circa.

Like it or not, I represent something now.

My presence in certain rooms is a statement, even if I wanna remain the boy in the corner, I'm a man now.

And it would be wrong of me, to wallow in the struggle for years and then shy away when I have my breakthrough moments.

I went to Switzerland the other day for a work trip and stood at the top of a mountain, taking in the view. Didn't ski, also pretended my fear of heights wasn't a thing, but I stood on top of a mountain.

So even if I wanted to remain the boy in the corner, I'm a man now.

I sometimes wonder if the butterfly still misses its cocoon And if the poet in me misses writing If corporate salary has replaced poetic inspiration And why I no longer feel the pain that makes great art When people see me at shows…in the crowd I tell them I’m an accountant, not a writer

And they look at me with a confused gaze And without saying a word, I know they wonder They wonder if the butterfly still misses its cocoon

Was sitting across from my girl yesterday In a small cafe Telling her about the time my little brother went to school abroad For whatever reason I didn’t know he was gonna be going And neither did he

I just know that, on the morning he was supposed to be leaving, he made me promise it was ok for him to wake me up Around 3/4am before they left, to wish him well and say goodbye…and for whatever reason, they didn’t let him. I remember waking up with them gone…already on their way to the airport I didn’t know that was the last time I would see my brother as a kid, he’d come back a few years later at pretty much eye level…. with a deeper voice and slightly more refined…different and somewhat distant.

He had a tough exterior but was still my little brother So things were cool and went back to normal…as normal as they could be, but I never got to say bye to the kid he was, and I regretted that for years

He went to a Skepta concert last week, and Skeppy shouted him out because he liked the way he controlled the mosh pit. You can hear Skepta say “Don’t move until Ralph says so”. And I smile because, in a way…it reminded me that the kid inside is still there, it never left. As a kid he was always the centre of attention and still is.

Remembering the feeling I had that morning,  brought back pain and feelings of anger I have about the whole situation and how it played out And I realised… I still need this space, the same way I always did And I realised, that I created this space for my mind to wander Nobody created it for me

And I realised It would be stupid to imply That just because I’ve qualified That it somehow makes me a butterfly

Because this space is still very much a cocoon And there’s still a lot of growing to do

Children of the Diaspora