KÜKÜ IS EXHAUSTED

hey, i’m öykü (or kükü). ☁️

honestly, i just needed a place to scream into the void. life has been a lot lately my mental health decided to take a dive, my heart is pretty much in pieces, and i'm just trying to survive on a diet of fictional characters, travel and animal content.

i don’t actually have any pets other than my 2 birds who hate physical contact (crying), so expect me to reblog every animal i see as a coping mechanism. my name literally means story, but right now the plot is a mess and i’m just here for the escapism. if you like fandom brain rot, pretty cities, and being "too emotional," we’ll probably get along. please be nice, i’m fragile. 🐾✈️🩹

Didn’t take pictures with her cause i forgot but it was so special ❤️ Instead here’s a kitty and ducks from today ❤️

warning: gr*pe mention

Today was a marathon of hospital rooms and hard truths. Between the gynecologist, the dietician, and therapy, my body and mind finally starting to have a roadmap.

I was officially diagnosed with PCOS and a hormonal disorder. It turns out the PCOS was fueling PMDD, which was sabotaging my mental health and my progress in therapy. I am taking five pills a day now, including my antidepressants and new ones for my hormones, just to function 🤡 But there is a silver lining: I got an ultrasound and my cyst is officially gone.

From the hospital, I went to my therapist and finally opened up about something fragile. Last August, I was assaulted behind my apartment complex. It happened in a field of tall grass while a festival was going on nearby. I screamed, but the music drowned me out. It was over in five minutes. I remember the shock, walking home, showering, and taking a birth control pill I had left over from a previous fling because I just did not know what else to do.

I kept it a secret from almost everyone. Only my ex girlfriend and a close friend knew. I was going through a brutal breakup and I directed all that trauma toward the heartbreak instead, just so I would not have to face what actually happened. I did not want people to look at me and only see that.

My therapist helped me realize that the self disgust I have felt, which is the reason I did not recognize myself in the mirror, is why I have been so passive aggressive. I hated myself so much that I projected it onto the people I loved, convinced they could not possibly love someone as awful as me. Especially after how i was broken up with by my ex girlfriend which was the trigger starting the self destruction.

I have not been public about it, but I have been seeing someone else since December. After last summer, I am incredibly cautious, maybe even a little too avoidant, but he knows everything and he stays. He looks like Travis Kelce a lot too ahaha 🤣 And he acts like a real partner. He drove me and spent the entire day sitting with me in hospital waiting rooms and outside my therapist’s office.

Oh and by the way i have been watching quiz shows for years. And i always do so good but i have never applied to be on one until yesterday. Yesterday i sent an application to be on Turkish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire 🙃 One of my granny’s friends’ daughter was on it the other day and i said why am i not doing it too? 🤭

Anyways! I am grateful. My heart is broken, but I am still happy. I guess I can do it with a broken heart too 🥹❤️