Garden of Illusion @winterwrenren - Tumblr Blog

I made it just in time, it is still before midnight where I am! There was a real concern there but here it is. This chapter is not anywhere near finished, very rough, and ends abruptly so. Fair warning on that. But yeah, without further ado, here's the very rough, not finished next chapter of join me for the night lol

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"He's alive!"

Buck tried to give a glare at Chim's greeting, but he could feel the twitch of his lips giving him away. "Ha ha. I don't want to hear it from someone who didn't even come visit me in the hospital."

"My daughter needed me! Besides, you were fine. You had Eddie, didn't you?" He stepped aside to let Buck through the door of the Grant-Nash household. From the sounds Buck could hear outside, it seemed he and Eddie were the last to arrive.

Well, Eddie was actually still in the car talking to Chris about something that Chris hadn't wanted Buck around for and.

Wait. What did Chimney just say?

Buck stumbled in his steps a little as it registered. He knew Chimney didn't mean he had Eddie like that but the way he said it - "Y-yeah." He cleared his throat, wincing a little at the crack in his voice. He chalked that up to just his still sore throat.

A sore throat he knew he exacerbated in the night. He had woken so many times, he lost track. There was always a scream stuck in his throat and tears in his eyes. What was that line he had heard again? All nightmares start as dreams?

And he was having a wonderful ones at first, with Abby staying with him in his hospital bed after hours. Then Eddie staying with him along with Chris. All of them there, like earlier in the night. The one with just Eddie he was kind of glad to have end.

But no matter what, they all inevitably shifted into -

He cleared his throat again to feel the pain. He needed out of his thoughts. "Where is my lovely niece, anyway? I want Chris to meet her."

Chimney raised his eyebrows at that but thankfully didn't comment on it as he led Buck through to the kitchen. "Last I saw, Athena had her. Good luck getting her away from her and Bobby. Hen's been trying for the last hour."

"Isn't Mads usually able to claim her back?" Buck paused around the brownies set out. He knew he shouldn't eat them - they would be eating dinner soon and he could already see Bobby's face at Buck eating one. But they looked so good, surely one -

"Oh, uh. She isn't here, actually."

That got Buck's attention away from the brownies. "What?"

Chimney wasn't looking at him as he busied himself with... well, really with nothing. He was sort of just staring at the fruit platter laid out on the counter more than anything else. "Yeah, she. She just needed some time alone, I think."

There was more he wasn't saying there. Buck was trying to give Maddie her space, but he was becoming worried. She was definitely isolating more. He carefully said, "Oh. She's - I mean. She's okay though. Right?"

"Yeah, yeah! Definitely!" Though Chimney rushed to reassure him, eyes snapping up to meet Buck's, there was something... shady behind his eyes. Downturned, maybe. Guarded, definitely.

Chimney was never good at keeping secrets. But it was obvious he didn't want to betray Maddie's trust, which Buck could respect. So he gently asked, "You would tell me if I needed to worry, right?"

Chim's shoulders slumped, his eyes once again flitting away from Buck's. "I would. I'm worried but. I think I can still handle it."

"Okay. You know I'm here if you need me. I'm worried about her, of course, but you haven't looked the greatest either, Chim."

"Ouch." Chim laughed but there was something hollow behind it. He gave Buck a small smile. "Thanks, Buck. But I'm okay, really. And so is she. We're gonna work it out."

Buck wanted to press more - What did they have to work out? - but he decided to give Chimney a break. Instead, he nudged him a bit with his elbow. "Hope you didn't have those bags in the picture you submitted to Smoldering Nights."

"Even with my bags, I'll still beat you easy." Chim nudged him back, sticking out his tongue at him like that mature adult he was. Buck stuck his tongue out back, like the mature adult he also was.

So of course that was when Eddie walked in.

"Wow. Now I get what Hen meant about you two needing a guardian."

"She did not say that!" Chimney squawked, shooting a betrayed look first at Eddie, then out the sliding glass door to Hen.

Hen, as if sensing Chimney looking at her, shot him a confused look in reply. Buck doubted she would be getting up anytime soon though as it seemed she finally managed to snatch away a sleeping Jee. There was a little girl, quiet at the table between Hen and Karen, but her gaze was focused intently on Jee as she whispered something to Karen.

