Whatever Life Gives

Little realization: I’m marring my FWB.

“No, we didn’t drift. You stopped talking to me and that was the end of it.”

“When your tears roll down your pillow like a river, I’ll be there for you”

“Pay attention to people that care. Who are always there. Who want better for you. They’re your people.”

The worst part about a relationship ending is slowly realizing all the things that don’t matter anymore. For example, all the dates- his birthday, the day you met, your anniversary- that are just ordinary days again. The comfort is gone, the routines and traditions are over, and it makes you sick, but to make it worse- he’s the person you’d normally go to when you feel this uneasy, and you don’t have anyone else that could make it better like he would. And weeks go by and you’re still thinking about the fact that you know all his favorite foods and you don’t know how to fill that space in your brain with something else. You keep mourning the end of you and him, but then you realize that’s not the only thing that died, because there’s also your five year plan and the inside jokes that don’t exist anymore and the kids with your eyes and his hair who won’t ever be born, and then it hurts all over again.

My friend told me that the boy she’s talking to has been ignoring her for 17 hours. It made me laugh because she was so precise about the timing but it also brought back flashbacks. The days I’d be anxious and desperate for him to reply. I’d sit and wait and check my phone hundreds of times, only to be met with silence. I’d check if his Snapchat score went higher, wondering who he’s talking to and why he hasn’t replied to me. Am I too boring? Is he with friends and too ashamed to text me in their presence? My mind would race with all these possibilities and I was so naive to the truth: he didn’t like me. It took me half a year to come to the realization. A boy who truly wants you will make it known, don’t settle for anything less.

the first thing i notice: you’re not mine anymore

“your voice still rings in my ears like an overplayed song and on some nights the phone still trembles in my hand but never again will i beg for you to love me.”

“The hardest part of letting go is understanding that the other person is okay without you.”

“I never liked my name, until I heard the way you say it.”