally the same, giving me reassurance that I w really heading back to that consciousness.

It w rly just a time of not feeling f up ever; feeling that I never ripped and that my consciousness w stable all the time. This may have been a lie of nostalgia, tho bc I may have been ripped my whole youth as my mind didn’t work properly as I feel I w dissociated the whole time and couldn’t listen to what people said bc of being so dumb I feel; just like when I w super upset and beside myself, the same inability to hear w people were saying; pretty f up.

I guess being ripped in kid consciousness is much better than actually able to function super well as an adult, Idek. No I couldn’t function I feel tho at least I felt alright, kinda.

Still not able to tell myself that it w abuse, only able to tell myself that it may have been abuse. That’s rly my swan song for lately, always telling myself that Idk whether something w true or not for all the things that I thought that may have been judgements. It kept me from judgement rips where I w go down a spiral, leading to feeling upset for hours, I feel.

Thinking about sex and w it just people getting off on their judgements towards the other gender, feeling sexier the more I w a bigot I feel, in this imagined reality; a total mash and like I said just chalked that Idk whether that w so or not. Feeling no more that people wanted me to the degree of gooning super duper hard and me feeling threatened over that. It felt like no one w pay me a second look and I liked it so much feeling free from the fear for what felt like the first time.

To Feeling Safe From Gooners

It’s six pm, I just had coffee

My day w interesting; people saying a lot of sh that w a challenge to deal w; tho I did. I w upset for a little while in the morning tho the rest of the day went pretty good. Something also happened a bit later tho it didn’t bother me too much. It’s like w Rin says, when she is @ home by herself, she calms down pretty fast.

And realising rly the value of not judging people; and seeing that when I w a kid there w a reason that I never judged anyone I feel; and why sanity seems to stem from that. It all makes a lot of sense rn; or at least it did earlier when it rly hit me.

Feeling that there are two ways to go; having a go at people when they say sh that feels bad, and just dealing. I feel that one strengthens the number of Neurones and the other reduces them, bc not that much of the mind is needed when there is like a way of stopping that from happening, I feel.

Aware that I c lose it all by starting to judge people, and rly owning that I want to not judge anymore, bc that w keep me safe from that. That’s w being a kid w all about, never wanting to judge anyone; that’s w I’m gunning for, hopefully, I feel.

The business is on hold as it is the Sabbath today. Had Croquet and got on w the people better. It seems easier when I don’t judge and rly being confused as to how, why that works for people and it doesn’t work for me. I guess I just wanna get younger and that’s how I deal. Hoping that my body starts regenerating.

At the same time I vibe w older people and younger people alike. C it be true that people who judge don’t get on w younger people if they are older or the younger don’t get on w the older. I feel it allows me to get on w pretty much anyone; tho Ik what abuse feels like and there are certain situations that I don’t want to be part of; also having every single homeless person asking me for money is something that never worked for me and I felt it w dangerous.

I just tried to take my curtain down w is a sheet pinned to the wall; it wouldn’t come, so I left it

Just had to grab anything I c today. There w no way to come home and get lunch. Ima hope to get some veg later and get some nutrition in that way. I must get some garlic.

Definitely handling more these days, tho people just seem to say more and more, constantly playing catch up. I suppose this is accelerating me.

I kinda wondered if when, I felt like I w gonna die all the time, it w bc my hedgehog pathway w opening; bc that w mean that I never have to go back to feeling like that as long as I keep the commandments and don’t regress; wondering heavily if I w given placebo tablets, bc those feelings only come when my meds are reduced I feel. I c be on one mg rn bc I don’t feel that I am off it. Also the freak outs only happened once, w w mean that the dose w only reduced once.

I guess a psychiatrist w be allowed to give placebo w|o telling me if I w addicted to the medication and I feel I w and my psychiatrist also told me that she thought so too. I w reassured that that wasn’t happening tho that c have been total horse sh.

To Dealing W More

It’s two pm, Ima have Matcha and CBD at six

I wanna do like ten minutes of housework today, so that it brings me up to the amount I feel Ima do. Idk. I feel like tidying the kitchen. The worktops look a bit lacklustre.

I just rang the Samaritans. I feel Ima hold too much in. I feel tho it’s a mistake to share more than I’m comfortable sharing. I guess there’s a balance somewhere there. I feel better for sharing. Like I’ve said before, when I hold too much in, I feel that I hallucinate that Ima die. So it’s just preventing that from happening rly. Ima only take so much I am only human, I feel.

