WINE WITCHERY

Great: Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History Common Sense with Dan Carlin Infinite Monkey Cage (Please let there be more of these coming!) Radiolab In Our Time 99% Invisible Freakonomics Radio History of the Infinite

For fun: Coast to Coast AM Myths and Legends Geek History Lesson Art of Manliness (Yes, even though I’m a woman)

Testing my patience lately with politics: Hidden Brain TED Radio Hour

Too much banter and limited content: Stuff You Should Know (Already knew it, thanks)

Too much vocal fry and nonsense: Almost anything with two or more women hosting (Sorry, ladies)

Now that your INTP Starter Kit has been successfully shipped (we apologize for the excessive shipping rates, your INTP can carry extreme emotional baggage if not handled properly), this instruction packet will guide you through the simple steps on how to assemble your INTP. Let’s do this!

Step One: After removing the harsh wit, werewolf blood, and kitten hair from the package, place them in the bowl with the Devil’s Chocolate Cake mix and stir until thoroughly combined. 

Step Two: Take your mixture and add precisely 10 ounces of any carbonated beverage of your choice. This will ensure that your INTP is well saturated with bubbly and toxic humor, but to inhale it through the nose will make you choke, cough, and possibly die. Please do not inhale the mixture. 

Step Three: Let the mixture rise in a room temperature place. A room too hot will make the mixture too warm (which could result in a grumpy INTP), a room too cold will result in a chill, also known as the Burrito Effect, which will permanently make your INTP wrap themselves in a blanket burrito and never leave that position. Ever.

Step Four: Once your INTP is fully risen (it will take about seventeen years), sprinkle the top with wi-fi. They love wi-fi, and will only bloom properly if given the w-fi. Don’t skip the wi-fi. 

Step Five: Stand back and watch your INTP rise from the the batter. If you have prepared it correctly, the INTP will come out pale and usually ginger. If this is not the desired INTP, go back to Step Two and only add seven ounces of carbonated beverage, which will probably result in a brown-haired INTP.