Just a place to collect wha thoughts and art

So like. We’re all agreeing that Qifreys past is a metaphor for CSA right?

Like. Something happened to him that wiped his memories (repression). Something was taken in a way that forever altered his worldview and trust in others (his eye, and his instinctive flinching away from, especially seemingly kind or loving, touch). Something happened to him that effects the way he views his body, his ability to have romantic or close relationships, and his ability to confide in those around him.

I know a lot of people have been comparing it to abuse and neglect, but specifically the metaphor of an alien seed that follows him into adulthood that was implanted in him (specifically in the same location something was taken) is too graphic for me to consider it as anything less than CSA

I just want this to be noted for the modern AUs I’ve been seeing and as an emphasis on how fucked up what happened to him was. His body and mind were violated, seemingly repeatedly, and then he was left for dead. That’s a severely traumatic life event that has shaped everything about his perception of others and himself. The guy has intense symptoms of PTSD that he’s learned to live with.

Can we stop talking about Olly erasing his own memories as something Qifrey has any kind of responsibility for? Like, boy was sobbing and stuck in the tree he was turning into and begging Olly not to do it. He literally did not consent to Olly making this sacrifice.

I really don’t love a lot of the phrasing people are using to describe this situation. I’m seeing a lot of “he made this great sacrifice for Qifrey” and it’s like. No. He didn’t. Olly made that sacrifice for *himself*. Because he couldn’t bear to live on without his best friend. Because *he* needed Qifrey in his life. And Olly KNEW that’s what he was doing. That’s why he warns Qifrey that he’s “in for it” and that this will keep him stressed and guilty for a long time.

I’m not saying that Olly was wrong. I’m glad Qifrey is still here. I’m glad Olly made a decision that was selfish in this moment- his literal only selfish decision we see in the entire manga. Olly isn’t even a selfish person, but Qifrey was *worth* being selfish for.

But I need some people to quit using the memory sacrifice as something that makes Olly a martyr. Yes, the man is a level 9000 yearner. Yes, he’s kind and hardworking and would do anything for Qifrey. But no- this wasn’t *for* Qifrey. This was for himself.

And Qifrey’s decision to follow through on Olly’s plan? That’s a sacrifice in and of itself. Qifrey is stuck in a rock and a hard place and he decides to stay there instead of taking a less painful and more immediate action- and he stays *for Olly*. He has more reasons now, namely the girls and the possibility that there’s other victims out there. But Qifreys decision to keep a promise only he remembers is *for Olly*. He’s alive because *Olly was selfish enough to ask him to stay*.

Olly’s decision to be selfish here is a huge moment that signifies how much he cares about Qifrey. He diverts from his values, from his conditioned need to put others first, because his love for Qifrey was enough to set those down.

But it’s interesting that Olly- the sky’s kindest most radiant star- was the one that came up with the idea to erase his own memories. He was panicked and his best friend was dying in front of him, so I’m not sitting here criticizing him for not thinking of a better solution! I just think that this decision honestly adds a lot to his character.

Olly is almost completely, selflessly kind. He’s a people pleaser at heart- he finds fulfillment in doing things for and helping the people around him. And from what we read of his backstory in the 90+ chapters, he was a gifted child with a large amount of expectations on his shoulders, from others, yes, but especially himself.

Olly operates in a way that makes it seem like he owes it to the world to serve the people in it. He is absolutely kind and hard working and giving to his core.

Which is why I find his reaction in 92-93 so intriguing. If it were anyone else, I would assume this was a kid making a rash and impulsive decision without regarding the long reaching consequences for his friend. But we’re explicitly told that Olly knows that Qifrey is the one that’s “in for it”. He describes the guilt and anxiety and fear that Qifrey will experience on his own with no hesitancy.

And ultimately this is a selfish choice. I don’t mean that in a negative or judgmental way. But this is the first and only (as far as I can remember) self-centered action we’ve seen Olly take-and I love the implications here.

Qifrey wanted to die rather than hurt Olly. He wanted to live, but not at the cost of causing Olly the same trauma he had lived through. And Olly knew. He was there for Qifreys relentless journey to reclaim his memories. He saw exactly how haunted and traumatized his friend was by it. He knew that erasing Olly’s memories would cause Qifrey irreparable harm. And he demanded it of him anyway.

Olly erasing his own memories, Qifrey restrained by the tree and unable to stop him, was a purely selfish decision. -You can’t die because I need you. You have to live like this because I want you by my side til we’re old and gray. You have to bear this alone and you have to promise you won’t give up.- and he trusted Qifrey to fulfill this promise and these needs even knowing the hurt Qifrey would feel.

Olly has spent his whole life, even after the memory erasure spell, prioritizing the needs and wants of other people. But Qifrey is the one and only person he allows himself to be selfish with. And what’s greater than a love like that? One that allows you to set down the burden of kindness and knowing that person will support you through your own needs anyways.

Olly may be Qifreys guiding light, but Qifrey is his home. Where he doesn’t have to be selfless and prioritize everyone else around him. Where he can freely ask for his needs, no matter how inconvenient they might seem, and know that Qifrey will do what he can to help him. There’s a level of deep and long reaching trust there that I can barely wrap my head around.

And Qifrey is fulfilling it! He knows how much Olly is trusting him to take care of, and he’s doing it for him to the best of his ability. He’s keeping a promise only he remembers because he’d seriously never allow himself to break the trust that Olly has given him, even when it’s this painful. And Olly, at that young age, knew that. They know and trust each other so much oh my god.

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