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and by macgyvered i mean he took it apart, removed the spring mechanism, and bought a whole set of new glasses that are the perfect size so that they wedge in the dispenser.

that’s what i’m dealing with. my dad surgically altered the fridge and bought an entire glass tableware set so that he wouldn’t have to hold a glass in the dispenser for 8 seconds.

he’s done this with almost everything in the house. he was tired of having to latch and unlatch gates so he cut off the latches and taped industrial strength magnets in their place. he hooked up the chicken coop door to a circuit board and a solar array so it opens and closes automatically. years after he divorced my mom, one of her toilets broke and when the plumber opened it up it was full of corks that my dad had somehow tied into a functioning flush mechanism, presumably so he wouldn’t have to go buy real parts at the hardware store we lived next door to. we’re talking a walk of thirty feet from toilet to hardware store counter, max. it was literally just operating on cork power. for all those years. we never knew.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

A gorgeous blonde walks into a bank in New York. She asks to speak to a loan officer, and explains she’s going out of town for business for an extended duration and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says that he’ll be happy to set it up for her, but that he’ll need some form of collateral. Without skipping a beat, the blonde reaches into her purse and hands over the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

Once the transaction is completed, the blonde leaves and the bank staff have a laugh at her expense— after all, what sort of idiot uses a $250,000 car as collateral for a $5,000 loan? Nevertheless, they drive the car down into the Bank’s vaults. “Well”, they say, “it’s a good thing she’s pretty.”

A month later, the blonde returns, pays down the $5,000 loan and the interest, which abouts to $15.00.

As they wait for her car to be returned, the loan officer works up the courage to ask. “Miss, we did the research and it turns out you’re a millionaire. Why on earth would you need a loan?”

>2018 is year of the dog

Will do anything to hide it and make it heal quickly: Cancer, Virgo, Libra, Capricorn, Pisces

Will cover it up, but is secretly (or not so secretly) proud of it: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Aquarius