I really haven’t been on the tumbles much lately. Outside of reblogging folks from Hang Gang, I’ve mostly kept to myself. I checked back in recently just to see how everyone was doing, and holy shit… it’s like walking back into the kitchen to find a big nasty pie of selfish fuckcunts plowing through the community like it’s their own private buffet table, grabbing whatever and whoever they want without giving a single thought to the mess they’re leaving behind.
I’m getting to the point where I honestly don’t care if this pisses people off anymore because this shit has gone on for way too long.
Our little corner of the feedism community has a reputation for being toxic, and every time someone asks why there are so few women compared to men, everyone starts looking for some complicated answer. It isn’t complicated. We built the answer ourselves.
We’ve got grown ass men who think it’s perfectly acceptable to string multiple women along at the same time, keep one waiting in the wings while they chase someone they think is “better,” disappear when it’s convenient, pop back up when they’re lonely, ask inflammatory or manipulative questions just to get a reaction, and generally treat people like they’re characters in some dating simulator instead of actual human beings. Then when they’re finally confronted about it, suddenly they’re the victim because someone had the audacity to call them out.
What really gets me isn’t even those guys anymore. Assholes have always existed and always will. It’s everyone else.
It’s the guys who know exactly who these people are but keep quiet because they don’t want drama.
It’s the people who privately admit, “Yeah… he’s done that before,” but the second it becomes public they’re nowhere to be found.
It’s the people who rush to comfort the woman, tell her how sorry they are she went through that, and before the conversation is even over they’re trying to slide into the opening they think another guy just created.
That’s not support. That’s opportunism wearing a sympathy mask. And then the community acts surprised when another woman quietly disappears. No announcement. No giant exit post. She just stops participating because she’s exhausted. Then three months later somebody asks, “Man, where are all the women?” Really?…
You mean the women who watched someone get manipulated, lied to, or harassed, only to see the community either protect the guy, minimize it, or tell everyone to “keep the peace?” Those women? Because that’s what keeps happening. The names change but the story doesn’t.
And before somebody inevitably says, “Well women do it too,” yes, they absolutely can. Toxic people exist everywhere. But let’s stop using that as a shield to avoid talking about the problem sitting right in front of us. If your first instinct when someone criticizes shitty behavior is to immediately change the subject to someone else, you’re not interested in fixing anything. You’re interested in protecting yourself from being uncomfortable.
The truth is, our community is already tiny. Every decent person who leaves hurts it. Every woman who decides this place isn’t worth the emotional energy makes the ratio even worse, and then the same guys who helped create that environment are somehow the loudest ones complaining that they can’t find a partner.
Here’s a thought. Maybe the problem isn’t that there aren’t enough women. Maybe the problem is that too many decent women show up, take one look around, realize this community protects bad behavior better than it protects good people, and decide they’re better off somewhere else.
If you’re one of the guys constantly complaining that nobody gives you a chance, I have a question. When was the last time you publicly told another man his behavior was unacceptable? Not in DMs. Not over drinks. Not with a “bro, that’s kinda messed up.” I mean actually putting your name behind it.
Because silence isn’t neutrality. It never has been.Every time you look the other way because he’s your friend, because he’s been around forever, because you don’t want to get involved, because maybe someday he’ll introduce you to someone, you’re making a choice. You are deciding that your own comfort matters more than someone else’s safety or trust in this community. That makes you part of the problem.
And to the fuck bois who think they’re smarter than everyone else, who think nobody notices the copy and paste flirting, the rotating roster of backup plans, the emotional manipulation, the gaslighting, or the trolling disguised as “just asking questions,” you’re not nearly as slick as you think you are. People notice. They compare notes. The only reason you’ve gotten away with it is because too many people have been willing to protect you, excuse you, or pretend it isn’t happening.
Personally, I hope that era is coming to an end. I hope people start naming behavior for what it is instead of calling it drama. I hope accountability becomes more important than protecting someone’s reputation. I hope people stop worrying about hurting the feelings of manipulative men and start worrying about why decent people keep leaving.
Because if we actually gave a shit about growing this community, we’d spend a lot less time asking where all the women went and a lot more time making sure they have a reason to stay.
Until then, every guy complaining about how impossible dating is in feedism should ask himself one question.
What have I actually done to make this community safer, healthier, and more welcoming for anyone besides myself?