That must be Mara.

Buck wanted to meet her, and wanted Chris to meet all of the kids who were on the other side of the yard from the adults, gathered around in a circle around May. Buck smiled a little to himself as he saw how happy May, Harry, Denny, and Nia all looked. He wanted Chris to join that wonderful group of kids. He wanted Mara to join in too.

Though, actually -

Buck tore his gaze away from the kids to scan Eddie. No little face behind his legs this time. "Where's Chris?"

Eddie's smile dropped as he rubbed the back of his neck. "He doesn't want to come in. He's feeling really overwhelmed. I might just take him home."

"What?" Eddie shrugged at Buck, a little helpless. Buck felt a little helpless too, not really thinking as he asked, "Can I talk to him?"

Eddie looked a little surprised at that, but he recovered quickly. "Yeah, actually. It might help, he seemed to really click with you."

Buck nodded, determindedly heading back towards the front door. "I think once he gets past his fear, he's gonna click with everyone else, too." He threw a grin over his shoulder at Eddie along with a wave at Chim. "We'll be back in a sec!"

He saw Chimney's thumbs up in response right before he exited the front door.

Buck could see Chris, sitting in the car, staring straight ahead with headphones on. Buck slowed his steps, wanting to approach slowly so as not to scare him. He tried to knock on the window as gently as he could but Chris still ended up jumping. He relaxed when he saw it was Buck, even beginning to smile a little. Only to probably remember he was supposed to be upset. He crossed his arms and fell back into his seat as Buck opened the door. He crouched down next to Chris, taking note of the cartoon playing on the ipad in his lap.

"Avengers? Are you over DC?"

Chris shook his head but didn't say anything else.

"So you still want to be Superman for Halloween?"

A nod this time but still no words.

"I was thinking of going as Krypto."

That got a slight giggle.

Like father, like son, Buck couldn't help but think fondly. They could both just be so stubborn.

"You don't think I should go as Krypto? I think I still have dog ears from a Scooby costume I did a while back."

"Scooby and Krypto are not the same type of dog, that wouldn't work." Buck blinked at Chris before slowly turning to stare up at Eddie, who was standing behind him. At Buck's look, Eddie shrugged. "What? They're not."

"Who's side are you on here, Edwina?"

Eddie - predictably - got that adorable little happy smile he always got with their game along with a huff of a laugh. Buck loved that it always worked. It seemed to work on the younger Diaz too though as he heard a quiet voice ask, "Edwina?"

Buck turned back to Chris, smiling when he saw his wide eyes staring right at Buck. "You don't think your dad looks like an Edwina?"

Chris scrunched up his face and shook his head again. "Daddy looks like a daddy."

Do not make a joke. Do not do it, Eddie will be so annoyed - "Hear that, Eds? You look like a daddy." And of course he wiggled his eyebrows with that statement, too. He had to.

Eddie was annoyed, just as Buck knew he would be. But his cheeks went that rosy pink that Buck was obsessed with so he decided it was worth it. Even with Eddie's happy smile dropping into a scowl as he rolled his eyes. "Buck."

He held up his hands at the warning tone in Eddie's voice. "I was just repeating what Chris said."

"Yeah, Daddy. Why are you using the tone that you use when you're mad at me?" He blinked big innocent eyes up at his father. Buck had to hide a laugh with a cough. "Are you mad at Buck? He didn't do anything, Daddy, don't be mad at him!"

"Yeah, Eddie. Don't be mad at me." Buck blinked his eyes up at Eddie much more obnoxiously than Chris had.

Eddie sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "I'm suddenly regretting my life choices."

"No you aren't," Buck said confidently, waving Eddie off over his shoulder and focusing back on Chris. Chris, who seemed to delight in his father's misery as much as Buck because he had a little smile on his face. Buck seized his chance. "While your dad continues to be ridiculous, you wanna come inside with me? There's brownies in there."

"Brownies?" Buck could see Chris was tempted despite himself, looking at Buck then the house then back at Buck. "There are a lot of people in there, huh?"

"Yeah, kinda. But they're all really nice. I know they would love to meet you."

Chris still looked torn, but Buck could tell he was wearing him down. "They're nice?"

