Iâm so burnt out. I talked about it a lot in therapy this last week, how I need to get or ask for or give myself more support/accomodations, how weâre âable toâ keep functioning and talking at work and stuff, but⌠man, I just feel like I need a break. Like I need a vacation or an honest-to-god weekend where I donât have to do anything. Iâve felt like that for a long time, but currently itâs worse than normal.
Iâve thought âthank fuck itâs Fridayâ for the last⌠3 days, at least, and none of those days have been Friday or going into the weekend. (The only reason I remembered today is Thursday is because my coworker, who has some problem processing information/doesnât always understand the processes of things, doesnât work on Thursdays, so itâs generally more chill for me than other days.)
I feel bad for not replying to friends who are replying to my messages or posts I send. âIsnât that why you send them, because you want a response? Donât you want to talk about things with people?â Someone says.
I feel bad for starting conversations and then immediately leaving because I just canât.
I feel like a bad friend for not being able to: do it, to reply, to hold conversations, to finish what I was going to say, to feel like I have any space for other peopleâs hard times or emotions or change in plans. (Is this where the âautâ part of autism comes in? Other than obviously, not engaging with people much, or in the same ways as most people do.)
Meanwhile, even as weâre aware weâre burnt out and need to just not talk to people, when someone sends us a post or replies or something, thereâs a younger seeming part whoâs like âthatâs my friend! I want to be a good friend to them and reply!! I want to make them happy!!â and seems to override the We Canât Keep Doing This(TM) memo.
TKMW is gone this weekendâ work tripâ and so weâve been spending a lot of time on (what I guess you would call) special interests⌠a lot of Club Penguin, and Animal Crossing. It feels really good, and enjoyable, and itâs definitely feeling like itâs âfilling some voidâ or somewhat healing⌠but it feels like weâre not able to stop, almost, even when we want to.
We were hoping and planning to read a lot this weekendâ 4 library books because we always check too many out lolâ- but it feels like thatâs too much brainspace and ânew informationâ to process too.
Some things are making us happy: Club Penguin, and our partner saying nice things, and seeing weird signs, and taking pictures of the sky⌠but it feels like just sparks or partial energy, itâs not enough to refill much of anything for a long time.
And, we miss TKMW a lot and miss cuddling them and are trying to not think about it too much because then we get really sad and lonely.
Posting this here because it feels too ânegativeâ and âvulnerableâ for main. (Also inspired by a friend using their more private sideblog moreâ YKWYA.) Also posting this here because it feels much easier/less emotionally painful than writing or drawing about it on paper.
If youâre reading this and youâve tried to talk to me recently, Iâm⌠sorry about all this. [gestures] hopefully I can reply, but I donât know how much energy itâll take or when Iâll be able to. Considering offloading (not deleting) tumblr so we donât feel tempted to reply to peopleâs messages. If we do (offload tumblr for the time being), we still love you and appreciate you being nice to us. I guess weâll write more when more changes, but this is where things are, and probably will be for a while.
God, I need to figure out a change. Unmasking more or stimming more or talking less or something. And I know I need to do those things, but it doesnât feel like I even canâŚ! I donât know how to! I already donât have energy and already donât like changes and everything just feels so hard!!!