Molded by Destruction

My head has always been a complicated place. It’s never been safe but quite the opposite. Even in a new city with new people I make the same decisions that overall hurt me. I think sometimes I do that just so I can feel something. I don’t know why, I ask myself this all the time. As of now I have only been here for two weeks and I have built this thing up in my head because It wasn’t filling my needs in someway. My patience is limited due to the fact that I don’t want to miss out on something. I ultimitley ruin it for myself. I ruin that interaction with that person. Am I doing this to save myself from getting hurt later in the situation. I obsess and mope over something that was never there to begin with. It causes me to lose control of myself or the life that I made or whatever I have built for myself at the time. I have yet to have the relationship other than with jason and yet I let my downward spiral ruin that. Things would be completely different if I didn’t and I think that it would have ended worst. I’m trying to figure out how to cope and it has become harder as I’ve gotten older. This recent guy is again a painful mistake that could have gone somewhere. I will never know and that hurts me more than any other action that i’ve done in the past. It’s the what ifs and the regrets of my actions and lingering instead of moving forward that leaves the tears in my eyes. I know I am still suffering from some type of illness and faking it isnt working anymore. It only a bandaid for something that needs surgery and I cant stop the bleeding on my own. I think Sarah saw this from the start that night at the bar. Her words stung as drunk as I was because they were the truth. So my journey here is just beginning and I need to figure out how to help myself before I lose any more control. I need to take control of my insecurities and that is going to be the hardest part. For right now as I set the distance between this potential Brian situation I need to just keep focused.

When I'm wondering about life I come up here and look at the bigger pictures #questionswithnoanwsers

Hope is a strange thing it’s that gamble in like that keeps us peeping through our own hand so we have the glimpse of witnessing something amazing. The sad part is how ever-so rare those moments are. My generation thrives on every bit of thinking they are special. We aren’t not even me. Doesn’t mean that we can’t be. Yes we are all unique in someways, but we all have a very similar way of thinking. Hope is a dangerous thing to a person, It can cause them to make the worst or best choices on a whim of a moment. I dont know if I want to be part of that life because hope is that double edge sword that can be used against us even while in our possession. 

I feel unsure but not at the same time. It kills me how much I contradict myself. I only have myself to blame as a logical stand point. I feel my acceptance rate drop as fast as bushes did in 2003-2007. It scares me how I can be so messed up and this is my normal self. I feel so fucked it hurts to even be realistic about my situation and the hopelessness exists but I stay still, like a deer in headlights with no where to turn except to see my life flash before my eyes. It’s all a blurr and I cant even control myself from my basic urges to not self destruct as I stay standing. i wonder if I actually hate myself on the inside that much that I actually try and make my own life as miserble as I feel on the inside. I fear so much and so little at the same time. I want whats not mine or could never be mine I shoot for the stars and give the worst effort I don’t know why that is. Why am I like this? How do people even like people like myself. It hurts all over and I don’t know how to make it stop. For the love of anything not just god I wish it would stop, I’m not normal I don’t know what I am. No one could love me I can’t even love myself. I want to know why everythining the way it. I really want to not be like this and I don’t know how to be different I wish I could break that wall.

It’s that time of the year again also known as the holiday weekend. As I get older it becomes more and more difficult to not feel alone in the process. I should be used to this based on my own self imposed exhile. Non the less though it still burns to the core of my soul having no family. I have no past it feels and it starting to affect my future. I recently tried to hangout with a person that has done nothing but avoid me just so he can get laid. I have to say hanging out with him makes me feel like I live in a one big episode of being punk’d. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s not like it used to be at all. With all the negative feelings that encloud my judgement I still manage to keep my head up but not sure that it is doing me any good. I mean I am doing the right thing making the write choices and everything still manages to hurt more and more. I feel like an shell of who I used to be since we stopped hanging out and even though what I said in the text message to him last week about moving on is fucked because I can’t let go of being abandonded. Like I said before I’m not going to stop I need to  keep moving forward and stop dwelling on the past of my life because it is eating me alive and I  have no idea what to do at this point. This type of pain that I feel is harsh and cold, even unforgiving at times. It’s only a matter of time til I give in and give up. 

