Bastard Brave

robb saw his mother at her lowest. husband dead, father dead, children dead, brienne gone, son had just ruined his best alliance, edmure, she had to see rickard karstark on a daily basis. so he walked up to her and said “one more thing, i’m legitimizing jon snow”

The concept of modern AU Jaime Lannister is too absurd to exist with any fidelity. What if LeBron James killed the president and then kept on hooping for fifteen years?

Iron Islander voice: Theon you [19 syllable dolphin noise slur] I see you came back WOKE and GAY and a WOMAN from us leaving you as a child prisoner to the guy with an 8 foot sword that makes you drag it around to executions in front of his screaming faced tree gods as a daily reminder that he can and will kill you (a child) just like he killed the rest of your family (some of which were also children). Did you have fun polishing his sword? I’ll bet. Did you write this letter yourself? Knowing there’s a one person literacy limit? Should we call you Theon the Reader, you reading fuck? And standing here in a jean jacket you bought yourself, may as well be sucking dick at old navy. You know who’s NOT woke or gay or a woman? Your sister Asha. Why can’t you be less gay and woke and a woman, like Asha? I bet she could run a democratic election because you know what isn’t gay Theon? Democracy

GRRM is in fact really good at making up top tier characters i will use the starklings to illustrate the point okay you got: 1) high school freshman King Arthur stars in a shakespearean tragedy, as told by his mom; 2) local moody teenaged Starbucks night shift manager must do his very best to stop the zombie apocalypse through the power of friendship; 3) a middle schooler who keeps her sparkly butterfly gel pens in perfect rainbow order at all times is being held hostage by her evil middle school boyfriend and his evil blonde mafia family; 4) a scrappy but poorly-supervised middle-grade book protagonist bops about a war-zone looking for her family but instead! learns about Death; 5) paraplegic fourth grader Frodo Baggins receives mystical visions and must go on a quest to see a hundred-year-old tree guy; and 6) kindergartener that Bites

grrm has a real knack for writing men who cower in the corner due to the overwhelming shame of their mere existence while simultaneously saying to themselves “i am the hottest girl in this grocery store” twice per page. jaime, theon, jon etc etc

tbf when it comes to jaime’s track record with successful child murder id bet u that infant would survive the trebuchet

he is like 1:10 rn and the 1 is when he helped cersei get that abortion

the reason the suvudu experts were right and gurm was wrong about that matchup is bc hermione is a child which is an automatic guarantee of her survival against that man

In a scale from "Jaime Lannister" to "Anakin Skywalker," how good are you at child murder?

LISTEN, he's the kingslayer and not the kidslayer. lannisters are not multitaskers

i say there are 2 reasons the abortion worked as pre-child killing: 1. the power of women bc this was in no way a jaime solo job like the others 2. if cersei had robert's baby the kid would be royal from birth so kingslaying powers outweigh weakness against children (robb and bran did not have royal titles yet when jaime tried to kill them so the kingslaying powers were not charged up enough to overcome the child weakness. he just tried to kill them too soon both wrt their youth and crownlessness.)

*wakes up from dream where I mind melded with my wolf and felt the hot sweet blood of my kill run down my throat* that could mean anything *punches pillow so hard it actually explodes* *skips breakfast* would my dad be proud of me. *punches guy into unconsciousness without really thinking about it* *juices a whole frozen lemon in one fist* *pushes 700 pound wolf aside with only mild struggle* *yanks anchor that takes teams of 4 to pull out of frozen ground with one hand* no no I’m not a warg I’m normal. This is normal strong. *makes sweeping political status quo changes unilaterally* the nights watch takes no part *organizes marriage alliance and plans lovely reception* *never explains anything* whatever *shakes head at magical bird loudly declaring that I am the king* *walks by red witch portending my immediate murder* you’re weird *shrugs at inspiring mass religious conversion* *represses gay thought* time for my evening spreadsheet. how many vegetables are in the kitchen. I need to count them.

i know in my heart that modern au sansa has an instagram entirely devoted to lady and posts videos captioned "bath routine of my direwolf 🥰 #dogbath #doggrooming #direwolf" where she's filing lady's nails and applying lotion to her paw pads while lady sits there with big loving eyes and all the comments are like "GIRL THIS IS AN APEX PREDATOR WHY IS IT IN YOUR HOUSE"