"The nicest." Buck smiled the biggest reassuring smile he could. "And if you want, you can just hang out with me and your dad. You already know we're tons of fun."

"Well. You are," Chris replied emphatically.

Buck burst out laughing at that while Eddie scoffed and huffed with a hand over his heart. "Shot through the heart by my own child. You wound me, mijo."

"Woo-d?" Chris repeatedly slowly.

"Wound. It means to hurt someone," Buck explained, clearing his throat. The laughing made it all scratchy again and he could really use some water. But he didn't want to leave Chris, not when he was so sure he almost had him convinced to come inside.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Daddy!" Chris looked genuinely panicked at that which Buck thought was the sweetest thing. This kid was just a sweetheart.

Eddie smiled at his son, reaching around Buck to ruffle his hair. "You didn't, it's okay. I was just being silly."

"Oh." Chris nodded like that was serious, important information to retain. Then, he turned to Buck and said just as seriously, "That's why you're fun. Daddy's just weird."

Oof. Eddie just couldn't catch a break. Buck laughed again, even with it hurting his throat. "You're right, Superman, he really is." His voice was starting to become gravely as well. He coughed a little bit, hoping that would help.

Eddie seemed to realize what was happening as he patted Buck on the back a few times. "Yup, I'm weird so why don't we head inside and I can bother everyone else with my weirdness while you two hang out. Does that sound good, Chris?"

Chris bit his lip in thought again. Buck tried to hold back his coughs but they were starting to escape no matter what he did. He didn't want to leave Chris but he might end up having to -

"I still want you to hang out, too, Daddy."

Eddie smiled at his son and man. If Buck wasn't dying, he would just sit and stare at the expression of just pure love that made evident the care Eddie had for his son. "Whatever you want, mijo."

With that, Buck moved out of the way, now fully coughing as Eddie helped Chris out of his truck and handed him his crutches. Eddie ushered them as quickly as he could into the house, throwing concerned looks at Buck with each cough.

It annoyed Buck but also warmed him to know someone cared about him so much. It was like how he felt with Maddie when he thought she was hovering too much. Which was why he didn't want to do the same, and annoy her too much with his concern. He knew how much that had pushed him away in the past. He didn't want Maddie to do the same. Even if she was already doing that, shutting him out -

Buck was jolted out of his thoughts when a cold cup was shoved into his hands. He blinked down at the water before giving Eddie a grateful look and beginning to gulp it down. It was soothing along his throat, cooling and numbing at once. He filled back up the cup once he was done while Eddie got Chris some brownies and fruit on a plate.

Then, they made their way outside.

The kids now appeared to be playing some form of freeze tag while Mara was nowhere to be seen. And Bobby had gotten Jee back from Hen. The baby was now awake, bouncing in his lap as Athena helped to feed her some mashed up fruits.

As Buck and Eddie began heading over to the table where all the adults were, Chris walked a little behind them, peeking out around them to watch the kids.

Buck hoped they could get him comfortable enough to go play.

"He's alive!" Bobby jokingly called.

"I made that joke already, get your own." Chimney flicked a grape at Bobby.

Which immediately earned him the ire of Athena. "I know you aren't throwing food at my table."

Chim sheepishly shrunk down a little in his seat. "Sorry. Won't happen again."

Athena didn't say anything, just gave him one last look before turning back to Jee. Her whole demeanor shifted as she grinned at the baby. "Your daddy doesn't know respect, does he? No, he doesn't!" She tickled Jee's stomach, eliciting giggles.

"Don't trash talk me to my daughter! Cap! Back me up here!"

Bobby just continued bouncing Jee on his lap. "I'm not getting involved." As if to prove his non-involvement, he turned his sights on Buck. "How are you doing, kid?"

"Throat's a little sore, but besides that." He shrugged a little and then, something occured to him. "It was weird when you didn't show up to the hospital, though. I heard you couldn't be reached?"

Bobby and Athena both stiffened up in their seats, with Bobby blushing a little and Athena avoiding everyone's eyes. Bobby cleared his throat a little awkwardly. "We'll talk about it later." His eyes flashed to Chris and oh.

It wasn't safe for little ears to hear.

They were definitely talking about it later.

