About a year ago, I was in a play where I just didn’t jive with the director at all, and I ended up losing most of my confidence due to my inability to shut that person out and shut my brain off. I got stuck in a state of self-loathing and extreme self-deprecation, and my confidence was rock bottom. A lot of my relationships suffered because of this....family, my boyfriend, my best friends, my acquaintances. I just buried myself in work and accepting that I would never truly like myself again. I know this sounds super dramatic, but I truly could not pull myself out of the dark places in my head. My laugh changed, I was never really happy or satisfied with any of my accomplishments, and I just really didn’t care that much for life in general. I could manage it, of course, but I truly couldn’t give two shits about it.
Several months ago, I auditioned for my college’s production of Macbeth, and to my complete surprise, I got the part of Lady Macbeth. The play ended a couple of weeks ago, and that character still hasn’t left my side. Doing that play nine times in five days was incredibly draining, but man, oh man, did it save me. I have never felt so deeply connected to a character. Murder aside, when it comes down to it, she is merely an incredibly strong woman who loves her husband and wants to see him (and herself, as a byproduct) at his fullest potential (of course, she doesn’t go about it the right way....buuuut). And when she sees what that horribleness has done to her love, she slowly falls to pieces. Her mad scene was so incredibly painful for me at first because I understood it all too well. Of course, I wasn’t talking to mirages Blue Jasmine-style, but I was being constantly haunted by reels of footage from real life on a continuous loop in my head: awkward moments, moments of failure, moments of weakness, moments of darkness, moments of sadness, moments of embarrassment, moments that evoked guilt, etc. I always said that my parents never needed to punish me because conscience was so overbearing. That was punishment enough. I realized through her, though, that all of this suffering was 100% self-inflicted. And, of course, I can’t entirely eliminate my anxiety, but I can help reduce it. I can start to pull myself out of my own nightmares and wake up. WHAT’S DONE IS DONE! But instead of giving up, I can drum up that confidence, that twinkle, and a hint of that ambition, and move on. CONTINUE TO LIVE. When I feel myself falling into a slump, I feel her grab at my spine and yank me up. I feel a powerful surge of confidence radiate through my body where there once was none for so long. It has been a little over two weeks, and I am still immersed into her. Not all of the time, but I certainly feel her presence within me and around me multiple times throughout the day. They say Macbeth is the cursed play, but it has only made me stronger. I never thought I would say this (because I feel so lame), but Lady Macbeth saved my life, my friendships, and, most importantly, my relationship with one of the most amazing human beings on the face of this planet. Thank you, William. Thank you.
2087
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
gracieabrams
blakekathryn
