M. BD.

(His phone buzzes.)

Bruce: ...

(He silences it.)

Diana: Everything alright?

Bruce: Yes.

Hal: You're lying.

Bruce: I am.

Barry: Who's calling Batman during a Justice League meeting?

Bruce: It's nothing.

(The phone immediately starts ringing again.)

Bruce: ...

Clark: You should probably answer it.

Bruce: They'll stop.

(The phone stops ringing.)

Bruce: See?

(It starts ringing a third time.)

Bruce: ...

Arthur: That sounds urgent.

Bruce: It isn't.

J'onn: Batman.

Bruce: J'onn.

J'onn: Your heartbeat indicates resignation, not concern.

Bruce: Correct.

Hal: Oh, now I really want to know who's calling.

(The phone rings a fourth time.)

Bruce: Excuse me.

(He answers.)

Bruce: What.

Seven voices at once: BRUCE!!

Bruce: Why are you yelling?

Dick: JASON STARTED A FIRE!

Jason: I DID NOT!

Steph: HE ABSOLUTELY DID!

Jason: IT'S BARELY A FIRE!

Tim: THAT IS NOT HOW FIRES WORK!

Damian: Todd has committed arson.

Jason: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Cass: Big fire.

Duke: Like... really big fire.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Define "big."

Jason: That's subjective.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: Bigger than a toaster.

Tim: It's in the kitchen.

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: The old kitchen.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: What happened to the kitchen?

Jason: Depends who you ask.

Steph: IT EXPLODED.

Jason: "Exploded" is a strong word.

Tim: THE OVEN IS IN THE POOL.

Arthur: ...How?

Bruce: I don't know, Arthur.

Dick: Bruce, don't be mad.

Bruce: Richard.

Dick: Jason—

Jason: Don't throw me under the bus!

Dick: You drove the bus into the house!

Bruce: Stop.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: One person speaks.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Now.

Everyone: ...

Bruce: Fine. Damian.

Damian: Todd attempted to prepare garlic bread.

Bruce: ...

Bruce: Jason.

Jason: In my defense—

Bruce: No.

Jason: Fair.

Damian: He neglected to remove the packaging.

Jason: I forgot.

Steph: IT WAS PLASTIC.

Jason: I KNOW THAT NOW.

Tim: Then he panicked.

Duke: Then Dick panicked because Jason panicked.

Dick: Jason was yelling "IT'S FINE!"

Jason: It WAS fine.

Cass: Wasn't.

Tim: Then Steph grabbed the fire extinguisher.

Steph: Like a responsible adult.

Tim: She sprayed Jason.

Steph: He was closest.

Jason: I WAS NOT THE FIRE!

Steph: You were emotionally the fire.

Clark: *snorts*

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Sorry.

Hal: Don't apologize. This is incredible.

Barry: Wait, is that everyone?

Bruce: Unfortunately.

Dick: Hi, League!

Steph: Is this on speaker?!

Bruce: No.

Hal: It is now.

(Hal taps the speaker button before Bruce can stop him.)

Bruce: Hal.

Hal: You're welcome, Spooky.

Dick: Hi, Hal!

Hal: Hi, Dick!

Barry: Hey, is Wally there?

Dick: Yeah, he's helping Alfred.

Barry: Can I say hi?

Bruce: Barry—

Dick: WALLY! YOUR UNCLE IS ON THE PHONE!

Wally, somewhere in the distance: TELL HIM I'M BUSY TRYING TO SAVE JASON FROM ALFRED!

Jason: SAVE ME!

Alfred, faintly: You are not escaping, Master Jason.

Jason: BRUCE, HELP.

Bruce: No.

Clark: That's fair.

Jason: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FATHER.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: ACT LIKE IT.

Bruce: I am.

Jason: THIS ISN'T SUPPORTIVE.

Bruce: Neither was the kitchen.

Barry: I'm crying.

Hal: Bruce has seven children and somehow none of them know how to cook.

Tim: Excuse me.

Hal: You know how?

Tim: No.

Hal: Thought so.

Damian: Pennyworth forbids us from entering the kitchen unattended.

Arthur: That's... concerning.

Steph: We have color-coded privilege levels.

Diana: Color-coded?

Cass: Green. Can cook.

Duke: Yellow. Can make sandwiches.

Dick: Orange. Supervised cooking.

Tim: Red. Absolutely not.

Barry: Which one is Jason?

Everyone on the phone: BLACK.

Jason: RUDE.

Steph: It literally says "If Jason enters the kitchen, notify Alfred immediately."

Hal: There's a sign?

Dick: Laminated.

Clark: Bruce..?

Bruce: I didn't make the sign.

Alfred, louder now: I did.

League: ...

Alfred: It has significantly reduced insurance claims.

Arthur: Insurance claims?!

Tim: You'd be amazed.

Jason: ONE TIME.

Cass: Nine.

Jason: Details.

Hal: This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Bruce: I fail to see the humor.

Clark: I don't.

Bruce: Of course you don't.

Clark: They're adorable.

Bruce: They are committing property damage.

Clark: Together.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: Listen to them. They're calling you because they trust you.

Bruce: They're calling me because the oven is in the pool.

Clark: Still counts.

Barry: Aww.

Hal: Oh my God.

Arthur: He's smiling.

Diana: He absolutely is.

Clark: I'm not.

J'onn: You are.

Clark: Fine. Maybe a little.

Hal: Superman thinks Batman's disaster children are cute.

Barry: Write that down.

Clark: They are cute.

Bruce: They are twenty-five percent cute and seventy-five percent expensive.

Dick: We heard that!

Bruce: Good.

Steph: Rude!

Jason: I think we're at least forty percent cute.

