OpenMike's World

Like it or not, I represent something now.

My presence in certain rooms is a statement, even if I wanna remain the boy in the corner, I'm a man now.

And it would be wrong of me, to wallow in the struggle for years and then shy away when I have my breakthrough moments.

I went to Switzerland the other day for a work trip and stood at the top of a mountain, taking in the view. Didn't ski, also pretended my fear of heights wasn't a thing, but I stood on top of a mountain.

So even if I wanted to remain the boy in the corner, I'm a man now.

I understand You now.

Why I spent years chasing nostalgia whilst suffering delusions of grandeur.

Why the random South African art teacher wrote "keep living in the light" in my year 11 scrapbook.

Why I arrogantly proclaimed that I could "knock out Daniel" despite never having a fight in my life. And why even though I said that the last day of year 7, he pretty much beat my ass from that day until the South African art teacher wrote the light note.

Why I found the Mrs when I was done looking.

Why I awkwardly served my fellow graduates sandwiches, both of us wondering what it must take to end up in one another's shoes.

Why I couldn't live with how the shame felt.

Why I ironed my Dad's shirts at 30, thinking that the shame I felt back when I was serving sandwiches would probably feel nice right about now in comparison.

Then applying for jobs until there was no shame left.

It's because....

The delusions of grandeur would one day no longer be delusions.

If I kept trying, the delusions would one day become "what would be". And when they did, you wanted to make sure they wouldn't kill me.

That the highs of nostalgia, would never be more than looking at the past through rose tinted glasses.

That the numbness I felt to shame was only so I could accept greatness with a straight face. Knowing that neither have anything to do with me.

Knowing that failure can be sweet when you know yourself and success can be bitter when you don't.

Knowing that neither have anything to do with me.

There's no nostalgia.

There's no delusions of grandeur.

There's only me and You...and I understand that now.

I used to promise myself that I'd back here if I ever made it

I used to leave myself sign posts in poems, hoping my future self would read them when i was at my lowest, and truth be told I haven't

But I think I'd be doing myself an injustice if I stopped writing now

And I'm probably doing myself a bigger injustice by not going back and reading those sign posts, in order to feel those feelings again

Because you land you know Mike, you make it to dry land, you do. And all the crappy experiences actually work out in your favour if you maintain the right attitude.

You get the job, the get the girl, you become qualified....you do it. By the grace of God, you do it.

So why stop leaving the sign posts?

Why stop writing to your future self?

I sometimes wonder if the butterfly still misses its cocoon And if the poet in me misses writing If corporate salary has replaced poetic inspiration And why I no longer feel the pain that makes great art When people see me at shows...in the crowd I tell them I’m an accountant, not a writer

And they look at me with a confused gaze And without saying a word, I know they wonder They wonder if the butterfly still misses its cocoon

Was sitting across from my girl yesterday In a small cafe Telling her about the time my little brother went to school abroad For whatever reason I didn’t know he was gonna be going And neither did he

I just know that, on the morning he was supposed to be leaving, he made me promise it was ok for him to wake me up Around 3/4am before they left, to wish him well and say goodbye...and for whatever reason, they didn’t let him. I remember waking up with them gone...already on their way to the airport I didn’t know that was the last time I would see my brother as a kid, he’d come back a few years later at pretty much eye level.... with a deeper voice and slightly more refined...different and somewhat distant.

He had a tough exterior but was still my little brother So things were cool and went back to normal...as normal as they could be, but I never got to say bye to the kid he was, and I regretted that for years

He went to a Skepta concert last week, and Skeppy shouted him out because he liked the way he controlled the mosh pit. You can hear Skepta say “Don’t move until Ralph says so”. And I smile because, in a way...it reminded me that the kid inside is still there, it never left. As a kid he was always the centre of attention and still is.

Remembering the feeling I had that morning,  brought back pain and feelings of anger I have about the whole situation and how it played out And I realised... I still need this space, the same way I always did And I realised, that I created this space for my mind to wander Nobody created it for me

And I realised It would be stupid to imply That just because I’ve qualified That it somehow makes me a butterfly

Because this space is still very much a cocoon And there’s still a lot of growing to do

You know,

I've found that there's a difference between love and escapism, in all forms.

I've spent time loving God and spending time in church, because I didn't wanna go home.

Wanting a relationship to make me feel better about the things I couldn't change about myself, or didn't want to.

And try to pursue hobbies when my career wasn't going too well.

All in the name of love

But when it's love, you do it...to do it, not for any outcome. If nothing changes, you're still right there. That's love

And when it's not that, when it's conditional, when it's...

"I'm gonna give it this one final effort, and if this doesn't work... I'm gonna quit"

Then it's not love, it never was... it's escapism

I've been qualified for a year now

No imposter syndrome

No anxiety

Nothing

I'm here, I've got my flat, got my job in the city, got the car

The things I wanted are here

The things I prayed for are here

No imposter syndrome

No anxiety

Just safety

Just white space, just quiet

And I feel nothing most days

Except for when I sit across the table and realise my mind is working twice as fast as theirs.

