roma

so, I've been abused by my childhood best friend father. i was nine. his house. a sleepover me and my friend. we were both sleeping in couch and he come to the living room and send my friend away. only me and him on the couch.

sticky couch, sticky face, fingers, my first dissociation experience. the television was on, and there was this movie with so, so much fire. the room was exploding in orange tones.

I've had good people around. I've recovered. and we decided I'd report him. I was ten to eleven when all i did was psychological tests, a medical examination to see if my hymen was intact (it was, and I feel the doctor fingers in my cunt till today, worst pain of my life).

April 2018, I was fourteen, they called me and him to the court. J. I'll call him by his initial. J brought with him all his family and that fucking lawyer. I was being defended my the state, so I didn't have a lawyer. the judge was a man. I was alone in a trial room with the judge and the lawyer.

the judge said I had a fertile mind. I was beginning to study feminism and I had a "girl power" shirt. he said "are you seeing too much cartoon? super hero things?".

he asked me if I was a virgin. if I was a lesbian. if I had kissed. they showed me screenshot of my Twitter, my Instagram, of me being a normal teenager, saying I was "vulgar".

they called me crazy, a liar, I was trying to ruin a good man life. he was kinda of a preacher. I had this day, after court, my first anger crisis. i screamed and broke things, layed on floor hurting myself and by the love of the gods, I'd have justice one day.

Last week, my ex psychologist called my mother saying "where are you?"

long story short, Last week, me, with 21 years old, they called for the part two of the trial. plot twist: they called my abuser. but they didn't called me.

I went to the tribunal, alone. and got the news the trial will have a new day. I don't know when. but I'll face him again.

I want him to see me. see the woman I am. my ex therapist said he brought a lot of people to be a kinda of witnesses to tell the judge (that now is a woman) he was a good man.

I'm so scared. so scared to be humiliated again. right now, that my life is so, so cool. I have to face it all again.

the night I was abused, after he did, he whispered to me "pray, pray thanking you it, because you are so, so brave, a brave girl"

and I remember wonder "oh, it's over"