From the look on Eddie's face, he had pieced it together too, both him and Buck sharing a smirk. Eddie laughed a little before whispering something to Chris. Once he got a nod, Eddie wrapped an arm around his shoulders and quietly said, "Go ahead, mijo."

Chris picked up his plastic fork and banged it against the side of the plastic cup. While the sound was dull, it still got everyone's attention with how hard he banged it. He blushed a little as he put the fork back down before bravely looking up. With only a slight shake of his voice, he said, "My name is Chris, I'm six years old, and my favorite dessert is my abuela's tres leches cake. She puts fruit on it."

Chimney immediately responded, "Diaz, you have access to tres leches cake and you haven't brought it in?"

"I just started three days ago." Eddie reminded with a slight smirk. Buck didn't think a smirk should ever look that hot.

He decided it was fine if he acknowledged Eddie's hotness. Friends can accept their friend is hot without it meaning anything else.

During the night, when he was trying desperately not to fall asleep, he thought - hoped - that thinking of Eddie would keep him awake. All it really did was stir up a lot of emotions he really didn't want to face in the harsh light of the day.

But one thing he could face that he decided was okay, was the Eddie was a handsome man.

He was hot when he smirked. That one little strand of hair hanging on his forehead was hot. He had such a nice ass and -

Anyway. Point was, he could acknowledge that his friend was hot. That was fine.

It was fine and there was absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it so why did he feel so guilty about it -

"What's your favorite dessert, Buck?"

Chris's question knocked Buck - thankfully - away from that train of thought. Everyone was staring at him expectantly, so it seemed the table at large had already been asked. He shook his head a little to dispel the lingering guilt burning at the back of his throat. Or maybe he just needed some more water. He drank some before answering. "That's a tough one. I've recently gotten into baking so I've been trying a lot of desserts."

"You bake?" Eddie's eyes lit up like Buck had just told him he won the lottery.

"Daddy has a huge sweet tooth." Chris rolled his eyes as he said it which was always a hilarious thing to see small children do. Like he was just so over the whole thing. "Mommy says if he wasn't so dis-ip-lined he would just eat a bag of sugar."

"Disciplined, mijo." Eddie smiled at Chris as he ruffled his hair before blinking as if just processing what he actually said. "She said that?" He looked and sounded so genuinely offended, Buck couldn't help but laugh.

"She did also tell me not to say that." Chris sounded unbothered, though as he went back to staring at the kids.

Hen was the one who ultimately nudged him along. "You should go ask their favorite desserts. I know Den will happily give you a list."

Chris looked back and forth between Hen and the kids, biting his lip in thought. Finally, he looked up at Eddie who smiled and gently prodded him. "You can go if you want, Chris. I'm sure they're more fun than us."

"Speak for yourself, I'm so much fun." Chim sniffed a little, which had Karen laughing next to him.

At some point, she had managed to get Jee away from Bobby and Athena. The baby now looked about two seconds from passing out, blinking sleepily up at Karen. Karen smiled back down at her as she bounced her a little. "Your daddy loves to delude himself, huh?"

"Why does everyone want to give my daughter the worst impression of me! Cap!"

"I honestly do not know what you expect me to do." Bobby shook his head as he got up from the table, presumably to start grabbing the hamburger from inside to grill.

Buck rolled his eyes, sharing a smile with Chris. "See, us adults are weird. You'll have a lot more fun with the kids. And we're right here if you need us."

Chris nodded, still a little unsure as he stood. Buck and Eddie watched as he made his way over to the kids. They were too far away to really hear what was being said, but as expected, within no time, Chris was joining in on their game, which now appeared to be hide and seek.

Buck saw Eddie's shoulders drop in relief. Buck reached out, laying a hand on Eddie's shoulder and squeezing. Eddie smiled back at him, laying a hand over his and squeezing back.

"Hey, kid. Mind helping me with these burgers?"

Buck looked over to see Bobby now standing by the grill, staring back at him. Buck nodded, gave Eddie one last squeeze, then stood to head over.

They were quiet as they worked together on the outdoor patio kitchen. Bobby was shaping the meat into patties, then passing them off to Buck to season. It wasn't until the burgers were sizzling away on the grill that Bobby said in what he probably thought was a casual way, "So. You and Eddie, huh?"