The thing is as I face this new complication even though it is temporary that it needs to be dealt with none the less. It has become more transparent and I know that it is my only fate if I want to make something of myself. It’s also giving me a better perspective of current issues with my friendship with others that have become strained to my actions. I’m working, pushing , fighting for myself this battle is something that I needed to do for so long that this fight has turned in to an epic battle that I have been winning so far. The thing is it has only just begun. As this journey takes shape, I am also shaping myself with more insight. I will keep moving forward no matter what fighing and clinging to the things that make me who I am. The thing is I know that if I never felt the pain and suffer that I went through for the last two years it wouldn’t have given me such a sense of clarity. To not know that pain the feeling of losing myself would not have given me the drive that I know I needed to experience. I know though at the same time that I cannot dwell on the past and the hurt and the pain for too long or I will be sucked back in to something that will only pull me back in to the person that I one didn’t recognize and I will not let that happen at all because I know that I have grwn and I will keep growing. I want to be even better than I l know I can be. With that said I’m going to live my life to the fullest and keep you filled in on the next step and story of my journey 

I feel it! I’m getting stronger moving forward in a way growing up. I’m trying at least , and although my methods are a little unorthodox it’s getting better. Also may just be on the up and up with the current mood swing. Either way I’m doing better. I don’t care as much I think I’m starting to slip away from the darkness I kinda see where I was going wrong. I’m avoiding the triggers for the most part. I still find myself looking in to the past, clining to what was never there. Flipping over my phone hoping to see that text alert calling me forth to spring in to action. I think what we experience is love, it’s just differnet forms and shades of it. I mean it changes just like anything in this life does just trying to fit perfectly to survive the moment. I still read in to things recklessly hoping that I might be the exception to the rule that has played for so many in the past. That thing that light were search for, I think it maybe Glory. Something that lets us and others deem us special above the cut something that makes us stand out. The way I see it, just as humans need attention I think we crave from ourselves the most. But who am I to say this we are the same just searching for meaning a pattern anything that will give us some guidance or a sense of clarity. I think I’ve discovered a little for of that self acceptance but, there is something that I want that like I said I can’t seem to let go of. It’s not just with mental stuff of getting use to that change a part of my feelings and my head are on the same page about this one. There are so many pieces missing to this puzzle that even with them being on the same page everything is still so uneasy and unclear.Even working together they seemed to be more apart when I am around the said event. Nothing comes out the way I want it to my emotion that comes in waves my words that spit more with intent. Internal error always occurs like I can’t handle the processing speeds. I mean as I look at the overall situation I’m in the odds aren’t really in my favor to begin with. I guess I’m glad I’m not really giving a shit anymore.I’m done spaying my bullshit allover this enterance in to my fucked way f thinking hope someone got some entertainment out of this 

,have a good night you guy I know I will 

That breaking point, the one you see where a protagonist changes in movies. I have met it. With all the bullshit that I have seen in the past. I know what I have to do. I have no fear of it. It has only taken me this long to see the error of my way. I am forever changed after this night. I am a man now with scars of his own mistakes. This world was not meant for that person. That person was weak and I now see that. THe mistakes are my own to bare and I will never forget that. I want to thank that person for teaching me this lesson. I have learned and again the hard way. I will never forgive myself for that and no one else. I will continue to write but without fear without love without hate without anything. I am alone and as I take this journey you will see. You will see what will happened with what comes next in this story that I conjur not with my words but action. Thank you to that perosn who taught me this valuable lesson that I will forever hold dear.

I’m writting again because I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m just sitting here figuring out the next move if there is one to begin with. I tried reaching out to make a new friend but I don’t think it worked. I’m over feeling bad I should look for way to make myself happy but that just seems like a foreign concept and looking at all the bridges I’ve burned kinda leaves me in a state. I wouldn’t wish the way I’ve been feeling on my worst enemies. I forgot what it’s like to be loved to be wanted. I showed someone these entries that I’ve been writing maybe letting someone in and it was nice for once but I doubt it’s something that I will ever do again. I’m learning and failing at not being such a vocal open book to the people I live with. I just need to shut it off all my emotions. I said this in class and I wish I could have explained it better. If you take emotion out of the way out of every issue all that is left is logic. There would be no hurt no pain no resentment. It would just be what the right choice and the most logical one at that. Maybe it has kept the human race from acheiving it’s full potential. We wouldn’t hate or be racist or anything like that. The thing is people who have found love and have been loved back say they wouldn’t trade all the pain in the world. With all of this anger and resentment that I have within me. I’ve decided I’m going to do what makes me happy. I won’t let myself be fucked over or let other people bring this wave of depression over me anymore. People should never have this affect on you and I am sick of feeling like the victim that I have made myself into. I will be that asshole if need be, there is no need for me to feel like this and at the mercy of anyone. I hope the people that have let me down read this one day. I hope they do realize what affect they did have on me.I don’t know where this overwhelming feeling has just come from but I’m going to welcome what feels like this not evil but not good either. I feel better for some reason. I will not do anything negative or positive I will just do what I need. I was selfish for what I feel was a needy reason but now I just don’t give a shit from this point on I’m going to do what I should have and not give a fuck because let’s be honest there is only a handful of people who really did and then there are the people who just walk all over me. Those people will regret it and I will make sure of it. 

