accio cupcakes!

And there are pics from someone who had surgery with him who’s nonbinary and had RFF phalloplasty with a scrotoplasty but no vaginectomy, no urethral lengthening, nerve hookup but no “clitoral” (their term) burial into their dick. That’s really interesting - I’ve never seen those options together before, only heard about them. That’s not what I want, but it’s really interesting to see – especially seeing someone specifically nonbinary who’s had phalloplasty, I haven’t seen that before.

Anyway, the more I look at these different phalloplasty photos, and other phalloplasty pics of O’Brien-Coon’s – and some other phalloplasty pics – and think about it, and what I see in my head when I think about the body I need, I have a feeling I’m gonna end up going for phalloplasty – but who the fuck knows.

I definitely am gonna see about setting up a consultation with O’Brien-Coon sometime this year.

i still haven’t gotten around to calling surgeons because i don’t have the money for surgeries, i still don’t feel sure enough about what surgery exactly i want, i’m not in the shape i want to be in exactly, and i’ve had other things in my life that took priority.

i moved back to my dad’s last week though for a few different reasons, and he lives out in the middle of nowhere in a small rural town where i partly grew up. i’m stealth here (have been since i think not long after i started T in 2004), and being stealth specifically in such a small, rural area makes me even more conscious of my body dysphoria, more anxious, etc. than i already was basically every fucking day. i’ve packed while sleeping for days since i got here, which i don’t usually do.

READ!! THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE!!!! (This is all I have!!)

My health is actually failing. I’m not being dramatic when I say I could die If I don’t get the medical help I need.

I suffer from chronic illnesses (a rare version of MTHFR HOMOZYGOUS, HIT, DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS, AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE + more) and I am disabled and trans. I am jobless due to my illnesses and I am currently without any necessary resources to survive, be healthy, stable, or safe..

I have a rare blood clotting disease that causes me to be at the HIGHEST RISK possible to have a heart attack, aneurysm, or stroke. This disease has also resulted in multiple major surgeries, and countless other major procedures that have left me with debilitating chronic pain and other disabilities (limited use of my dominate arm, and even tasks like sweeping leave my arms in immense pain). I have two stints in my chest keeping my main vein open to my right arm so the blood can flow to it. And it still has trouble flowing back which causes swelling and excruciating pain in my arm. The main vein in my chest has been patched and dissected from a vein from my thigh because the veins in my right arm and chest are so damaged they weren’t able to save much. I had to get a rib removed because it was pinching my vein and causing clotting during which damaged a lot of muscles in my chest and shoulder causing even more chronic pain. They also wired my chest shut.

So I NEED to have access to good health care. I’m chronically ill with horrible and scary diseases. I’ve already almost died three times, and have been on my death bed twice.. I’m in and out of hospitals constantly, they don’t have the resources to help. I NEED HELP. I NEED TO LEAVE AND MOVE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE!!! Please fucking help me!! Boost my links, donate whatever! I’m grateful for anything !!

I DON’T WANT TO DIE I’ve been fighting for my life since I was 16. I’m taking my health seriously and using the little bit of energy that I have to get shit done.

I’m honestly only asking for the bare minimum of what I need to move, and for rent…

I’m trying to move to Colorado to escape (my abuser and stalker that I have a really traumatic history with. Violence and including assaults) I’m stuck in my hometown right now in northern MN. Where I’m at right now IS NOT safe for me and I NEED to leave..

My friend in Colorado has a place that I can move into ASAP, I just need first and last months rent. I have to move this month or she has to find a different roommate because of her own financial situation, so this is my ONE and only lucky chance!! I NEED to move to Colorado for access to better health care (to keep me alive), and for my own safety.. This is VITAL for my health (mentally and physically).

PLEASE DONATE OR BOOST MY LINKS!!!

NOW IS THE TIME TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT AND BE AN ALLY !! ALSO PLEASE READ AND SHARE MY STORY/LINKS!! REPOST, & REBLOG!! Copy and paste my links & story & share on ALL your social media’s (twitter, Facebook, tumblr and Instagram!!!!) it helps me so much !