Damian: I refuse to be categorized with these barbarians.

Cass: Cute.

Damian: ...

Damian: Acceptable.

Clark: See?

Bruce: Don't encourage them.

Clark: I can't help it.

Hal: Dude, you're whipped.

Clark: Am not.

Barry: You absolutely are.

Clark: Bruce is a great dad.

Hal: Bruce's children just called him because one of them accidentally launched an oven into a swimming pool.

Clark: Exactly.

Barry: Explain.

Clark: They knew he'd know what to do.

Bruce: I do know what to do.

Dick: Really?

Bruce: Yes.

Dick: Great, what do we do?

Bruce: Put Alfred on the phone.

(A brief shuffle.)

Alfred: Good afternoon, sir.

Bruce: Is everyone alive?

Alfred: Miraculously.

Bruce: Is the Manor still standing?

Alfred: Mostly.

Bruce: Is anyone seriously injured?

Alfred: Master Jason's pride has suffered catastrophic damage.

Jason: ALFRED!

Alfred: Other than that, no.

Bruce: Excellent. Handle it however you see fit.

Jason: WAIT, NO—

Bruce: I'll be home in an hour.

Alfred: Very good, sir.

(The call disconnects.)

The meeting room is completely silent.

Hal: I have one question.

Bruce: No.

Hal: How does this happen every week?

Bruce: Practice.

Barry: I want to come over sometime.

Bruce: No.

Clark: Can I?

Bruce: You already do.

Clark: True.

Hal: Seriously, Supes, you find that endearing?

Clark: Absolutely.

Barry: They called Bats like kids calling their dad because they broke something.

Clark: Exactly.

Arthur: They are all highly trained vigilantes.

Clark: Who still call B when they accidentally destroy the kitchen.

Diana: It is rather sweet.

Bruce: It is not sweet.

Clark: Bruce.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: You answered on the fourth call.

Bruce: Because they only call that many times if it's important.

Hal: Or if Jason's cooking.

Bruce: Those are the same thing.

Clark: You didn't even ask if they were telling the truth.

Bruce: Because I already knew exactly who did it.

Barry: Without evidence?

Bruce: Jason said "in my defense" before I asked a single question.

Hal: Fair.

Clark, smiling at Bruce: You're a really good dad.

Bruce: ...

Hal: THERE'S THE SMILE.

Bruce: There is no smile.

Barry: Supes broke Batman.

Clark: I didn't break him.

Bruce, very quietly: We still need a new oven.

Clark: I'll buy you one.

Bruce: I know.

Hal: Oh, that's disgustingly domestic.

Barry: They're impossible.

Diana: They really are.

J'onn: It is, however, objectively adorable.

Bruce: The meeting is over.

Hal: We still have four agenda items.

Then, one day, in the middle of a JL mission, the League gets in a tight spot. Out of nowhere, this blue and black blur swoops in and saves everyone’s ass. Maybe breaking some shackles that were proving very difficult, maybe disarm a bomb that the League was just a hair’s breadth too slow to reach without help, but whatever happens, the shadowy figure pauses just long enough to say, “Hey, Batman, you know you there are these things called cellphones now and you can just call sometimes, it doesn’t have to be this dramatic?” and bounds away after shouting ‘let’s do brunch! Bring your new friends!’

Batman is mortified.

No one lets it go.

The entire rest of the mission, the whole League is asking so many questions. Who was that? Do you know him? How do you know him? What’s going on? I didn’t know there was a vigilante in this area?? They don’t let up until he talks.

“That was Nightwing.” Batman is mumbling. The JL forces him to bring them to the Brunch. Brunch happens to be in a run-down apartment on the edge of a bad neighborhood, at five in the morning, in costume. Nightwing introduces himself as Batman’s lovechild with justice.

“I did not realize Batman had a child,” Martian Manhunter says, calmly enough that no one’s sure if he’s accidentally plucking a really loud thought out of the air or if he’s trying to make a joke.

Nightwing stares for a moment falling over laughing. He doesn’t get up. Batman starts trying to apply anti-Joker venom but Nightwing just kicks him and laughs until he cries. He keeps trying to wipe his eyes and his mask keeps getting in the way, so he asks everyone to leave so he can please get a hold of himself

He is still laughing when they leave. Everyone is confused. Batman is furious.  Nightwing manages to breathe long enough to say, “We’re just so glad you’re socializing now, Batman.”

Superman turns to look at Batman very slowly. “…’we’?”

every three months he'll post and in the author's note there's some shit like "sorry this took a while, i got shot seven times :/" or "i know it's been a minute, i literally got hit by a bus and then stabbed in the leg, but i'm all good!" or sometimes ned would log in and post with a note "hey i'm a friend posting on the author's behalf, they're healing from severe hypothermia but promised an update, so here it is!"

and the fic just gets increasingly more popular for the author notes alone. a good handful of the comments are something along the lines of "i'm not even in the star wars fandom, i'm just here to see if the author is good" or "every update i cheer for another day the author gets to live at this point"

and any reader who is a native new yorker kind of pieces together that holy shit the author might be spider-man because the timeline adds up, and they just fully embrace it. spider-man will stop a robbery and the guy behind the counter will ask when the next chapter will be up. spider-man returns a stolen backpack to a girl and she'll tell him that he "really got poe's voice down so well, it's really impressive."

ned thinks it is hilarious. mj finds out about the fic from twitter, to peter's absolute horror, and changes peter's contact name to "friendly neighborhood ao3 author". but the worst thing to happen is after an avengers battle where peter took a pretty big hit and ends up in med-bay. and during a press conference, when someone asks how spider-man is healing, tony just drops "spidey won't be down for too long. the star wars fic will be updated within the week, probably."