Wildcard Jackpot Gambit

How to make DSMOM not violent...

Dr. Strange: It would be so easy to destroy you in spells.

Scarlet Witch: Oh yeah? Hit a spell then.

Dr. Strange: I have my favourite one: FIREBALL!

Dr. Strange: *proceeds to drink Fireball*

Loki, watching them from the TVA: Hahaha!

Scarlet Witch: Yo, that's not a spell, you're just drinking Fireball!

Dr. Strange: That was a good one!

Scarlet Witch: You don't have magic, you're just drinking Fireball.

Dr. Strange: FIREBALL! *drinks Fireball*

Loki: Hahaha!!!

Scarlet Witch: You are not doing anything those are just Fireballs!

Dr. Strange: I think a lot happened!

Scarlet Witch: What just happened?!

Dr. Strange: I'm a lot happier now.

Loki: *Died from laughing so hard*

Eris: Well, well, well, what do we have here? Another cutie that somehow managed to get to Tartarus.

Y/N: Your puzzle ain't that difficult.

Eris: Looks like I've been defeated at my own game.

Y/N: Don't flatter yourself, Your Divinity. You were never even a player.

Eris: Ooh, I love it when my playthings are feisty.

Y/N: I'm not someone's toy, I have a soul, a heart. I bleed, I sweat, and I tear.

Eris: Poor thing, you've been through so much. As a reward, I will give you whatever your heart desires, and relieve you from your sufferings. In exchange for your hand in matrimony.

Y/N: Ironic coming from the goddess of discord.

Eris: Ouch, trust issues that much?

Y/N: Yeah, your literal function is to cause chaos to the world, and it's your fault why I'm always miserable.

Eris: Well, you did play my game.

Y/N: Only because it would finally be over for this nightmare! Why should I trust you?! Why should I believe a single word of what you're saying?!

Eris: Y/N my dear, when the goddess gives her word, she is bound to it for all eternity.

Y/N: What's the point of eternal binding if I'm not even eternal myself? I am just a mortal.

Eris: We can have that arranged.

Fifteen years later...

Y/N: And that my children is the story of how I met your mother.

At the Ashcroft resident's dinner table...

Alyssa: So, how long have you been dating my daughter?

Y/N: Well, we just started dating for only a couple of weeks actually, and I gotta tell ya, your daughter is amazing.

*clink*

Grace: Oops, dropped the spoon, let me go grab it. *went down under the table*

Y/N: Clumsy now, are we? *faces back to Alyssa* Your daughter is loving and caring, especially when she's with Emily and all that-

Grace: *unzips Y/N's pants from under the table*

Y/N: Babe?! Babe! The table is see through! The table is see through! Abort! Abort! Abort!

Y/N: Yo, Kimiko.

Kimiko: What?

Y/N: Did you know that if you put your two index fingers on your two cheeks, it is impossible for you to tilt your head sideways?

Kimiko:

Y/N: Onii Chan

Anissa: *grouching by the family couch.*

Y/N: Why the face?

Anissa: Our son, he called me a b*tch this morning.

Y/N: That's awful.

Anissa: I know, right?

Y/N: Now where's that son of a b*tch?!

It was a bright and sunny day for Y/N and Lucia and usually they start their morning for a good lightsaber sparring as an energizer.

Y/N: Do you remember the time we first met?

Lucia: Tch, you were under Palpatine's command at that time, and tried to kill me.

Y/N: Let's recreate that scene.

Lucia is now panicking and starts to slowly back away.

Lucia: Now Dear, you don't have to do this. We can be gentle at our first sparring.

Y/N now approaches her with malicious intent.

Y/N: Please, since when do you want gentle, I thought you like it rough? Not to mention last night.

Lucia starts blushing in embarrassment.

Lucia: Please don't you ever mention that.

Y/N: How can I not? I literally remember you moaning loudly and saying thinks like: "Oh Y/N! Use your force to yourself on me!" You basically wanted to be violated.

Lucia: WHY YOU LITTLE-!

Lucia is now mad and starts to aggressively strike Y/N with her lightsaber.

Y/N: Now there's my girl!

And so it begins the supposed morning stretch, became an intense battle between the couple just from a mere lover's banter.

Lucia strikes here, Lucia strikes there, Lucia strikes everywhere, but at Y/N.

When Lucia was exhausted, that's when it is the perfect moment for Y/N to make his move.

Y/N: My turn.

Y/N then jabs Lucia's acupoints of her body, temporarily paralysing her.

Y/N grabs the now discouraged lightsaber and pointed at Lucia who is now lying down on the floor unable to move.

Y/N: Looks like I win this round, Jedi.

Lucia: You're not playing fair.

Y/N: What are you talking about? You're the one who has a weapon, I just dodge your attacks and strike your weak spots with only my bare hands.

Lucia has no other option but to embrace defeat.

Lucia: Hmph, fine, you won.

