washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

Made a lowball offer on eBay as a joke and it got accepted. uh oh.

talking to people you want to get to know as if they're already your friends is a terrible terrible piece of advice that people online love giving out. but i think what people are trying to say when they suggest this is that you should talk to people you want to get to know as if they're your peers. which is a subtle but important distinction. the former is extremely overfamiliar and often because of this ends up making you seem rude, but the latter is more about conducting your conversations with someone as if it is unremarkable and low stakes for the two of you to be speaking together. which is only* rude if the person you're talking to thinks they're above having normal conversations with randos, in which case, probably not worth your time to befriend anyway.

okay but chess terminology is like. you pinned your opponent's hung knight and now you can mate? oh im sure

They dumped plastic skeletons in environmentally protected areas, against the literal contracts they had to sign to get the permits to film in environmentally protected areas. Like they not only did a bad ecological thing that freaked out some divers, they literally broke environmental protection laws and their contract with the Italian government

Hi, its me. The warmest creature in the world. I love you. Im the warmest creature in the world and I love you so much and I need to be in your lap right now. Yes, I know about the heat wave. That's okay though because I was already the warmest creature in the world so I don't mind. I love you and you need to let me sleep in your lap right now. I'm soooo warm and I love you sooo much. If you say no you'll be saying no to a thing that love you. Let me sleep in your lap. When I fall asleep I get warmer. I love you

We’ve all heard of masculinity in a peacock way, but I’d like to pose a new idea: femininity in an anglerfish way

i’m like a clown that no one hired or pays

The Ojibwe nailed it. Wawa is exactly the right name for a goose.

"Suicide by throwing himself down the stairs." Cops love that one.

I kept forgetting my nighttime antidepressant so I set an alarm where the sound was a recording of me saying "HEY. TAKE YOUR FUCKING PILL" because I thought it would be funny. It was funny about three times, and then it started making me mad and I'd dismiss it right away to make it stop. So I handed my phone to my partner, who made another recording sweetly saying "Okay Shira, it's time to take your medication" and now I don't get mad anymore and I take my pill. The "compassion over punishment" camp has gotta get something wrong one of these days

ah shit they're gaining on us. we gotta jettison some weight. throw all those stolen boomerangs out we don't need em

On it, boss!

Bad news, boss!