vy 🦄

I'm breaking up with you.

If only I knew I would meet you at that crossroad, I should have steered clear of that road. I hate you. Yeah, that's it. This isn't a love letter.

I didn't want to meet you in this lifetime neither in the next one. I can't even say I regret meeting you because I never wanted to in the first place. Never in my dreams. You're the one who shoved its way into my life. You took advantage of my sadness, my loneliness, and my greed. The moment you recognized them in my eyes, you cling to me more than a koala does to a branch of a tree. When you did, you never let go. You never left me. Maybe we took breaks, but it didn't take long enough for me to catch my breathe. When you see me getting better on my own, you come back like you never left. You told me lies that I foolishly believed not because I like you, but because you are quite convincing. You took away all the good things in my life – my dream, my smile, my innocence, my relationships, my youth, even the light in my eyes, and a lot more that I haven't recognized losing yet. And I feel like I am starting to lose myself too. It scares me. You scare me. You fucking scare the shit out of me. Every single time.

Since you came into my life, I started losing the people I cherish, people I love. They start to drift away. You scared them. Your dark shadow has formed a dark cloud above my head. I want to win them back. But every time I laugh with them, you make sure to ruin the memory. You told me I am a waste of time - that no one actually wants to spend time with other than you. And when I don't listen to what you say, you either punch me in the stomach or choke me until I can't breathe.

I don't like hanging out with you so I started doing things on my own despite your protests.

But.

When I started writing again, you pointed out how many grammar mistakes I made. When I started learning psychology, you called me a psycho. When I was applying for a job related to my degree, you reminded me how I crawled my way out of Uni. That I am not smart enough. When I started singing again, you told me people hated my voice. When I played the strings again, you can never get the tempo right, you said. When I took a photo, it was out of focus. When I started painting, you criticized how imperfect it is. I wanted to fall in love too, but you pushed him away like you always did to everyone. There isn't a day that we didn't argue. Your words are full of my imperfections and flaws. You keep pouring salt on my wounds and scratch my old scars. I want to scream at you, to push you on the inside of the road. I want you gone. And yet you just laugh and shrug it off because you know I can't. No. I actually can but most of the time I'm out of air.

I want to cut ties with you.

Please let me go.

I am tired.

I'm breaking up with you.

Author’s note:

Depression isn’t a joke.

Suicide isn’t an accident.

Mental health is as important as physical, spiritual and emotional health.

Check on your loved ones.

Don't hurt in silence, hurt loudly.