"You're making a mistake, Ropp."

They don't listen to him. They keep going, making increasingly florid violent threats to Dandelion's safety.

"Now," said the captain..."Now you will confirm that you've understood the task and will execute it. Should you not, before I count to ten under my breath, Mr Samsa will rupture the minstrel's right eardrum...if the desired result does not ensure, Mr Samsa stabs the other ear. And will then gouge out the poet's eye. And so on, to the bitter end, which is a jab to the brain. I'm starting to count, witcher."

What does Dandelion do? Well, he's terrified but he tries to be brave.

"Don't listen to him Geralt!" Dandelion somehow managed to make a sound from his constricted throat. "They won't dare to touch me! I'm famous!"

This is hilarious and very, very Dandelion. But also, it's not entirely unreasonable. Dandelion's fame often protects him, and sometimes it protects Geralt too. However, it doesn’t seem to be doing either at the moment.

Geralt says to Mister Samsa:

"First, move that dagger away from the poet's ear."

Mister Samsa seems to think that they have succeeded and Geralt is negotiating with him, so he complies. (this guy makes one bad decision after another)

"Ha," snorted Mister Samsa, lifting the misericorde high over his head. "Is that better?"

Geralt simply answers:

"Better."

Then without another word, Geralt kills them all, violent and bloody. It is a descriptive, vividly gory passage. He slices carotid arteries and groins. One man's neck spews blood onto the chandelier and ceiling. But I find what Geralt does to Mister Samsa to be particularly significant and satisfying.

The Witcher jerked the sword from the scabbard before Ropp fell, and with one fluid movement coming out of a short spin, hacked off Samsa's raised hand. Samsa yelled and dropped to his knees.

So Geralt’s actions say...you use your hand to hold a blade to *my* poet's neck, and I will chop that motherfucker off. Let's see you do that again without a hand, you piece of shit.

It's a gory passage. I'll skip to the end. The royal instigator comes into the room to investigate and asks Geralt about the one man he has left (sort of, temporarily) alive.

The instigator examined the captain, who was lying, stretched out in a pool of urine, salivating copiously, and trembling incessantly.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Shards of nasal bones in the brain. And probably several splinters in his eyeballs."

"You struck him too hard."

"That was my intention," said Geralt, wiping the sword blade with a napkin taken from the table. "Dandelion, how are you? Everything in order? Can you stand?"

I find that pretty hot. Geralt has corpses and blood all around him, and he's being asked questions by the authorities. They could arrest him. They could lock him up. They could execute him. Geralt does not give a single solitary fuck. He is going, you're goddamn right I did that. He is casually wiping his sword blade with a napkin and asking Dandelion if he's alright. He has accomplished the important thing (saving Dandelion) and doesn't care about anything else.

Dandelion is freed and vomiting all over the floor. (Poor guy. He doesn't have a stomach for violence and gore. Joey portrays this well in the show.) He answers, babbling:

..."For fuck's sake, I've never been so afraid. I felt like the insides were falling out my arse. And that everything would drop out of me, teeth included.

God I love that part. Hilarious and very relatable. I'm sure if someone kidnapped me and put a knife to my throat, I would feel the same. (Dandelion is always the human/the reader stand in.) But the next part is so sweet.

But when I saw you I knew you'd save me. I mean, I didn't. But I was counting strongly on it. How much sodding blood there is! How it stinks in here! I think I'm going to puke again."

He knew Geralt would save him. When he saw him, he knew. *sob*

Then, Dandelion's cousin (the royal instigator is Dandelion's cousin) says he is going to take Geralt to the king to resolve this, and for Julian (Dandelion) to stay there.  (People who knew Jaskier as a kid call him Julian.) Dandelion refuses.

"Fuck that. I'm not staying here for a moment. I prefer sticking close to Geralt."

I don't blame you, buddy. Who else is going to slaughter a bunch of people for you?

--fin---

Ok, I have a lot more of these fic sounding witcher facts, like:

A shape shifter reads Geralt's mind, then turns into Jaskier because he knows that’s the best way to protect himself. 

Geralt and Jaskier share beds.

Geralt and Jaskier share clothes.

Geralt travels with Jaskier for years but has no idea that he is a viscount. When he does find out, it is in public, from a third party, and yes it is hilarious. (Bonus. Ciri finds out this way as well)

Geralt may play it cool to his face, but he thinks Jaskier has a gorgeous voice.

Jaskier has a voice so beautiful, it can calm a monster.

Geralt drops everything to protect Jaskier, every time, even in the middle of battles when there are other people around to protect.

Geralt can smell lust

They also share a kiss in a few of the translations, but not all. It's a very "y yo también" situation.

There was no doubt Dandelion was to blame for what had befallen them.

The witcher did not bear Dandelion a grudge for provoking the Rangers of the forest, he was not innocent either, for he could have intervened and held the bard back.

Dandelion got in a fight. Geralt isn't mad because he could have stopped Dandelion, but he didn't. Why?

He did not, however, for he could not stand the infamous Guardians of the Forest, known as The Rangers, a volunteer force whose mission was to eradicate non humans.