USING PayPal/Venmo IS A DIRECT WAY TO HELP ME!!

https://www.paypal.me/YvesOrage

https://www.paypal.me/YvesOrage

https://venmo.com/code?user_id=2272988271476736476

everyone who encounters this

STOP SCROLLING

So, my good friend Jo is really, really sick with late stage Lyme Disease, hasn’t been able to get much better with treatments so far, and doesn’t have the money to keep up with their medical stuff. Their health has declined rapidly even just over the past year, and it’s really scary. They super need money, but if you can’t donate, please please please reblog & signal boost this!! Thanks <3

Also idk yet what’s up with how the info on the fundraiser is written (haven’t heard back from Jo about that yet), but Jo’s name is Jo, they use they/them pronouns, they’re nonbinary. Don’t misgender my friend, k thanks.

Yves seriously needs help right now so if y'all can go to his bio on his profile & go to the link & share that and donate if possible, that’d help him. He’s a chronically ill trans guy & lost his job because he’s ill, he can’t afford his rent now & could be homeless next week, he can’t afford the meds he needs to survive with a rare blood clotting disorder, he’s got doctors appointments he needs to get to, etc. You can donate here: http://www.paypal.me/YvesOrage

Had an appointment with a physical medicine & rehab (PM&R) doc (a resident) at an inconveniently-located hospital in the city yesterday. Yesterday was my first day using my crutches in the city also. And I was so incredibly anxious from the election result of fucking Voldemort (trump) that not only did my Lamictal tremor feel worse, but pretty much my entire body was just shaking with anxiety. I couldn’t take more valerian root (herb that can calm anxiety) than my usual one capsule per morning because I’d also already taken Neurontin, and they both can make me drowsy. I took my medium-small backpack with my planner and a notebook and so on in it, and it was awkward getting that off and on, and trying to lean my forearm crutches against walls or across chairs in ways so that they wouldn’t fall over. 

Some of the first things that happened at the outpatient PM&R unit was, when I still had my crutches on and the receptionist tried to give me too many things at once to carry back to my chair (which was only a few feet away, but still, c’mon) and the pen started rolling off the clipboard and I couldn’t grab all the papers and my ID and insurance card at once, an older woman came over and told me to sit down and she’d hand me the clipboard and pen, and took it away, without me asking for someone else’s help. I mean, it was ultimately nice of her, but she should have thought to ask if I needed help – I could have (and was going to) just put a bunch of the stuff down and slide the pen under the clip so it wouldn’t fall. I just put my crutches against the wall, put my backpack down, and the woman handed me the stuff. I filled out all the patient intake forms as easily as I usually do, if not more easily, since I’m used to this, and gave the clipboard and forms back to the receptionist. She looked and me and smiled and said in a babying voice, “Good job!” as if I’d performed some monumental task. UGH. I’m not a fucking child, asshat.

I was not very impressed with the PM&R doc. Actually, there were two, both residents, which means they’re still new to being doctors. I’ll call them Resident #1 (my new doctor) and Resident #2 (his coworker). At least Resident #2 was pretty funny and easier and to engage with because he seemed warmer personality-wise. I had to take Resident #1 down a notch and put him in his place in relation to me toward the end of my appointment and it felt really, really good to allow myself that confrontation and for me to come out on top. Still exhausting though.

[cut for length… very long] TL;DR at the end!

this is the first time in my life that i’ve ever had any real diagnosis regarding my brain injury and its effect on my legs and left arm.

it’s incredibly validating, especially since i stumbled upon PVL (periventricular leukomalacia) back in the springtime just googling my type of brain injury + chronic pain + premature birth, or something like that, and knew that everything fit, and that it tends to lead to CP.

really fucking validating and relieving that that’s what it is and (assuming my MRI confirms PVL as opposed to some other thing) that it’s nothing progressive.