It’s been a decent day I did everything that I needed to do went to class, went to work. I just still have this feeling of resentment that stirs within me. I shouldn’t care anymore but I do I just swallow it and let it sink to the bottom of my being and I think in someway it feeds off me like an emotional tape worm. I’m pissed because I’m never the first choice with anyone not the lovers, friends, or people that I think I’m close with. This is what tears me up inside and it’s one of the most selfish thoughts I’ve ever had. I just think it’s ironic in a way. I mean let’s think about it because I know I’m not the only one that feels like this. You want someone so bad that person that makes your heart jump when they call or get a text, that person that you stare at your phone for just to see if they’ve tried to contact you every fifteen minutes. When they’re around every bad thing dissolves away. Here’s the thing they either don’t feel the same way or you are the backup plan to them. Coming to that conclusion is nothing new for me or alot of people for that matter but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. There is someone that probably see you in the same manner. I’ve come to that conclusion recently and it hurt like hell, and when I get hurt I push everything and anyone away like an animal that is dying or sick and that stays in the corner of your closet. Right now I think I’ve gotten over the hurt and self destructive routine and now I’m just angry but I’m moving forward and using it as fuel to do what I need for myself. I’ll be honest for once in my life I don;’t love myself so why would anyone else? I’ve always known this and ask myself alot of the time. I don’t think I’ve ever had a healthy relationship with a girl or guy and I can’t say that I’m not shocked. I guess just typing it makes me realize it. I know I have to be on my own for a while in order to be okay with myself and I know how many times I have posted this repeating statement. It feels different this time or something is different I just don’t know what it is but I know this is where I actually take action. I sit hear at my desk in my empty house and I know this is how it will be for a while. I fear loneliness more than anything as I get older like an impending doom that I know is inevitable. All I can do is embrass what comes next. I will face that fear whether I like it or not or as much as it hurts to say, see or even hear for that matter it is coming all I can do is take hold.As dusk hits the surface of my window. I wonder to myself why I am the way I am?  what led me to this very moment this dark place of only what I can describe as pure humility. I don’t know what it’s like to be a good person and that only scares me more. All I can do is let the emotions take hold and let the tears of saddness take hold over my fragile body. I embrass the tears they’ve become almost like a companion something that I feel when I can’t take it anymore, such a sweet release.

Sometimes when you stare at something long enough you start to see what you want. or at least what you think you want. I’ve been starring at somethings for way too long and I now know something that I have been seeing are just that things that I wanted to see but it’s not my end game. Just like my relationship with some people. It’s not what I want anymore I just want to live my life and be happy and not follow anyone anywhere just go on my own terms. I’ve been looking out so much afraid that I will miss something. It’s been about 12 hours since I wrote that last sentence you read. I see that I’ve grown more resentful than anyone will ever know. I see that I open up for all the wrong reasons which tend to bite me in the ass when I am not paying attention closely. this thought keeps popping in to my head it’s like when you were born backwards emotionally when you love the people you should hate and hate the people that you actually love. I think it stemmed from show I used to watch. My body is rotting it feels from the inside out everything is going wrong from my mind to my toes. 

Keep moving, don’t look back, You have to keep going. These are the words that are going through my head. I don’t know if I’m wrong or right at this point but I know something feels off. I pulled the plug maybe this is what I need to finally break the chains to move forward from the back sliding that I have been doing the last few months. I feel paranoia, I feel resentment, I feel cowardly all at the same time. I wish I knew what to do besides writing in this too public of an area someone is going to read this and report me to a psychward of some kind. I have a mental illness and I am not treating it as well as I should I know this.I’m trying to keep my head held high. I know I can’t let anyone else in or more people will know how really messed up I am. I’m starting to see myself the way alot of other peope are and it isnlt looking to good. My heart is racing from facing the truths that have been shoved in my face by others and maybe she is right and I am feeding in to my own bullshit. I’m too dependent on the thoughts of others , I’m too much of a follower to go off on my own. It makes it too easy for the people that I depend on too easy of a target for me to leave because it’s such a hard task being friends with me. My social issues are again starting to take priority over my what needs to be done for me to move forward. My heat rate is increasing even more as my body temp increases as well the sweat starts to run down my forehead. I let him in again like nothing happened and I was still disappointed and I knew this would happen but I let it anyway when will I ever learn. My body language, my words , my tone , my intentions all being misconstruded to the point where I doubt even myself. It’s getting harder to deal with any of this I need help bad but I don’t even know what I am looking for. what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? I just keep repeating this in my head thinking it will come to me but no reply follows. Fuck. It reminds me when I was younger and frusterated beyond control not being able to figure whatever was in my way. I would cry til it hurt curl up in a ball and pray and I would never know to who. But then I would just fall asleep and I would awake feeling better with the same problem still in my face still not knowing what to do. It feels like that on repeat everyday for the last five years. I don’t think it will ever end