Hey
It’s eight pm, Ima have coffee or Matcha soon; maybe some CBD also
I feel like I got there, kid consciousness; kinda. It w like all judgement w out of my mind and I w able to exist w|o the shame that comes w it. It’s funny how existing w|o judgement is something that I like the most; just like I remember it when I w young; aware that that w be the consciousness that I w feel peak; remembering why it w so f lit to not judge, and it making sense w I w like to go back to that.
Thinking about my hedgehog pathway. W I gonna freak out again bc I felt it w open. I w starting to freak that when I attained, got kid consciousness my life w end, I w no longer have a place in the world I felt. I started to kinda freak out so wondered if that w a thing, that when it opened it led to these massive freak outs; or w is that my medication had been reduced again. These are the only times I remember having these symptoms; kinda odd that. It never happened tho as I w expecting, having to ring the Samaritans, so that’s good. That feeling returning freaks the f out of me tbh, and for there to be two reasons that it a happen, maybe is no bueno; and yet it’s super dope bc how else Ima avoid the pains of getting older and passing out of this world.
That w not the focus and I realised that; being young again just deeming it to be desire and that just being sane again w the goal and the other just wasn’t on my radar for now; like it w wrong or something to be thinking it; realising that for the first time I felt.
My CBD came in the post; kinda feeling scared to have it, bc I had felt like I w losing it last time I had some the next day; after two days of having it actually. I had reasoned that it w just the same as having coffee as that c make me freak out all the same. I remembering kinda having a barista coffee and feeling like Ima die right after; remembering feeling so unsafe like hella after having a good toke of CBD; that never happened after the little toot that I had had tho, the full spectrum hitting much better and me listening to some of the old music I had been into like thirty years ago; and it sounding totally the same, giving me reassurance that I w really heading back to that consciousness.
It w rly just a time of not feeling f up ever; feeling that I never ripped and that my consciousness w stable all the time. This may have been a lie of nostalgia, tho bc I may have been ripped my whole youth as my mind didn’t work properly as I feel I w dissociated the whole time and couldn’t listen to what people said bc of being so dumb I feel; just like when I w super upset and beside myself, the same inability to hear w people were saying; pretty f up.
I guess being ripped in kid consciousness is much better than actually able to function super well as an adult, Idek. No I couldn’t function I feel tho at least I felt alright, kinda.
Still not able to tell myself that it w abuse, only able to tell myself that it may have been abuse. That’s rly my swan song for lately, always telling myself that Idk whether something w true or not for all the things that I thought that may have been judgements. It kept me from judgement rips where I w go down a spiral, leading to feeling upset for hours, I feel.
Thinking about sex and w it just people getting off on their judgements towards the other gender, feeling sexier the more I w a bigot I feel, in this imagined reality; a total mash and like I said just chalked that Idk whether that w so or not. Feeling no more that people wanted me to the degree of gooning super duper hard and me feeling threatened over that. It felt like no one w pay me a second look and I liked it so much feeling free from the fear for what felt like the first time.
To Feeling Safe From Gooners
K
