#bipolarmaddness

I’m writting again because I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m just sitting here figuring out the next move if there is one to begin with. I tried reaching out to make a new friend but I don’t think it worked. I’m over feeling bad I should look for way to make myself happy but that just seems like a foreign concept and looking at all the bridges I’ve burned kinda leaves me in a state. I wouldn’t wish the way I’ve been feeling on my worst enemies. I forgot what it’s like to be loved to be wanted. I showed someone these entries that I’ve been writing maybe letting someone in and it was nice for once but I doubt it’s something that I will ever do again. I’m learning and failing at not being such a vocal open book to the people I live with. I just need to shut it off all my emotions. I said this in class and I wish I could have explained it better. If you take emotion out of the way out of every issue all that is left is logic. There would be no hurt no pain no resentment. It would just be what the right choice and the most logical one at that. Maybe it has kept the human race from acheiving it’s full potential. We wouldn’t hate or be racist or anything like that. The thing is people who have found love and have been loved back say they wouldn’t trade all the pain in the world. With all of this anger and resentment that I have within me. I’ve decided I’m going to do what makes me happy. I won’t let myself be fucked over or let other people bring this wave of depression over me anymore. People should never have this affect on you and I am sick of feeling like the victim that I have made myself into. I will be that asshole if need be, there is no need for me to feel like this and at the mercy of anyone. I hope the people that have let me down read this one day. I hope they do realize what affect they did have on me.I don’t know where this overwhelming feeling has just come from but I’m going to welcome what feels like this not evil but not good either. I feel better for some reason. I will not do anything negative or positive I will just do what I need. I was selfish for what I feel was a needy reason but now I just don’t give a shit from this point on I’m going to do what I should have and not give a fuck because let’s be honest there is only a handful of people who really did and then there are the people who just walk all over me. Those people will regret it and I will make sure of it.