Buck carefully avoided his eyes, focusing on the melting cheese on top of the patties. "What about me and Eddie?" He sounded more defensive than he honestly meant.

"You two knew each other. It was obvious from that first day."

And here Buck thought they were being subtle.

"You said his name as soon as you saw him."

Right. He had done that. He had kind of hoped everyone forgot about that. He bit his lip, thinking over his words. Did he really want to admit that he - "Eddie and I had a one night stand."

"Stop calling it that."

That's what it was. And no, he was not going to having a fight again with the imaginary Eddie in his head. Though, he couldn't stop himself from sneaking a glance over his shoulder at Eddie who stared back at him a little confused.

Shit. Could Eddie read thoughts now?

No, that was ridiculous. He needed to stop thinking insane thoughts, Bobby was talking.

Shit. Bobby was talking.

"...so long as you keep it professional but I just don't want to see either of you hurt. And I know you're with Abby now, which just adds another factor."

Buck coughed a little, wishing he had brought his water over with him. "Yeah, we worked it out, Cap. I know what I'm doing."

Bobby stared at him for a beat longer before nodding. "Okay. I trust you. Now let's get the asparagus going while you set up the burger station."

Buck felt so grateful to have Bobby.

He felt grateful for the whole 118, feeling more than content as he glanced around the backyard. Everyone eating, laughing, enjoying themselves. Hen and Chim were arguing about the 'correct' perfect burger. Karen still had Jee in her arms, who was now fully asleep. Karen skillfully ate around the sleeping baby, talking to Athena about childcare, it sounded like. Bobby and Eddie were talking about some baseball game or another. Chris was now fully enmeshed with the kids, laughing loudly as they ate together.

The only one missing -

Buck scanned the yard to see Mara, sitting back herself near the back fence, staring down at the plate of food in her hands. She had disappeared inside for a while but must have come back out for dinner. He grabbed his own plate and drink and made his way over to her.

"That seat taken?" He pointed to a spot to her left, a little ways away. She shrugged back at him, barely glancing up as he took a seat. They ate in silence for a few minutes before he introduced himself. "I'm Buck, by the way. It's nice to meet you." She didn't respond, pushing her food around. "You're Mara, right? I've heard a lot about you."

Still no response.

She was definitely going to be harder to get through to than Chris, but he supposed that was to be expected. He picked up on her energy of not wanting to talk, and instead just contented himself with eating and getting lost in thought.

Which had been essentially what he was doing all day. But whatever.

He just had a lot on his mind. A lot he needed to work out. A lot he needed to process and think through and -

He should see a therapist.

He shuddered at that, stomping that thought out completely. He could handle this. He could handle himself. He had been doing it since he was a kid, it was honestly nothing new.

Though. He did usually have Maddie. He didn't, for a long while he didn't. And he thinks maybe those years, when he was truly alone. Maybe that was when he became the mess he was now.

But he was getting better. He was on the right track. He could feel he was on the right track.

You're still lost. You know you're still that scared little boy whose parents didn't love him enough.

Okay. So maybe he had been messed up for longer than he liked to admit. But try as he might, he couldn't blame everything on his parents. No. There had to be something wrong with him specifically to make it so easy for people to leave him.

Getting lost in thought might have been a bad idea.

"You don't have to be here."

The voice was so quiet next to him, he almost missed it. He glanced over at Mara before focusing back on his food as to not make a big deal of her talking to him. "What was that?"

He could feel her eyes on him but when he went to meet her gaze, she turned away. Back down to her food. "You don't have to be here," she repeated just as softly as before.

"Here? Like at Bobby and Athena's? In the backyard?"

"Next to me."

Oh. He felt that one like a punch to the gut. He hoped his sucked in breath wasn't too noticeable. "Why wouldn't I be here? I want to be. Unless you don't want me, in which case that's a different story."

She just shrugged in response, and that signaled the end of the conversation apparently. They went back to their silence right up until -

"Who wants cheesecake?" Karen excitedly asked as she brought it out from the kitchen. Buck looked around the backyard to see Jee now in Hen's arms. That baby was like a hot potato. One he hadn't even gotten a chance to hold yet. She was his niece!

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