Kris Get The Banana

the unholy drink cloaca strikes again

[ID: a little dog eating raspberries from a bush. /End ID.]

Do you guys wanna see the version of bloodymary im somewhat invested in

are you his beautiful wife? you are not his beatiful wife? sad snooting

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

I spent the afternoon arranging our books by size and color (and it’s so satisfying and looks amazing) and my partner came home and stared in shock at the bookcase and then said “i’m a librarian, you can’t do this.”

You’re a monster

As a former bookstore employee, this hurts my soul. I mean, sure it looks nice, but how do you find anything?

OP your brain is neat and I love you for it you funky little color-coded cupcake. But you’re still a monster.

posts funnier with timestamps on

hey, tag this with a food people get really upset about you not liking

Normally I just ignore yaoi from fandoms I'm not in but when Spirk crosses my dash I always take a moment to appreciate it out of respect for our founding fujoshis

okay im gonna hypnotize you with my ruby amulet now DONT BE WEIRD ABOUT IT. im doing this to make you betray the king. IT IS NOT A SEX THING

I think the fact that you immediately thought about clarifying it’s not a sex thing kinda makes it sound like it is a sex thing.

FOOL. i would be using my sex amulet for that