Umi: Okay, who's the hottest person that you could think of?

Y/N: *inhale and exhale* Your mother.

Umi: Okay... Dad, Mom isn't here right now. You can be honest with me.

Y/N: *whimpering* Your mother is a ten.

Umi: She's a six at best!

Y/N: *choking Umi* You take that back!

Y/N: I bought deep dish pizza everybody.

Peach: Finally some real food from the real world.

Rosalina: It's been a while since I ate from the real world.

Luigi: Yeah, I have only eaten mushrooms here in this kingdom.

Mario: *looking at the pizza intensely* Where's the cheese?

Y/N: It's under the sauce.

Mario: There's no cheese on it.

Y/N: It's under the sauce.

Mario: Like I'm Italian and this is hurting me.

Y/N: It's from Chicago.

Mario: It's just sauce.

Y/N: Cheese is under the sauce.

Mario: That's not enough cheese!

Y/N: Cheese is under the sauce.

Mario: That's not enough!

Y/N: IT'S UNDER THE SAUCE!!!

Nico: *looking down at her belly* Aah! This baby is energetic today.

Y/N: Robin, Dear? Are you alright?

Nico: Yes, it's just that the baby is kicking.

Y/N: Wait a minute, 1 2 3 4. This baby has four feet!

Nico: WHAT?!

Y/N: It must've inherited your flower-flower fruit ability.

Nico: That explains why I feel multiple kicks.

Y/N: Looks like I can't teach my kid swimming lessons.

Nico: It's alright, we can teach our child other than swimming.

Y/N: I mean yeah, they can be an archaeologist like you.

Robin: Or they will be a great gunslinger someday just like their papa.

Y/N: Ah, so many opportunities.

Enid learns how to drive Part 1

Y/N: Okay, first things first: Have you adjusted your mirrors?

Enid: All three of them, and I can see myself perfectly.

Y/N: Oh no, they're not for vanity. Your rearview mirrors are for seeing the view to your rear.

Enid: *looks down at her butt.*

Y/N: Not your behind—behind you.

Enid: But I won't be able to see myself having fun.

Y/N: Driving a motor vehicle is not fun, it's serious business. Now, have you buckled your seat belts?

Enid: I was going to, but this outfit wrinkles so easily so I thought–

Y/N: Just do it.

Enid: But my outf-

Y/N: It's the Law!

Enid: *buckles down her seat belt.*

Y/N: Okay. Now, are you familiar with the gear shift?

Enid: You mean the Prindle?

Y/N: The what?

Enid: The Prindle.

Y/N: Are you referring to the shift lever that says P-R-N-D-L?

Enid: I'm not a child, Y/N. I know how to spell PRNDL.

Y/N: It is not something you spell, it is a gear shift. The letters stand for PARK, REVERSE, NEUTRAL, DRIVE, AND LOW!

Enid: You're making me nervous with all this technical talk!

Selina: *turns on the tv while enjoying a pb & j sandwich.*

TV Reporter: Breaking News! Catwoman strikes again at in unusually broad daylight. The lady in cat broke into billionaire playboy, Y/N Y/L/N's mansion stealing millions of dollars worth of jewellery, alcoholic beverages, and many more potentially priceless items in the mansion.

Journalist: Do you have any more information of what she stole?

Y/N: I don't know, but as long as she doesn't touch the peanut butter, *grins* cuz I did stuff to it.

Selina: *spits out the sandwich.*

Before getting together...

Fem Y/N: Yo, how big is that d down there, boy?

Guy Wednesday: Small, now leave me alone.

After being together...

Fem Y/N: I just want you to know that if you ever feel insecure about your size, just remember I appreciate the "little things" in life.

Guy Wednesday: *whimpering* We've been over this. It's not funny.

Fem Y/N: Wends, it was a joke.

Guy Wednesday: Well, it's not funny!

Fem Y/N: Wait, are you crying?

Y/N: *holding a bouquet* Happy Valentine's Day, dear.

Sabrina: Aw thank you, you really shouldn't have, but it's sweet of you to bring me flowers.

Y/N: Yeah, I got it for discount.

Sabrina: Is that so? As a reward for the bouquet, especially you bought my favourites. What would you like from me in return?

Y/N: I don't know. I don't really need anything from you, being together is more than enough for me.

Sabrina: Smooth, but I must give you something in return. I insist.

Y/N: Well, all I ask of you is to blow me-

Sabrina: *suddenly kneels down* Yes! This is finally happening!

Y/N: -a kiss.

Sabrina: A kiss? *stands up* Right, of course a kiss would suffice. *nervous laughter* Why didn't I think of that?

Y/N: Are you okay?

Sabrina: Okay?! Of course I'm okay!

Y/N: Then why are yelling?

Sabrina: I am just expressing how appreciative I am for years of being together that's all!

Sabrina then gave a long and hard pressing kiss to Y/N's lips, and snatched the flowers.

