WILD HEART

ngl i’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of drafts i have in this blog so i might drop everything, make a new blog or drop off the face of the earth idk

ok i’m moving blogs!!!

"so yer terrorizing all of us 'cause maybe one of us is responsible for takin' down an entire plane?" the problem with believers is that they will never quite see what a situation is made of, for they are so quick to associate the end of the world with a punishment coming from up there instead of consequences for the acts of those running around down below. "we don't know, leah. we're like ya. we're starvin' and dirty and cold and tired and scared. and the only thin' you're achievin' right now is makin' this way harder, for everyone else." the tension in her shoulders is evident, but shelby is no longer scared. she has one hand on her cross pendant and the other around her stomach, as if shielding herself from a possible assault. leah is acting so out of line that shelby isn't convinced she won't charge. "ya think we ain't aware?" now, shelby is not angry but dear god is she annoyed. "but some of us don't have the privilege of goin' off the goddamn rails! cause if we all acted like ya, we'd be dead in two days!" leah's shouting meeting shelby's rising tone, until leah takes a step back & the blonde girl does the exact same. the pad of her fingers turning white as they hold on the cross. sorry father for i have sinned… using your name in vain… one breath & two & three. shelby's eyes turn toward the floor, and it takes a minute before she is moving, picking up some wood of her own. obviously reaching out, trying to be nice, whatever. leah will see it as a threat or a goddamn attack anyway.

there's no point in trying to explain it to them, because they simply won't understand. except for the possibility that she's actually making the entire thing up, fabricating sings and evidence inside of her mind. jumping from one all-consuming obsession to another, a never ending cycle that she seemed doomed to repeat again. that's exactly the insecurity that shelby attacks with her words, and leah feels forced to reconsider the situation. “ i'm not— ” but you are terrorizing them, weren't you just screaming at her ? “ i'm just trying to understand. so we can leave. ” yet sometimes the fact that she was doing this for all of them slipped her mind, made her believe that it was them against her. guilt leaves a shameful taste on her mouth, eyes avoiding shelby's while silence washed over them, the ringing in her ears becoming unbearable. a hand reaches out to touch her own eyebrow, seeking for the comfort it usually brought and finding none of it. some of us don't have the privilege of goin' off the goddamn rails. this is all leah's fault, a pattern that she's already familiar with. she ruined things with jeffrey and now she's ruining things here too, her path leaving behind destruction wherever she goes. “ shelby ... ” i'm sorry, “ just leave it there. it's my turn to collect wood anyway. ” voice is soft for once, friendly towards the other girl for the first time since the plane crashed. they just screamed at each other and now they're being nice. “ you don't have to ... not after i just did that. ” leah didn't deserve the kindness, but maybe shelby will find it within herself to give it to her anyway. something about people with faith, right ?

for a moment,   ronan wishes they’d go back to fighting in parking lots.   a busted lip   —   or even a concussion   —   would hurt less than this conversation.   “   whatever.   ”   he begins to pick at his leather bracelets irritably,   looking up just in time to see the way declan tenses at the subject of adam.   a lifetime of deliberately provoking his big brother has left him with a talent for picking up on even the most subtle shifts of mood.   “   you got a problem with my boyfriend coming over?   ”   ronan sits up,   then,   feeling all at once both defensive and protective.   what does declan know about love,   anyway?   he can’t keep a girlfriend for longer than a month.   “   get used to him.   he’s not going anywhere.   ”   and there it is:   an obvious but skilled change of subject,   just at the height of discomfort.   they’ve always used matthew to avoid dealing with each other head-on.   “   you have to put your fucking phone down for that.   ”   ronan does not wait for a response of any kind;   he stands up and swiftly heads out the back door.   the sun is harsh on his skin,   but he smiles when he sees matthew and opal splashing around in the swimming hole just a few yards away.   if only their shared happiness could infect them all.

stare narrows, refusing to give ronan the satisfaction of reacting impulsively to his words. everything in declan's life is a calculated decision, and that extends to his facial expression in that moment, annoyed but not completely offended. there's no point in counteracting the insinuation about his feelings towards adam, because ronan will believe whatever he wants in the end. his point still stands : parrish is a liability, the same way anyone without the last name lynch knowing about ronan would be a liability. it's nothing personal. what comes next is what actually grabs his attention, leaves him speechless for a couple of seconds. “ he's not applying to college anymore ? forgive me, but i find that hard to believe. ” sometimes he wishes he could shake his younger brother by the shoulders, beg for him to wake up to reality for once. it's not that declan wants to be mean, he simply wants his brothers to understand, to not feel like he has to protect them all the time. but they're not able to protect themselves yet, it becomes clear with the naivety of ronan's statement. “ some of us have to work. ” despite his protest, declan slips his phone back into his pocket before following ronan outside. the sight feels oddly familiar and not at all, the dissonance between matthew's laughter filling the air and the awareness of his own being nonexistent throughout his childhood too obvious for him to ignore.