Peter Solarz
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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My two-year transiversary
Two years ago today, May 12th, 2024, was the day that my trans egg cracked and I knew I was a woman. To celebrate, I made this little video, with words and audio taken directly from blog posts and vlogs I made at the time. It’s easy to focus on the hardships and ancillary difficulties we trans people face these days. But this video isn’t about those bits. This is about joy.
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"The furies are at home in the mirror; it is their address. Even the clearest water, if deep enough can drown. Never think to surprise them.
Your face approaching ever so friendly is the white flag they ignore. There is no truce
with the furies. A mirror’s temperature is always at zero. It is ice in the veins. Its camera is an X-ray. It is a chalice
held out to you in silent communion, where gaspingly you partake of a shifting identity never your own."
― R. S. Thomas 🏳️‍⚧️ (Edited to add: As there has been some confusion elsewhere about this post, this is not about me wanting to go back to being a man. This is me still seeing masculine features when I look in a mirror, and wishing that my trans journey was *more* complete.)
CO-WORKER: So, what did you do this weekend? ME (THINKING): Well, I spent a large part of it obsessed with an indie game made by two guys from Finland that looks like a block pushing puzzle game on the surface but has a ton of secrets and a surprisingly moving plotline that made me cry several times but I can't describe any more without spoiling but is presented in a simple monochromatic 4-shade color palette and retro pixel art which made me wonder if I could hex edit the palette to resemble the 4-color CGA palette of computers from the early 1980's including the eye-melting bright cyan and magenta colors so I did some digging and some editing and it turns out you can edit the palette if you know how so I did and ran the whole thing through a CRT filter so it looks like it's displaying on a 40-year-old monitor, complete with glowing phosphors and it really feels like I discovered a game that wouldn't look out of place on my dad's old Tandy 1000 but it's made with modern gaming sensibilities and the music sounds like extremely well-produced MIDI files and the whole experience scratches a nostalgic itch that I didn't even know I had despite probably looking terrible to anyone who didn't grow up with those 1980's PC games and I was instantly transported back into my childhood playing ancient computer games in front of a warmly glowing friendly screen in our old basement with carpet salvaged from an old bank that smelled vaguely of hamster, only this game is deceptively complex and emotional and gorgeous and back then I couldn't even feel the feelings I feel now because of my transition and my God it was beautiful and the whole thing is about to make me cry again and oh hells he's looking at me and he wants an answer... ME (OUT LOUD): Oh, you know. Laundry, probably. ----- This is one of the few screenshots I could take without spoiling much but not just looking like a block-pushing puzzle. It's called Void Stranger; look it up on Steam!
2025 in Review: The Happiness Selfie Formula
This is just in time for the end of #TransgenderAwarenessMonth. I don't want to say too much about the reel, just watch and share.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Passing
It’s #TransgenderAwarenessWeek this week, and, well…I’m a little torn. As many of you know, I first found out I was trans about a year and a half ago (well, arguably: I had been exploring my gender identity as a concept for longer but it was then that I really pinned it down as “trans woman”). I have not been shy about sharing my journey online, especially after I came out publicly last June,…
I made this my blog banner image, which combines two of my favorite things: ridiculously unfair video games, and people recognizing that I'm a girl
What are you?
What are you? This fundamental question is one that many of us have to confront every day. Most people don’t give it a second thought on a day-to-day basis; more often, the existential question is, “Who are you?” A doctor? A lawyer? A musician? A mother, father, son, daughter; a leader, a follower; a hero, a villain; a person whose life is entirely inconsequential, or a person who changes the…
When Deltarune Ch 3+4 came out I knew I needed to beat it within a day or two before spoilers started popping up on all my feeds. I also naively thought I had to do the same with Silksong. Thing is, uh, Deltarune didn't murder me on the same boss fight 30 times in a row...on every boss...
One more year
August 31st, 2026. One year. One year until one of the riskiest, yet most important days of my entire life. One year until my scheduled bottom surgery (vaginoplasty). A lot of stars still have to align for this dream to actually become a reality. The political/medical/insurance situation has to remain stable long enough for my insurance to follow through on what it promised and cover the…
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I made a new trans vlog! In this, my final recording before starting official trans voice training, I talk somewhat about identity, and how one's sense of self relates to their gender, and being able to see themselves in a mirror as the person they need to me. It's kind of meta.
Also being trans is not a mental illness!
Also also, I recorded this four times (the first time I messed up, the second time I was interrupted by my phone, and the third time I had forgotten to turn up my mic), so I may have missed a few points I made in previous attempts. Hopefully it still makes sense.
Identity crisis and a sunflower top
Being a trans woman means feeling about twenty different things about this photo, and this is the life I have… So I bought this top a couple of weeks ago because I thought it was really cute and also brown is one of my colors. I was thinking of wearing it to a get-together I’ve got in a couple of weeks. However, when I first put it on I had a bunch of conflicting feelings about it hit me all at…
Raw
Some days are wonderful and grand. Some are non-descript. Some are emotional and raw. This post is the latter. I banged these out in a Notepad file without even looking at the screen while typing (hence the spelling errors) when I felt compelled to after a few days when I was spiraling a bit. I don’t know why I felt the need to share them, but here they are anyway. Hopefully you can get something…
May 12 was the one-year anniversary of my trans egg cracking (though the linked post here was on the 13th, the actual event was on the 12th)
Was adding people here and realized that I haven't actually posted anything here in a really long time other than some random auto-posts from my WordPress blog, despite having gone through a few major life changes recently. So if you're here to find out about me, well, you may discover who I *used* to be, but not a ton about who I am now (if you want to find that out, then clicking on the blog link in my previous entry and reading there is a good place to start).
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Fear, Courage, and Praeger U
(note: the title of this post contains a deliberate misspelling because I don’t need Praeger U to get more SEO than it already has. In fact, I’m going to keep misspelling the name because fuck them.) The other day, a friend of mine alerted me to something he found while scrolling through Facebook. At first he thought it was a video of mine from TikTok that I had reposted on Facebook, but then…
So I took a gender test a couple of months ago on one of those sites that has, like, a million quizzes: some fun ones, and some based on stu
I almost never actually post anything here, but this is a blog post about gender exploration and also a little bit of Undertale, so what better place to post this than tumblr?