Sabrina: Now if you'll excuse I will just set these beautiful flowers to a big vase before they wilt.

She walked away to set up the flowers and went straight to her room, leaving Y/N in a whirlpool of confusion.

Sabrina: Why lord? *kneels and pray* Why can't you let me suck his di-

Meanwhile at the other side...

Y/N: I will never fully understand that woman.

Inside the interrogation room...

Chris: *Just staring at Y/N*

Y/N: *In utter confusion*

Meanwhile at the observation room...

Leon, who is watching through the two-way mirror: This is b*llsh*t, we're here for almost 2 hours.

Jill, who is with Leon: Yeah, and he haven't said a single word.

Back at the interrogation...

Chris: *stands up* So you're the guy that Claire keeps talking about?

Y/N, with complete stoicism: Yes, I am.

Chris: And how long have you two been dating?

Y/N, completely unbothered: For about a year now.

Chris: *slams the table* What are your intentions with her?

Y/N, still unbothered: To make her happy, keep her safe, protected, and comfortable.

Observation room...

Jill: Man, I gotta give it to Y/N, he's seriously unfazed by Chris.

Leon: I know, right? I mean it's scary that how calm he is towards Chris.

Jill: I wonder what scares Y/N.

Interrogation...

Chris: Well that settles it. You can have her.

In the observation room...

Leon and Jill: *Spat their drink* What!?

Interrogation room...

Y/N: Um, thank you?

Chris: This is a crucial role for you now that you are part of the Redfield. You must continue the bloodline.

Y/N: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down there.

Chris: I have already set up all the equipment that you need at your place. Now you just have to f*ck her.

Y/N and JilLeon, in separate rooms: WTF!!!

Chris: She'll be on her heat cycle in 5 4 3 2 1.

Claire: *breaks the door* Y/N-boo, *snatches Y/N* it's time.

Y/N: Babe, please be gentle.

Wednesday: *Doing the Dishes.*

Y/N: *Grabs her by the waist and embraces her.*

Y/N: You know that I love you right?

Wednesday: *in confusion* Um, yes?

Y/N: And we are married for like 6 years now.

Wednesday: *is suspicious* Okay?

Y/N: You have given our family two beautiful twins-

Wednesday: Alright stop beating around the bush. What is it that you want?

Y/N: Well, the children and I are playing by the yard.

Wednesday: Go on.

Y/N: And we saw this big ice cream truck and we were wondering if we could-

Wednesday: *sigh* Go get my purse.

Y/N: Thanks darling, you're a lifesaver. *kisses Wednesday by the cheek*

Humphrey: Daddy, quick! The ice cream truck is about to leave!

Woeden: Yeah Daddy, go get Mommy's purse!

Y/N: Coming, boys!

Wednesday: Can you order me a rocky road? Because I'm literally riding in a "rocky road."

Malevola: *Enters SDN*

Punch Up: Oi look! Karlach's here.

Coupé: Hey Karlach.

Invisigal: Hi there, Karlach.

Prism: Yo Karlach, my girl.

Sonar: Wassup Karlach.

Flambae: How do you do, Karlach?

Golem: Karlach, you're here, sorry I didn't see you there.

Blonde Blazer: Good Morning Karlach.

Chase: Well, well, well if it isn't Karlach, herself.

Robert: There you are, Karlach, you are assigned to...

Malevola: Why is everyone calling me that?

Back at home...

Y/N: *Just playing BG3 in his PC*

Malevola: *Enters back home* Hi Honey, I'm home.

Y/N: Hey there, Honey. How's work today?

Malevola: Mixed between confusion and frustration at the same time.

Y/N: What? Why?

Malevola: Well everyone at work today calls me Karlach for some reason and I don't know why.

Y/N: Uh... *Took a look at his game for a few seconds and back at her*.

Malevola: Who even is this Karlach?

Y/N: I have no idea.

Context: Y/N is testing out the suits inside of (Estella's) Cruella's hidden closet where all of her latest designs for her upcoming fashion show, however she was not informed that her husband was inside. What would be her reaction if she caught him snooping around her creations?

Cruella: Darling! What do you think you're doing!?

Y/N: I-I was testing some of your outfits, I was curious. I'm sorry that I upset you.

Cruella: Take those off immediately!

Y/N: Y-yes ma'am *whimpering*.

Cruella: Now-now. I'm sorry for shouting at you, I didn't mean to make you cry.

Y/N: I just wanted to try out your clothes. I think they were beautiful.

Cruella: Why thank you, Dear. I really appreciate that you love my work. *Purrs* It looks rather ravishing.

Cruella: But we both know that suit you're wearing would look even better on our bedroom floor.

She then pulled him by his necktie and dragged him in their shared bedroom...

Cruella: *Pushes Y/N down their canopy bed* Now be a good boy, and do everything as I say.

Y/N: Yes Ma'am.