It had annoyed him to hear their boasts about his elves, spriggans, and eerie wives bristling with arrows, butchered or hanged.

Basically, they are racist and Geralt fucking hates them. Geralt isn't one for confrontation, though. HOWEVER when his pain in the ass boyfriend bullies them, he sits back and enjoys it. He is the very definition of this meme...

Dandelion though, who after traveling for some time with the witcher, had become convinced of his own impunity from retaliation, had surpassed himself.

Dandelion is so smug about having a badass husband that he's become even more mouthy and confrontational. (even though Geralt is not confrontational, Dandelion knows Geralt could kick people's asses if he wanted to. Dandelion is like a little yappy chihuahua who knows his german shepherd husband could handle it if he wanted to.)

Initially, the Rangers had not reacted to his mockery, taunts, or filthy suggestions, which aroused the thunderous laughter of the watching villagers.

The Rangers tried to ignore Dandelion. Dandelion was relentless, publicly making a mockery of them.

When, however, Dandelion sang a hastily composed obscene and abusive couplet, ending with the words

If you want to be a nothing be a Ranger

An argument, and then a fierce mass punch-up broke out. The shed, serving as the dance hall, went up in smoke….

So Geralt gets pulled into this fight Dandelion starts. And he blames himself equally because he knows he was enjoying it a little too much. (It really isn't his fault, but you know Geralt. Why blame someone else when you could blame yourself.)

Anyway, law enforcement shows up. Geralt and Dandelion avoid imprisonment because of Dandelion's fame. However they have to pay for damages, hence their extreme brokeness.

They have already sold everything off that they can.

….

They had already sold Geralt’s gold signet for food, and an alexandrite brooch the troubadour had once been given as a souvenir by one of his numerous paramours.

Things were tight. But no, the witcher was not angry with Dandelion.

“No, Dandelion,” he said. “I’m not angry with you.”

Dandelion did not believe him, which was quite apparent by the fact that he kept quiet. Dandelion was seldom quiet.

Aw, Dandelion is chastened and so worried Geralt is mad at him that he's actually (gasp) quiet. He looks for more belongings to sell.

He patted his horse’s neck, and fished around in his saddlebags for the umpteenth time. Geralt knew he would not find anything there they could sell. The smell of food, borne on a breeze of a nearby tavern, was becoming unbearable.

Poor hungry boys. But wait! They are saved from their plight when a stranger approaches them.

The man says his daughter is getting married. Like the absolute smart ass, bastard, whore he is, Dandelion asks if the man is offering him jus primae noctis.

The man says that his wife has learned that Dandelion is in town and wants to hire him for the wedding.

"...we'll show everyone we aren't churls like them. That we stand for culture and art. That when we have a feast it's refined, and not an excuse to get pissed and throw up...Master Dandelion, well I never, such a celebrity, that'll be one in the eye for the neighbors..."

It seems they are saved once again by Dandelion's celebrity! However, the poor man lets slip there is another bard already hired.

"Do my ears deceived me?" Dandelion drawled . "I, I am to be the second bard? An appendix to some other musician? I have not sunk so low, my dear sir, as to accompany somebody!"

The poor man is begging him and Dandelion is being prideful, so Geralt steps in.

"Dandelion," Geralt hissed softly. "Don't put on airs. We need those few pennies."

Now, Dandelion was JUST pouting and feeling guilty for being to blame for their hunger. And yet. He doesn't react well to Geralt's plea at first.

"Don't try to teach me!" the poet yelled. "Me? Putting on airs? Me? ...What should I say about you, who rejects a lucrative proposition every other day. You won't kill hirikkas, because they're an endangered species, or mecopterans because they're harmless, or night spirits, because they're sweet, or dragons because your code forbids it. I, just imagine it, also have my self respect! I also have a code!"

Geralt is a working class freelancer, and his economic position is tenuous enough that having ethics is always fucking him up. I love that he won't kill night spirits because they're sweet. XD Though, Dandelion is being a bit of a hypocrite here. After all, he was the one who LITERALLY BEGGED Geralt not to kill the dragon during the dragon hunt because it was "pretty."

Geralt knows he has to step up his game though. He pulls out the stops:

"Dandelion, please, do it for me. A little sacrifice, friend, nothing more. I swear, I won't turn my nose up at the next job that comes along. Come on, Dandelion...

Dandelion can't refuse him when he gets all sweet like that.

The troubadour looked down at the ground and scratched his chin, which was covered in soft, fair bristles.

The man, sensing that Geralt has weakened Dandelion's resolve, tries to close the negotiation. He offers Dandelion thirty talars.

"Thirty five," Dandelion said firmly.

Geralt smiled, and hopefully breathed in the scent of food wafting from the tavern.

And there we are, their problem is solved. I just think they are a damned endearing old married couple. I like to see them managing their money and negotiating their relationship. Also I love that part of why Geralt loves Dandelion, is because he is his complete opposite. Mouthy, vain, loud, quick to start fights. It scratches an itch he can't do himself because of all of his ethics and restraint.