That’s a lesson that I’ve really learned this year. People have been sharing so much of w has been going on w them I just understand that it’s okay to have boundaries and get stuff out, I feel; that bc I care about myself it’s okay for me to look after myself physically and emotionally.

I see my psychiatrist soon so feel that I w tell her everything; that there’s no risk in that.

I feel scared a lot and just put it down to another peril; tho like I say I must take care of myself by sharing w is going on w me. It’s kinda just allowed me to have things in perspective. I guess life is tough sometimes and it is w it is.

When people share I feel it allows me to get to k them much better; whether they are online or my friends. Like I say, it rly has taught me how to value myself, I feel. I guess when Ima rly k them, Ima not put myself through something that they w just never want me to be dealing w; and also that, unfortunately people suffer things mostly that they are wholly, totally unable to do anything about.

In Other News

Ima get some of the ALDI Doctor Pepper. I remember liking it when I w a kid. It’s super cheap as is their cola. Ima hope that OhStella is on tonight. I feel that she may go live at 6pm EST, so that’s eleven, or Pacific

I feel bat sh crazy rn, tho sane at the same time. This has never happened before; except for like yesterday. I felt crazy as a cucumber and that that w totally normal. It w an odd feeling; me just making peace w my full on insanity, I felt.

Also.. I may be losing it. I felt like people were all like.. like the walls were closing in and people were just gonna start staring at me and gooning the f out. This happened before and I had a relapse. It just got worse and worse I feel until I broke. Ima not need that sh starting up again. I may need to stop the CBD. The thing is tho is that, caffeine is mondo bad for me also so it’s rly swings and roundabouts I feel.

To Sharing Tho Not Freaking

It’s seven pm, Ima have coffee at midnight

I have been working on the page. I feel Ima narrow it down to like the first paragraph in the Mechanism section. I need to ask 5.5 if it’s too strong for my Taylor style. I also saw a place on my chat, where it said that there is one thing that a make the page exceptional; I need to look at that.

I’ve excluded all the other screenshots that I took of the chat and am able to just get on w it now unfettered, undistracted.

Ima be having CBD in the evenings. I make myself some Matcha and then smoke some. I have some Bubblegum coming tomorrow w is my favourite. I feel that Ima only have it when I get home. I w listening to some old music; White Zombie; AstroCreep and Welcome to Planet MF. I used to love these albums when I w like twenty, maybe nineteen. There w so much music that I liked.

I found a new ASMR; she is just called Sophie. The tingles are strong w this one. I wanted to tell her, as she is a new creator, tho I didn’t want to be like a little off or whatever.

I never went to Croquet today. I w walking down and just felt like Ima not make it so turned back. It scored high on empathy tho meant I missed my friends. I went to Hampton first. I had enough time to get lunch before going w w good and I had like half an hour to just chill.

Tbh I feel like I am young again; tho it is just like being twenty; w is good bc Ima enjoy the music in the way I did back then. I just feel I need a little more to get under that barrier into my teens.

Tbh I had lost it at that age due to unhealthy living; even before that. I remember one time I w standing near my school field and just realised that I had lost it. I felt that I w never get it back again and it w super depressing and sad, I felt. I guess it’s okay to get it back together at my age; better late than never right. Tbh I don’t feel that anyone else has. I have never k of anyone who has gotten their youth consciousness back. C I be the first; well Ima damn straight be the first; has anyone ever heard of anyone who has become kinda immortal; such a thing has never existed; and to feel that it is just possible by following J’s commandments and sticking w it through everything; like all along it w written long ago how to do it and it isn’t that complicated I feel. I guess the thing of it is is that no one ever had proof that these commandments work. That’s w I w to do for people. Ik that there are people out there who don’t want to grow up, I feel. I w like to give them the tools to stem the haemorrhage of youth life force, I feel. It w have been much easier for me had I just followed them right out my teens. I feel I w never have transitioned to adult consciousness and it’s consummate, typical loss of Neurones.

I am shocked by the loss of Neurones that accompanies, goes w people who hit forty; tho I feel that I have been sprouting them like f magic mushrooms for a long time now. There is no living person who c have told me that, I feel and how to prevent it.

Tbh the effects of following J’s commandments have been way beyond my wildest dreams; so far, and I honestly w like to see it through to one hundo youth I feel; lucky to remember how good it w, my memory returning of the times I spent as a younger person and becoming more and more aware of the truth of that as I progress, continue. Out of Town that little book have so much power I feel.

To J