mmy title

so many recipes just assume the average american has access to a gas powered turbo blender used to destroy concrete for some reason. instead of like. one that struggles with bananas that are too cold

My Very Punctual Wife Gets My Night Worm can also be used to remember the order of the planets in the solar system!

Mercury Venus Pearth Wars Goopiter Maturn Nuranus Weptune

She maturn on my pearth til I goopiter

remember in p.e. when they'd take a bunch of insecure teenagers & be like "today we're going to play basketball" and then not teach you how to play basketball. and then put you in a group with guys who were obsessed with basketball and would get mad at you for not knowing how to play basketball. why did they do that

so many people don't understand how abelist it is to kill your brother with a rock

i turn my clamification dial to 100% & the capital of the netherlands becomes clamsterdam. i turn it to 200% & it becomes clamsterclam

what’s that noise. 

sounds like a bunch of rocks hitting each other

i’m going to check

the……. gargoyles…. I think they were……. no, it couldn’t be….

i don’t understand how anything works i just walk through life terrified

[so horny my penis is whistling like a tea kettle] what? i cant hear you over my penis

thank god complaining is free #mycomplaints

i ca;nt bleiev clowns r real.;;; wha tthe fuck….

DID YOU JUST DISCOVER MIRRORS?

SHUT UP!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love when museums have near exact replicas of their displayed objects for you to buy. haha 15th century ceramic cup you are in my possession

My mom likes to say “Not my circus, not my monkeys, but I do know the clowns.”

cats are so weird. like hi freak on the table…!! are you hungry or just want to be tall

I both want to experience everything life has to offer and never leave my house ever again