The invisible systems that run our lives; creating structure in chaos
We all have times in life when things just feel... chaotic.
Maybe you're dealing with a seemingly impossible to-do list.
A difficult relationship.
Limited time and energy to do the basic things your body is begging you to do—like sleep, eat, or even drink water like a normal person.
When life feels like too much, our instinct is often to look for the thing that is wrong.
Why can't I get it together?
Why does this person keep doing this?
Why can't I just be more disciplined?
But systems thinking invites us to ask a different question:
What are my systems producing?
Have you ever heard the quote, “For every action, there’s a reaction?”
As a systems therapist, my mind goes somewhere else:
Circular causality says it’s rarely that simple.
We're often trained to look for a cause.
I'm going to help you look at things from a new lens.
Systems thinking encourages us to zoom out and ask:
What is happening between the parts?
Because in relationships, families, organizations, and even within ourselves, A doesn't simply cause B.
A affects B.
B affects A.
And the interaction between them creates a pattern that influences what happens next.
That's circular causality.
Consider a couple where one partner feels disconnected and begins asking for reassurance.
The other partner feels pressured and pulls away.
The first partner experiences that distance as rejection and asks for even more reassurance.
The second partner feels even more overwhelmed and withdraws further.
We could spend hours arguing about who started it.
Or we could recognize the larger pattern:
Pursuit → withdrawal → more pursuit → more withdrawal.
The pattern has become self-reinforcing.
And this is where pattern recognition becomes powerful.
“Who is the problem?”
“What keeps happening?”
“Why does this person keep doing this?”
“What happens immediately before and after this behavior?”
“How do I get them to change?”
“What can I change about my participation in the pattern?”
Because you cannot control another person’s behavior.
But you can change your position within a pattern.
If you always pursue, pause.
If you always avoid, stay present.
If you always over-explain, say less.
If you always react immediately, create space.
If you always accommodate, consider setting a boundary.
Not because changing your response guarantees that the other person will change.
But because when one part of a system responds differently, the pattern has an opportunity to change.
That is one of the things I find most fascinating about systems thinking:
You don't have to change other people to change your participation in the system.
In fact, this is part of what I mean when I talk about connection rather than control.
Sometimes the most powerful intervention isn't a dramatic confrontation.
Sometimes it's doing something different at the exact point where you usually do the predictable thing.
And this same principle applies far beyond relationships.
Your life is a system, too.
Your environment, routines, time, money, energy, commitments, habits, relationships, and emotional responses are constantly interacting with one another.
“Why am I so disorganized?”
“What system is producing this level of disorder?”
Consider procrastination.
You procrastinate → tasks pile up → you feel overwhelmed → you avoid the tasks even more → the pile gets bigger → you feel ashamed → your energy drops → you procrastinate again.
It can look like a motivation problem.
But from a systems perspective, it may be a feedback loop.
And that means you don't necessarily solve it by simply trying harder.
You look for the point where the loop can be interrupted.
Maybe the problem isn't that you need more discipline.
Your calendar contains more commitments than your available time.
Your environment makes the desired behavior difficult.
Your tasks aren't broken down enough to create an obvious starting point.
You're relying on memory instead of an external system.
You're repeatedly making decisions that could be automated.
You're using your highest-energy hours for low-value tasks.
Unfinished tasks are constantly competing for your attention.
One chaotic area of your life is destabilizing another.
That's systems-level thinking.
Think in loops, not isolated behaviors.
Input → behavior → consequence → feedback → next behavior
Poor sleep → low energy → less exercise → worse mood → less motivation to prepare for bed → poor sleep.
No meal planning → random eating → low energy → less capacity to plan → more random eating.
No financial system → uncertainty about money → avoidance → bills accumulate → increased anxiety → more avoidance.
Notice what is happening.
The outcome isn't necessarily being produced by one bad decision.
It's being produced by a sequence of interactions.
That's why telling yourself:
“I just need to be more disciplined.”
often doesn't solve the problem.
You're trying to change an individual behavior while leaving the system that repeatedly produces that behavior intact.
Where is the leverage point?
You don't have to fix everything.
You need to find the smallest change that can alter the feedback loop.
“I need to exercise more.”
“What happens between deciding I should exercise and actually exercising?”
Maybe the sequence looks like this:
Work ends → you're exhausted → you go home → you sit down → you lose momentum → you don't exercise.
The leverage point might be:
Work ends → gym clothes are already packed → you go directly to the gym → you exercise.
You didn't magically become more disciplined.
You redesigned the sequence.
And that is one of the most practical ideas in systems thinking:
Sometimes the solution isn't changing the person. It's changing the conditions surrounding the behavior.
This is also how we begin creating order out of chaos.
When life feels chaotic, people often respond by trying to control everything at once.
Ironically, that can create even more chaos.
“What are the few structures that would make the rest of my life easier?”
A weekly planning system can reduce daily decision-making.
A consistent grocery system can reduce last-minute food decisions.
A designated place for important items can reduce searching.
Automatic bill payments can reduce mental load.
A realistic calendar can prevent overcommitment.
A nightly reset can prevent small messes from becoming overwhelming ones.
A morning routine can reduce the number of decisions required to start the day.
These aren't just “good habits.”
And infrastructure matters because healthy outcomes become easier when the system is designed to support them.
Think about that for a moment.
We often judge ourselves by the outcomes our lives are producing without examining the structures producing those outcomes.
But if your system consistently produces the same result, perhaps the question isn't:
“What's wrong with me?”
“What is my current system designed to produce?”
Your calendar is a system.
Your finances are a system.
Your relationships are systems.
Your routines are systems.
And systems tend to produce what they are structured to produce.
So the ultimate systems-thinking question becomes:
“What would have to be true about my environment, routines, relationships, and structures for the outcome I want to become the predictable outcome?”
That's a much more powerful question than:
“How do I force myself to be better?”
Because you're no longer treating yourself as the problem.
You're studying the system you're operating inside.
You're looking for the feedback loops.
You're identifying the leverage points.
You're changing the conditions.
And you're recognizing that sustainable change often doesn't come from exerting more force.
Sometimes, it comes from designing a system in which the healthier outcome becomes easier, more natural, and more predictable.
That's how we move from managing chaos to building a life that generates order.
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