Not because I'm better, but because of the years I spent second guessing myself

I fear nothing in negotiation, because of the nights I spent pleading with God over what seemed like nothing, what seemed like a mistake

I realise now that the chaos was a gift Welded to my palms

So I would always see it, even in moments of calm and my task wasn't to free myself from it

But for me to learn to manipulate it

So that now, in this white space, I would feel nothing, just calm

As my mind works twice as fast as theirs

Because of the years I spent second guessing myself

The irony is, If you were to ask my girlfriend, she'd tell you there's very little about me that's poetic...

Unless we're arguing, as that's when my need for words to be in their proper place is at its highest I tend to repeat phrases until I'm happy with them

And think about the impact of the finished article long after I put the pen down

I wasn't prepared for the gritty day to day stuff, nobody tells you about that. Nobody tells you about the strength she will need to draw from

That the opposite of intimidation is disrespect and both trigger the same reaction, or chemical reaction, or lack thereof

If you were to ask my girlfriend, she'd tell you there's very little about me that's poetic... but the fact that she loves me regardless...gives me the freedom to write when I want

The second time I went to uni, I wasn't a student, I was an employee, working part time for the only company that would hire me.

"Only mad dogs and English men go out in the midday sun"

Was a phrase that never bothered me, until I realised that we were the only ones who referred to our women as "bitches"

Until I realised...

I could no longer speak my mother tongue, despite people asking me where my parents were originally from.

And without looking up, I can feel the heat on the back of my neck, I have no idea why I'm outside, and I don't really know who I am...but I know it's midday.

Or maybe I do, I just don't wanna say...

Because maybe then I'd have to acknowledge the latter, in the aforementioned phrase.

Random fact about me

I was named after Michael Jackson.

Obviously I've felt differently about this at different times of my life.

I've been a poet long enough to realise, it's not what you say... it's how you say it

I've been a believer long enough to realise that watching sermons, isn't the same as spending time with God

I've been studying long enough to realising that knowing the answers doesn't mean you pass the test

And I've been on this earth long enough to learn that accomplishing your goals, isn't the same thing as trying your best

Take toilet breaks if you have to, but write down poems down before you forget

And when a woman tells you how she wants to be loved, put pride aside, listen to the request

Lol just obey it

Cos I've been in a relationship long enough to learn

That it's not what you say, it's kinda how you say it.

As I walk through the old ends

The place I called home before getting kicked out

It seems familiar, but distant

Same orange seats on the London overground train, same cars in the carpark

But just feels like a station

I heard there are uni students staying in my old room now

Wouldn't know, me and pops don't speak much nowadays

Different generation, same pride

But as I sit on this train, the train I took to work, dates and football for years, feeling indifferent

I realise you never really own anything, but the moment you're in

When will I be free from the white lines

The ones that consume my soul

First time I saw anybody use, I was about 7 years old

Saw Robbie do a line, get reprimanded and fined, but still remain an idol in my eyes, along with Ian Wright.

And I remember the first time I did mine

"You're a defender and...DEFENDERS...ARE...SHITE!"

Were the first words that made me high

And since then, I'd been determined to prove myself. The only joy I had ever seen expressed by males was by those scoring goals or by those watching them do it.

So I figured there was something wrong with me, when I wasn't naturally good at it.

And even more so when I was naturally good at other things.

And even more so when I began to resent anything I was actually good at.

Cos the girls in school went for the guys with Avirex jackets not the quiet ones holding badminton rackets, or guitars.

So I played the game to cover my scars, because to be a man, was to play, embrace the culture and somewhat validate

The idea that one could find serious identity in a game, and forsake every God given talent I have, for that chase.

When will I be free from the white lines

The ones that consume my soul

First time I saw anybody use, I was about 7 years old

Saw Robbie do a line, get reprimanded and fined, but still remain an idol in my eyes, along with Ian Wright.

And I remember the first time I did mine, and I'm glad I did it.

B4 social media

The only people who saw your wedding/engagement photos were people who actually came to your house.

This is mind-blowing

I find it hard to be truly happy

I find it hard because I can't live in the present

And I can't live in the present because

I'm looking forward to a day where there will be no struggle

But to live is to struggle, victory is only measured by the struggle I was able to overcome

I've reached a place I used to pray to God for, some prayers sit on this very blog

But my happiness isn't greater because I haven't understood

That struggle is part of life and victory is only measured by the struggle I'm able to overcome

I have found in actual fact,

That what I've thought to be patience all this

time was indeed a form of indifference.

Because, in my heart of hearts

I find it nearly impossible to be patient about

things I want

Only patient with people and scenarios that

In the end, come to nothing.

If I can learn one thing, if I can gain mastery of my soul in one area, it would be to embrace the indifference I care too much for

And let go of the cares that make tomorrow

more valuable than today.